May's intercession from life

Lots of links in this one! Some are from dailybooth, a photo site. Others are links to places and a few wiki articles for those that may want to learn more about stuff. :D          I seem to update about once a month, don't I? I prefer to update once a week but that doesn't seem to happen. :P Anyway, finals were two two weeks ago. They were there, the punishment for not doing what I needed to do throughout the semester...and then they were over. Time seemed a narrow, steep ravine and suddenly you stumble into an open plain. I wasn't entirely sure what to do with myself.
          I've had very few plans. They're not the ones I had during school: 12pm Physics, 1pm Organic Spectroscopy, 2pm Monday and Wednesdays were lab, etc. Now they're more like: Tuesday go to Fayetteville for a few days. Next Tuesday look at furniture. Thursday, go to kickboxing. Monday have lunch with Caleb. Haha! I kind of like it, but not? It's nice to have a really open schedule but I guess I need more structure throughout the day to feel productive. A daily plan like: go for walk, read my Bible/pray, write 1,500 words and/or do a deviantART journal skin design&code all for the morning. Midday-afternoon would be internet time (facebook, twitter, deviantART, etc.) and late afternoon-evening would be WoW. I could work with that. Getting into a routine is good for creativity. Ask any writer and they'll tell you.
          So what's happened in the past month? End of classes, finals and two weeks of open time. It would take a while to cover everything in detail. I loved the end of classes. Thursday night we have a movie night (Kingdom of Heaven and Dark Knight, I think) before we all go to IHOP at midnight and feast on pancakes, omelets, and chicken strips. There were about 18 people that made it. Friday night we get together again to watch Startgate Universe and dance in the rain. Two amazing nights.
          All weekend I work on my last Organic Spectroscopy assignment. I sat under my lofted bed with the blinds open. My roommates must have thought I was crazy sitting under there, singing to the music on my mp3 player and interpreting spectra. Monday was Organic Spectroscopy; I felt pretty good about that test. I filled the afternoon and evening working on my study guides for Tuesday's Organic Chemistry test. Looking back, I should have made one for the first test. It would have cut down the time I'd spent making those study guides. I did okay on that final. It was enough to get out with a B (okay a B is pretty awesome considering the past few semesters). It's clear I missed some of the details but I really feel I walked away from that course with a good grasp of the fundamental concepts. Tuesday afternoon Desireé stuck with me, trying to help me study and work on lab reports for physics. She saw me run the gamut of emotions in a very compact space of time. I refuse to complain about it all, though. I put myself in that position.
          Wednesday was physics. It was a truly humbling experience to put it mildly. I'll leave it at that. I spent that afternoon and evening working on my field experience reflection and going over the material for Classroom Management (not comprehensive). The CM test was the best I think. I tore through that test in two hours. Oh wait. lol. It was nice though, everyone was calm and/or cheerful at the test; total contrast to the stress and gloom of the others. I even gave out my gum to nearly everyone in the room (new pack). I answered all the questions well, and even used my cowboy friend as inspiration for an unmotivated student (and what I would do to motivate him).
          Friday I helped a few friends move out, spent some time "being nomads and having a jam session" in Dustin's car with Haley (S, that is), had dinner at Old Chicago and a movie night. Or maybe we just watched Stargate and played that Smash Bros.? I don't remember, it was all good though. :D Ever since I've been taking it easy, not really doing much but trying to get out of the apartment and into fresh air at least once a day.
          I spent a few days in Fayetteville with David and Katie. I arrived in high spirits and finally found a way to have ethanol without suffering: get a very low proof mixed drink of a restaurant chain and drink very slowly (I won't get buzzed but that's never my goal). I think it was a kind of lemonade. Though...I still prefer water, Sierra Mist/Sprite or better yet, root beer. Anyway, at some point we get a hair dye kit and dye my hair a richer, warmer color but it wasn't lighter. I eventually bought another dye kit with a much lighter shade but I don't know anything about dying hair. I play WoW and get excited over carboxylic acid derivatives. I'm rather ambiguous when it comes to being a girly girl, a borderline tomboy, and a softcore nerd/geek; I'm a bit of everything but don't fall into neat categories.
          Anyway, we saw Iron Man 2. I got all excited when Stark discovered a new element. I gasped in such a way that Katie asked me if I was getting a little too excited. (lmao) What can I say? I like science and I especially love chemistry. We ate at this place called Super Chicken at one point. It was really good but there was a tornado warning in the county and Katie was getting kind of nervous about it. Nothing happened where we were, though; so it's all good. I also got a new dress (all three words a separate links :D). It's officially my favorite summer dress. Well...yeah, it is. It's cotton, it's comfortable and I feel good in it. (That's all that matters ladies, don't worry about what others say!)
          We tried to go to the Botanical Garden of the Ozarks but David wasn't down for the $5 entry fee (lol). It was a rather depressing several days, truth be told. Being cut off my spiritual family and facing my shortcomings (I probably needed the humbling experience) really dragged me down. Sleeping on the floor didn't help, I bet. Two mats on the floor is okay for one night but any longer starts to get painful. It would have been worse with the air mattress, they lose pressure to easily and I need it to be firm. Before coming back to Conway, I saw How to Train Your Dragon with David. It was cute. Nice graphics, I even liked how the main character acted like a scientist and observed the dragons instead of trying to kill them. Not a deep movie by any means but a nice family movie nonetheless.
          What else...? Oh! I took my buddy Trevor to LDMA (a martial arts school) a couple times this month. He seems to really like it there. I went there for a couple years while I was going to junior college (before I transferred to UCA). It was kind of silly to expect that I could just jump right back in to those hardcore workouts and do well after three years of being gone and probably not hydrated enough for the day.
          Trying to get back into WoW but it just doesn't appeal to me like it used to. There may be a few reasons for this, among them: real life interaction is preferable (unless you're playing it together. in the same room. then that's awesome), it feels like a chore! I have one level 80 character (Keyaru) and she's not geared well enough to do some of the better raids. (I don't expect most of you to understand that last sentence.) I'm sick of questing in Icecrown, achievements are taking a while, grinding for reputation, running randoms (random dungeons) for emblems for better gear...such a chore. All these things allow me to be kind of ADD about what I do in the game but it's so boring! I don't feel like working my alts (other characters) either. /sigh Oh well.
          I've been able to pick up deviantART journal skin requests again. Did two just today. I'm really hoping to get into my writing again, too but I'm having trouble continuing my book. I guess I just need to sit down and do it, seems it easier when I make myself do it. I'm so close to the end! I can feel it.
          Man, I really need to post more often, that way my posts won't be so long...oh, who am I kidding? They'd still be fairly long if I posted every week. Or maybe not. I don't know. That's the important stuff for now. I'll try to post something when I move into my new apartment, hopefully next week.

Drowning in a puddle

          There's been a decline in my disposition over the past few days. It could be the turning of the seasons, the return of rain and clouds, almost anything. After so many years suffering from it, I've learned to recognize the symptoms of depression when they emerge. Right now it's mild-moderate yet pervasive. It usually starts with a lack of motivation. I just don't have the strength to go on. Then it sinks into hopelessness and I can feel myself going down.
          I feel like I'm drowning in a puddle. I only have to get up but I seem unable to lift myself enough to breathe. Procrastination is something I struggle with every semester and every semester I lose. I'd already reached the point where it doesn't even bother me anymore. Now I just don't care; I actively avoid my studies now. I've resigned myself to complacency and only wish to get away from it all.
          I would reach out to my friends but what I need is a taskmaster, someone to light a fire under me and make me do what needs to be done. They are not my parents, they are not my babysitters. I'm an adult, they shouldn't have to take that kind of responsibility. I'm seriously considering dropping out. I wonder if maybe this isn't where God wants me to be but it doesn't make sense.
          It's like a physics problem. I'm a Mac truck on a three-mile-high cliff, in physics that would be huge potential. I want to roll forward and take full advantage of it but the friction is too great so I go nowhere.
          Help me...

Damming the River of Love

          Depending on the situation I'm not a very open person. I bottle everything up and try to deal on my own without letting God do His thing to help me with my burdens. I've had Coldplay's "Square One" stuck in my head so far this week. It's a rather melancholy song. When I'm in those moods, that's what I listen to, especially when the lyrics resonate so much with me.

...You just want somebody listening to what you say...
Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too?
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And then you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult had fired you
You wonder if your chance'll ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

          When I was younger, I used to fight showers. I'd avoid them because, for whatever reason, I just didn't want to take one. But when I got in under that hot water and got all cleaned up, you couldn't get me out! It's the same way with opening up to people and letting them know I have a need, even if it's just someone who will listen.
          Last night was Grace's surprise birthday party (right before Christ Church meeting). Hearing everyone say what they did about her, while I agreed it was true I felt that's how I want to be known. Someone with wisdom and compassion and so much love. I can't be that person though, not if I trust in my own reason and not seek God's wisdom.
          I'm an introvert, it takes a lot for me to open up. After church we broke into our small groups for discussion and prayer as needed. I sat there for a while and realized I couldn't really talk to anyone in there. I went outside and stared at the moon and the stars, trying not cry. I thought of Coldplay's "Yellow" and how after reading 1 John, it takes on a whole new meaning. I sat down at the curb of the front walkway and sang to myself FFH's "Power in His Blood" in an attempt to comfort myself.

There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
Sufficient and full there's power in His blood
His love is all we need
There's joy in the spirit of the Lord

          It wasn't really helping. Ian was outside and he must have finished his phone conversation because he sat down next to me. Part of the reason I hate opening up is the crying part. After holding it in for so long, I start to cry. It all comes out. How I feel such a disconnect, my difficulty in expressing my needs; how seeing Alex this week reminded me of everything wrong in my life at the time, my depression and obsession and wanting to be free of it; my struggle with dealing with Max's decision not to be more than friends (disappointment, wondering his reasons why, rationalizing that it doesn't matter, he had his reasons and accepting that). Ian told me what I needed to hear; that how no matter what was going on in my life, no matter who I wanted, to depend on Jesus as the only one who could fulfill my needs. I wasn't really surprised to learn he had dealt with similar struggles and was rather introverted as well. I'm not really sure what I expected of him, but it makes sense.
          During my talk with Ian, I mentioned Ka'ne (haha) and how she was my strength, my inspiration. Before she was my strength and my comfort but now I see her as....this illustration is best: Where and when Christ leads, she urges me to follow. As any well-made character, she is not perfect. Far from it. She has her good qualities to be sure but she wouldn't want to be role model. She's made mistakes in her life and had to live with them. Imperfect as she is, she urges me to follow His perfection and wisdom.
          On the way back to school, I continued to ruminate over what had been said. All my holding in was like dam in my river of love. It would never run dry but this dam had slowed its flow to a trickle. I realized that I regularly needed face-to-face and heart-to-heart talks about what was going on in my life to keep that river clear and flowing full force. It hurts at first. It's hard to get started, just like getting in that shower and allowing yourself to be washed by the water. But when it's over, I feel so clean and light. I must remind myself of it so that I may gladly do it again.