Think and Remember

          So much has happened since my last post. I've started several posts but not posted any of them. I'll recount the events of the past month or so as briefly as possible but I doubt this will be a short post.
          First, there was the Halloween party at Drew's place. It was a blast. We all headed down to this hometown. Upon arrival we were once again whisked away to tree-shaded roads and open fields in the darkness. There was a hay ride and we were to scare the children and their parents as best we could. I spent two hours in a deep stand with Caitlin, talking about stuff and trying to find a scary ring-tone to use when the hay ride came by. I stayed the night and in the morning we went to church there in town.
          On the ride back, I decided to take part in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). It's a challenge where one must write 50,000 words in 30 days (in this case, November). I chose to work on the prequel in my Ka'ne-Yuri series, Prelude, for NaNoWriMo. I've been wanting to lay down the background for quite a while now (and not just saying, "This happened"), so that's what I did. You can check out the postings I have so far in the NaNoWriMo 2009 folder of my deviantART gallery.
          I was okay for the first week but the third week really threw me. I was swamped with school. In the final days I boosted the word count from 25,806 to 46,134. I didn't quite make it to 50k to win but I wrote about 10,400 words in a single day. I came back after my 1pm class and sat from 2pm to nearly 1am writing. I got up maybe twice, once to eat and another for the restroom. It came out to about 1,000 words an hour. I normally write 1-2k in 3-4 hours, so this was huge. It was emotional for me write so much in a single go. I tend to feel characters' emotions when writing or even reading and there was a lot of bad stuff going on in the part I wrote. Check out my NaNoWriMo profile.
          I taught my first actual lesson before a real 9th grade physical science class. I did better than I thought but I need to slow down and work on my classroom management skills. That's okay because I'm taking it in the spring (WIN!).
          There was a Pre-Thanksgiving dinner the Sunday before Thanksgiving. It was a rather stressful evening but the food was amazing. I decided it was a good taste of what actual Thanksgivings are like for people.
          Tuesday our parents came up and visited us. They made it early enough to visit Christ Church's Tuesday night meetings. They understand now why I am willing to drive 20 minutes out of town to church. It's that good of a family.
          Wednesday my brother, our parents and I saw Blind Side, a movie about an African-American young man who gets taken in by an affluent white family and becomes a good football player. After the movie, we went to our usual Japanese Hibachi grill and sushi bar. It was nice to be with the family again. I had another dinner with Katie's family (her mom, her aunt and long time boyfriend) my brother and our parents were there, too. It was a nice afternoon, eating and watching TV, relaxing. My parents went back home Friday and I was alone for a few days. It was then I started again on the writing for NaNoWriMo.
          Did I mention I dropped University Physics I? Yeah, I'm retaking it in the spring. I'm also failing organic chemistry II but it doesn't bother me for some reason. Being a senior has its perks when it comes to signing up for classes. We get to sign up first. After talking with my adviser I signed up for: University Physics I, Organic Chemistry II (with Tarkka, I loved his class the first time I took organic I, he's entertaining but also a good teacher :P), Organic Spectroscopy, and Classroom Management with Mr. Ward (I loved his Learning and Development class in the spring).
          You'd think that I should be bothered by repeating two classes from this semester in the spring but I'm fine. I've noticed that I was not motivated to study at all for organic; strange, right? I came to the realization that it's okay because I'll be exactly where I need to be. God has really been working in my life these past several months and I came to realization only in the past couple of days.
          I am so glad Caitlin has started coming to Christ Church with us, her change and growth over the past couple of weeks is amazing and I thank God for that. I've seen God at work all semester and it just blows me away to think of what happened. I've learned to trust in Him so much more now. I'm also talking with him very regularly. I pray and talk to Him throughout the day and it has been a blessing. Christ Church has been a huge part of my life and I love my brothers and sisters so much, it's impossible to contain.
          Thursday we had our last Christ Church Conway of the semester. We read through Ephesians in one go and talked about the letter. It was very encouraging. A few of us hung out for a few hours and then we all went to IHOP at midnight to celebrate the end of the semester with an extended group of friends. It was a blast. Except for the terrifying feeling that I later determined was caused by food. Neurological reactions to food are bad. I was freaking out and feeling really uncomfortable. It happened again last night. The irrational fear could not be rationalized away and clearly the food was causing extreme anxiety. If it happens again tonight, I'll know what it is and deal accordingly.
          My dear friends; brothers and sisters, I love you and wish all the best for you. Oh wait, our dearest Grace will be leaving for a semester abroad in France. We love you and will miss you sorely. Go forth and be awesome in France. We'll hold together just fine, sister. Remember, God's got your back (and mine and ours :D) and if you just talk to Him, you'll know. Love, hope, grace, and peace to you until we meet again.

-M.B.

Happiness

          Last night Grace had a spa party. A Mrs. Sebrena Coleman and walked us through some lovely treatments. It was wonderful to spend a night with friends, having some girl time together. It really was a relaxing experience. This morning I woke up to sunshine and I just thanked God for it. I feel so relaxed and at peace with a calm energy. I can't remember the last time I felt like this.
          What is interesting, though, is what woke me up. I was must have been dreaming but as soon as I was conscious there was this melody in my head. It was melancholy but promised to be brighter. I instantly knew it was Ka'ne's theme from Ka'ne-Yuri. After nine years of learning about her life and her world, this song revealed itself to me. It's lovely. It would break your heart. Right now, an orchestra is playing. The strings are on the main melody. Low brass gives depth. Woodwinds vary the color. There's more going on, I'll have to listen to it more to find it all. The virtual piano software I have is helping to compose but I need a real piano so I can play more than one note at a time and explore this song more fully.
          Anyway, I'm looking forward to the Halloween festivities with my dear friends tonight. I may post something about it next week.

Academics

          I had signed up to be a TA (i.e. teaching assistant) for one lab a week (specifically an 8 am Organic I lab on Thursdays). I'll get paid minimum wage ($7.25/hr) for almost three hours a week. It's not much but it'll pay for gas and maybe even some groceries; a start at some independence from my parents. The paperwork all went through and the professor has agreed to the hire. My Internship I placement is all settled. I'll be going to a high school within five minutes of campus, visiting Tuesday mornings for a couple hours and Wednesday afternoons for one fifty-minute period. I'll be observing and eventually teach a single lesson before the class. At least it's a ninth-grace physical science class. I also have my field experience for the Cultural Perspectives class in order. I'll be volunteering at a local Boys and Girls Club for an or two each week.
          Haha! So I have even less time now for myself but it's all right. I go to school, study, get educational experience, engage in Bible study and occasionally indulge in my hobbies. Since I had a test in University Physics 1 and Organic 2 I have no immediate homework to do. I know tomorrow will have work a-plenty. Until then, I shall enjoy the small respite.

When you work it out

          I've had God Put a Smile Upon Your Face by Coldplay stuck in my head for the past week. I'm not really bothered by that anymore. I let it play over and over in my head until it runs its course. It hasn't yet, though. I should mention that when I hear it I think of the Prelude prequel to the main Ka'ne-Yuri story I've been working on for quite a while. I can picture it all, like a montage from start to finish. Condensed properly it'd be an awesome trailer for the movie or nice to way to cover those events at the beginning of the main Ka'ne-Yuri.
          The story has so many twists and turns and back-story (not to mention setup) you'd think this was some kind of sci-fi/fantasy soap opera but I assure you it's not so melodramatic. I sometimes wonder that if I ever truly finish this (to my satisfaction) and publish it, would people try to say I was hoping to make the next Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or something? I almost would be insulted at the suggestion. They're great works in their own right but my story is so different from both. I feel my writing has not matured and improved quite well enough to do the story justice. I try my best when I do rewrites but I always fall short, in my opinion. It's grown with me for nine years now and I understand the world and characters so much better then I did when I first created it all. I look back at the plot and the major points of it that I created, underlying themes that emerged and how the characters and world developed in my mind.
          At fourteen (with a normal suburban life), I couldn't understand or explain to others why characters acted the way they did. At fourteen I didn't really know despair, the strength of the bond between a Guardian and their charge, the weight of responsibility, what it can drive a person to or allow themselves to do, feeling so trapped and wanting to get away but afraid and unsure how because as terrible as life was for her not knowing anything else (almost). Then we moved. I had the predisposition for it before, I'm sure, but being taken away from everything I loved and knew at sixteen threw me over the edge and into a terrible depression. It's only in the past few months (maybe year or two) I feel I've finally recovered. In the depths of such sorrow and pain I found solace in Ka'ne. I slipped into her world often to hide away from mine. I could transfer my burden to her; see through her eyes, feel what she felt.
          You wouldn't think depression is a state that promotes creativity (the evidence seems inconclusive either way) but for me it was a powerful catalyst. In the first semester at the new school I had filled twenty-five pages of scribbles of Kane's story during and between classes and at lunch. I was diagnosed and treated but the treatment left me numb and rather dull. It's strange, getting used to being twenty-three. I see Ka'ne-Yuri with fresh eyes and ever plumb deeper into my characters and their world. Now it is a pleasant escape, a haven away from the hectic and sometimes isolating college life. I think about her on the way to and from classes, when other songs trigger thoughts of situations and characters, when I'm scared or lonely.
          Ka'ne is not just some fictional character, she is part of me more intimate than any external relationship can be (or internal with myself for that matter). She is my mother, my daughter, my sister, my head, my heart, my soul, my joy, my heartbreak, my comfort, my strength. She is that great and powerful part of me that I draw from, a slightly dissociated version of myself but yet so different from me you wouldn't recognize at times.
          and maybe that's why i'm not really sure i could ever finish the story...because giving her up to the world would be baring the deepest parts of me.