An interesting year

          Ah, the final stretch. We're in that final month of school in which our professors realize we only have one month of school before finals and therefore must cram as much information into the remaining lectures as possible. Well, if they've mismanaged their time they are. Of course, the snow days we had at the beginning of the school year have certainly put kinks into even the best-laid plans. :shrug: C'est la vie.
          As the editor loaded, I realized that it's been almost a year since I created this blog and made my first post. So much has happened since then. You can see how much things have changed since then. I think I can also see the cycle I go through each semester of hope and excitement to diligence to stress to more stress to dropping the ball to disappointment to resignation to eagerness for the semester to be over. Is that about how your semester goes? This time I've fought the resignation and...well, I'll explain more in a bit.
          So, since my last post (I loved all your comments), or rather my next-to-last post, a lot has happened. Sunday evening before classes started again I got together with Drew, Austin, Caleb and Ian and we all prayed for the coming weeks. That we would all maintain focus, do what we needed to do and trust God to take of care everything. In the time since then, I've just had so much joy and love and my heart. It's almost as if God was preparing me for the stresses that I would encounter.
          I get back to school and my scheduling problems were worked out by the end of the day, I got that extra credit hour I needed for my preferred schedule. Wednesday I talked to my adviser. That evening I registered for all my classes. Thursday morning that extra credit hour was added to my schedule as well. What is that final credit hour? Well, I was offered an amazing opportunity and I seized it immediately. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. Well, it's rather humble lab work but it's right up my chemistry education alley. I'm hopeful that future chemistry students at UCA will benefit from said humble lab work. I also hope to learn a few things about choosing and altering labs for when I teach. Pondering on the implications of this little yet significant event, I'm amazed at God's planning. I see these events, some discouraging, many hopeful, and all seemingly disconnected until you see them culminate in this. It's so beautiful.
          This semester as a whole has been amazing. I'm learning things I realized I needed to learn and being used in ways I couldn't have fathomed. I've really been encouraged lately to learn that God is showing through. All I see in myself are my problems that need working on but I've been consistently told good things about myself. I almost can't believe it. Me? I'm a mess, so broken. Any good seen in me must come from God. There's no other explanation. It's so cool but I really feel I don't deserve any of it. That's another really beautiful thing.

Learning what I need to learn
          Last semester, you may remember I took a teaching methods and materials class. At the end I taught a real lesson in a 9th grade physical science class. I got a lot of positive feedback in terms of how I did the lesson but areas I needed to improve in all boiled down to classroom management. I'm taking classroom management now and I think it's pretty cool that I'm in the one class I needed to work on that area of teaching.
          Throughout this semester I've learned that I'm not very confident in my laboratory skills (specifically in chemistry). Granted, I've been right about a few things (like NMR tubes are not a recommended substitute for glass stirring rods) but my poor lab partner seems to be doing the lion's share of the work. So how's next semester looking? Well, three credit hours of the twelve I'm taking are labs. Every credit hour of lab equals about three hours actually spent in lab. I'll be spending six hours in quant lab (working alone, as my current lab partner in organic tells me) as well as the one credit hour of research. That's just the hands on. I plan on being a TA for two labs (I love being a TA), probably one organic lab (usually three hours) and a physiological chemistry lab (usually two hours). I earn minimum wage and those hours will pay the electric and internet bill easy. That's nice but what's really great about it is the experience. I get practice helping students in lab and reinforcing my knowledge of chemistry and lab techniques. I suppose I could also use that reference when I finally get to teaching.

On not giving up
          About the non-resignation, I was told last Friday (not yesterday) in an email from the professor that I was not doing well in Organic Spectroscopy and would likely not being able to pass. There was a test Monday (over IR and NMR spectroscopy) and he didn't think I was prepared. Therefore, I should drop the class. Granted, he was right. I was not doing the homework and I failed the first test. That's not what bothered me about this. It was the underlying message: I don't see you making it, you should just quit. That was extremely upsetting to me. Communicating that lack of faith in and low expectations of me. By the time I'd read the email, it was too late to drop that day anyway. I lost it. I cried. I tried to pull myself together for movie night: I wiped the tears away and reapplied my eye liner. I show up at the apartment where we do movie night and I realize I'm not that strong. I head out the balcony and listen to my music to calm myself down.
          No such luck. I realize Drew is trying to talk to me so I go back inside since I can't ignore him. He and Caleb see me all teary and I lose it again. I just cry. It's gotta be some kind of breakdown at this point. They talk me down and encourage me, telling me there might be a chance to fix it; talk to the professor to see if there's anything I can do, etc. I calm down, deciding not to quit though not entirely sure what to do. The next day I look at the syllabus to estimate my current grade in the class and determine if there is hope. I figure if I do really well on Monday's test, the final, and turn in all my homework between now and then, I can get out of the class with the minimum grade for credit. A long shot, but I'm hopeful. Sunday after church, I try working practice problems online but I don't really get anywhere. So I break out the text book and start working the problems at the end of the chapters I was going to be tested on. I was able to answer most of them but I was still a bit unsure. I think I spent about four or five hours on those problems before I go to bed.
          Monday, I go into the test not entirely sure how it's going to go. I'm relieved to be given a couple sheets of standard shifts (one for IR peaks and another for proton and carbon-13 NMR, trust me when I say they're really helpful). I glance through the test and the last part are all problems from the book I had worked on Sunday! I had to stifle my joy, otherwise I might have squealed. I work through the test, hoping I got most of it right. I finish the test and hand it in, whispering that I am hopeful. I also noticed that I was the first to turn in the test (not that it's a race). I'm feeling pretty good about it, now.
          Wednesdays I TA for my o-spec professor. I almost didn't go to work that morning because I was still a bit sore about those words, despite the test. But I did and when I came in he said something to the effect of "I must have made you mad because you did really well on that test." He expressed a hope for my improvement and reminded me to do my homework. Come time for o-spec, I get my test back and it's a 94! I nearly tackle Drew in the hallway after class. lol. I have hope...

God's plans in my life
          ...I just have to work at it. That's not anything I didn't already know. You could ask me after I screw up on something if I knew what I did wrong, I almost always tell you I know exactly what I did wrong. That's a bit frustrating thing for me: despite knowing better, I don't always do what's right or required of me. Part of my learning curve in college (this, five years in, three at UCA) is understanding myself and how to study.
          All those classes I've repeated are reminders of why I should study and also of God's hand in my life. If I'd made my own plans, I'd be almost done with school. As it stands, I'll probably need an additional four more semesters at least before I'll be done. I'm starting to see this semester that I'm exactly where I need to be. In physics, Desireé is my lab partner. Physics is a subject I find really hard to like but having lab with her makes it so enjoyable. We uplift each other and make it fun. We laugh and giggle all the way through lab. I can't imagine bearing those labs without her.
          Organic labs are great with Cris, he's such a patient lab partner. It's also nice to have Drew in the group next to ours. Lecture is that much more fun with John and Stephen. If I hadn't taken this class this semester, I'm sure I would not have been offered the amazing yet humble lab opportunity.

Friday was awesome
          One last thing to share: yesterday was awesome! I think it started Thursday night with learning about my strengths and weaknesses in various spiritual gifts as well as a long and deep conversation with a brother struggling with some things. Anyway, yesterday was indicative of God placing me exactly where I needed to be and exercising my spiritual gifts. It really underscores how my life has changed in the past year. I got up early and took the car in for maintenance (meh).
          I got a ride back to UCA courtesy of the business. The driver asked about my major, I said "Chemistry and teaching." "Why chemistry?" "Because I like it." "That's good answer." He talked about his daughter being an ag-ed teacher. We discussed school and teaching.
          On a whim (actually, God's direction) I headed over the cafeteria (it was about 8:15-8:30 by this time) and had some water. The water is not important; what is important is that my friends showed up and we all talked. After they left some other friends showed up and I talked to them. It was really great to talk about my faith, my friendships, teaching, psychology and stuff like that.
          After two hours in the cafeteria I leave. I end up in Laney and visit my favorite professor. I learn a little more about what will be expected of me in that opportunity I seized. We also had a nice chat about school, teaching and learning. It was really encouraging for us both I think. After that I go the student center and have lunch. I talk to a nice lady and her grandson (there for the geography bee) about school and learning (big shocker). The boy's mother (and the lady's daughter) was apparently a middle level science teacher. That was a cool conversation, too.
          Finally it's time for physics at noon. Desiree is in a good mood but after class, not so much. I buy her lunch and we talk for nearly an hour about life, school, and just cheer each other up. She thanks me repeatedly for the lunch (seriously it's no trouble at all, :D). The afternoon winds down with a little (much needed) shopping before I head to movie night (a blast as always). That was my Friday and it was awesome.

          If you've read this far, wow. It's a lot. Thanks for reading. I really do love you guys; you're all so amazing. I thank God every day for you as friends and mentors, sharing and caring and giving. Life is good.

'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in

          Have you had one those moments where something you've known all along suddenly sinks in and you get it? I had that last night. I've been struggling with procrastination for so long now that I've become jaded to the possibility I'll ever overcome it. I'd start each semester with enthusiasm. (Yeah! This time I'm going to stay on top of it and do well.) Usually about a month in I've lost it and fall into a rather depressive and anxious apathy. It's not pretty.
          There's a progression that can be traced to the procrastination. I started by finishing a homework assignment due Friday on the Monday before it was due. I felt good. I was making notes from powerpoints online in preparation for class. I was reading the texts. It was awesome. I started to get comfortable. I figure, "I can do it later". Very quickly, I find myself waiting until the night before an assignment is due (sometimes even in the hours before the class). In many cases, I don't even bother to do the assignment or study. Come test day, I go in with no real idea of what I need to know. I earn a bad grade and I start to wonder if there's any point in trying to do better for the next test. Midterm rolls around, I'm stressed, depressed and resigning to failure. It's a quick drop from there to the actual outcome (failure).
          Doing this every semester since....freshman year (oh man) takes its toll. I've always had trouble with it. When faced with something I don't want to do or deal with, I run away. I'm a daydreamer so it's easy to do that. Some of my most popular works on deviantART are the result of me avoiding study. I've logged over 45 days in World of Warcraft as a result of it. I follow 16 webcomics (and counting), 24 people on twitter (and counting), subscribe to 28 channels (and counting) on youtube, watch 260+ deviants and clubs (and counting, see the pattern?), I read Dear ---- everyday, I have bookmarks to diverting sites including the Cheezburger network the site index. More are added on a regular basis. These all aren't bad in and of themselves but I only know about them because I've sought them out in avoidance of productive work. I check my social networks daily (often several times a day) and it's really pathetic. I could spend an entire day just keeping up to date with all of them. So what changed last night?
          Christ Church Conway didn't do it's "off-week" get together. The "on" weeks, we meet with Patch and are going through Galatians. The off weeks we wanted to get together to pray, care for each other, and whatever else God inspires us to do. Well, Drew was gone at work and only a couple people showed up. So, I came back to the apartment. For some strange reason I came in, sat down, put up my Movie Music Pandora station and full screen SitBack on deviantART (set to spring-related deviations). This is my study combo. It's mostly instrumental music with nice images on the screen (the rest is black so it blocks everything else out). It keeps me focused a lot better. Anyway, I started on my physics homework and I was struck at how easy it was. I was relaxed doing it. BAM!. Why have I putting myself through all this misery over an easy and almost therapeutic assignment?
          It's carried over to this morning. I got up and worked a little on an assignment that's due Tuesday. After this blog, I'm going to finish my lab write-up for Organic and do next week's pre-lab assignment. Sunday afternoon I'm getting with a friend to figure out how to write our physics lab report. And it goes on. I mean, wow! That moment was quite a while in the making. There's more to it. As I've said, I've known about this problem for a while and exactly how to fix it. Get it done early! You have more time to do the fun stuff and suddenly those time wasters are much less interesting. So what are the other pieces? Hm.
          I was very lucky to get away with C's for the first physics and organic chemistry tests. I like to go back and find the correct answers to the questions I got wrong. I was able to get most of the ones reworked to the right answer but there were a couple I was unsure of. I finally got to meet with my organic professor Tuesday afternoon to ask him. During the course of the conversation, he said a of stuff I already knew. That conversation was another push in the right direction because I studied some for the organic quiz on Thursday. As Caitlin said to me, "Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else." Wednesday I didn't go to chemistry tutoring but I stayed in and studied for a few hours more for Thursday's quiz in organic (I think I did pretty well on it, by the way).
          Well, the last pieces are ready to fall into place. My mp3 player (which I accidentally dropped into water a week or so ago) seemed to finally be working properly again yesterday. I'd had various songs stuck in my head but I wanted to hear Gravity (originally by Chris Martin of Coldplay, first recorded by Embrace). Now, my mp3 player is set to shuffle unless I'm listening to certain playlists (usually the writing ones). The next three songs after Gravity were what I needed to hear: "Let It All Come Out" by Newsboys (lyrics), "Day by Day" by dcTalk (lyrics), and finally "Sleeping in" by Nevertheless (see below). Crazy, huh?

          And so it all came together into that one simple truth finally sinking in: get it done early.

"Sleeping in" by Nevertheless

I've been sleeping in for days,
'Cause when I am awake,
I will have to face my life.
And I'm hoping it's a phase.
The walls that I create
Can only make it seem alright.
And I get carried away like I'm the only one
Who's ever felt the way that I do,
But I can hear you say, "You're not the only one.
'Cause everybody hopes to get through."

And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.

I've been waking up with fear,
'Cause all that I can hear
The ringing of alarms downtown.
It's been going on for years,
And you have made it clear
That I am not alone in this crowd.
And I get carried away like I'm the only one
Who's ever felt the way that I do,
But I can hear you say, "You're not the only one.
'Cause everybody hopes to get through."

And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.

Open up my eyes.
I'm tired of sleeping in
In a world that's dying to wake up.
And it's got me sleeping in.
Yeah, It's got me sleeping in.

And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.

'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.
Yeah I'm done with sleeping in.