Damming the River of Love

          Depending on the situation I'm not a very open person. I bottle everything up and try to deal on my own without letting God do His thing to help me with my burdens. I've had Coldplay's "Square One" stuck in my head so far this week. It's a rather melancholy song. When I'm in those moods, that's what I listen to, especially when the lyrics resonate so much with me.

...You just want somebody listening to what you say...
Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too?
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And then you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult had fired you
You wonder if your chance'll ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

          When I was younger, I used to fight showers. I'd avoid them because, for whatever reason, I just didn't want to take one. But when I got in under that hot water and got all cleaned up, you couldn't get me out! It's the same way with opening up to people and letting them know I have a need, even if it's just someone who will listen.
          Last night was Grace's surprise birthday party (right before Christ Church meeting). Hearing everyone say what they did about her, while I agreed it was true I felt that's how I want to be known. Someone with wisdom and compassion and so much love. I can't be that person though, not if I trust in my own reason and not seek God's wisdom.
          I'm an introvert, it takes a lot for me to open up. After church we broke into our small groups for discussion and prayer as needed. I sat there for a while and realized I couldn't really talk to anyone in there. I went outside and stared at the moon and the stars, trying not cry. I thought of Coldplay's "Yellow" and how after reading 1 John, it takes on a whole new meaning. I sat down at the curb of the front walkway and sang to myself FFH's "Power in His Blood" in an attempt to comfort myself.

There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
Sufficient and full there's power in His blood
His love is all we need
There's joy in the spirit of the Lord

          It wasn't really helping. Ian was outside and he must have finished his phone conversation because he sat down next to me. Part of the reason I hate opening up is the crying part. After holding it in for so long, I start to cry. It all comes out. How I feel such a disconnect, my difficulty in expressing my needs; how seeing Alex this week reminded me of everything wrong in my life at the time, my depression and obsession and wanting to be free of it; my struggle with dealing with Max's decision not to be more than friends (disappointment, wondering his reasons why, rationalizing that it doesn't matter, he had his reasons and accepting that). Ian told me what I needed to hear; that how no matter what was going on in my life, no matter who I wanted, to depend on Jesus as the only one who could fulfill my needs. I wasn't really surprised to learn he had dealt with similar struggles and was rather introverted as well. I'm not really sure what I expected of him, but it makes sense.
          During my talk with Ian, I mentioned Ka'ne (haha) and how she was my strength, my inspiration. Before she was my strength and my comfort but now I see her as....this illustration is best: Where and when Christ leads, she urges me to follow. As any well-made character, she is not perfect. Far from it. She has her good qualities to be sure but she wouldn't want to be role model. She's made mistakes in her life and had to live with them. Imperfect as she is, she urges me to follow His perfection and wisdom.
          On the way back to school, I continued to ruminate over what had been said. All my holding in was like dam in my river of love. It would never run dry but this dam had slowed its flow to a trickle. I realized that I regularly needed face-to-face and heart-to-heart talks about what was going on in my life to keep that river clear and flowing full force. It hurts at first. It's hard to get started, just like getting in that shower and allowing yourself to be washed by the water. But when it's over, I feel so clean and light. I must remind myself of it so that I may gladly do it again.

When you work it out

          I've had God Put a Smile Upon Your Face by Coldplay stuck in my head for the past week. I'm not really bothered by that anymore. I let it play over and over in my head until it runs its course. It hasn't yet, though. I should mention that when I hear it I think of the Prelude prequel to the main Ka'ne-Yuri story I've been working on for quite a while. I can picture it all, like a montage from start to finish. Condensed properly it'd be an awesome trailer for the movie or nice to way to cover those events at the beginning of the main Ka'ne-Yuri.
          The story has so many twists and turns and back-story (not to mention setup) you'd think this was some kind of sci-fi/fantasy soap opera but I assure you it's not so melodramatic. I sometimes wonder that if I ever truly finish this (to my satisfaction) and publish it, would people try to say I was hoping to make the next Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or something? I almost would be insulted at the suggestion. They're great works in their own right but my story is so different from both. I feel my writing has not matured and improved quite well enough to do the story justice. I try my best when I do rewrites but I always fall short, in my opinion. It's grown with me for nine years now and I understand the world and characters so much better then I did when I first created it all. I look back at the plot and the major points of it that I created, underlying themes that emerged and how the characters and world developed in my mind.
          At fourteen (with a normal suburban life), I couldn't understand or explain to others why characters acted the way they did. At fourteen I didn't really know despair, the strength of the bond between a Guardian and their charge, the weight of responsibility, what it can drive a person to or allow themselves to do, feeling so trapped and wanting to get away but afraid and unsure how because as terrible as life was for her not knowing anything else (almost). Then we moved. I had the predisposition for it before, I'm sure, but being taken away from everything I loved and knew at sixteen threw me over the edge and into a terrible depression. It's only in the past few months (maybe year or two) I feel I've finally recovered. In the depths of such sorrow and pain I found solace in Ka'ne. I slipped into her world often to hide away from mine. I could transfer my burden to her; see through her eyes, feel what she felt.
          You wouldn't think depression is a state that promotes creativity (the evidence seems inconclusive either way) but for me it was a powerful catalyst. In the first semester at the new school I had filled twenty-five pages of scribbles of Kane's story during and between classes and at lunch. I was diagnosed and treated but the treatment left me numb and rather dull. It's strange, getting used to being twenty-three. I see Ka'ne-Yuri with fresh eyes and ever plumb deeper into my characters and their world. Now it is a pleasant escape, a haven away from the hectic and sometimes isolating college life. I think about her on the way to and from classes, when other songs trigger thoughts of situations and characters, when I'm scared or lonely.
          Ka'ne is not just some fictional character, she is part of me more intimate than any external relationship can be (or internal with myself for that matter). She is my mother, my daughter, my sister, my head, my heart, my soul, my joy, my heartbreak, my comfort, my strength. She is that great and powerful part of me that I draw from, a slightly dissociated version of myself but yet so different from me you wouldn't recognize at times.
          and maybe that's why i'm not really sure i could ever finish the story...because giving her up to the world would be baring the deepest parts of me.