Recent Reveries: A Year(ish) In Review

          So much going on in my head! Allow me to dump it out and attempt to share it in an organized fashion. 'Tis the season to reflect, right? Oh, who am I kidding? Do it all the time! Scroll to the bottom for a tl;dr.

Moving and writing
          It's just crazy to think how ten years (and a few months) ago, on my birthday, my family left Oklahoma for Arkansas. I was angry. They took me from everything I'd known and loved for the past six years. I told my parents I would never forgive them. I now know it's one of the best things to happen to me. I was thrown into a deep depression but I was already headed there. Due to the move, I was able to get help.
          I also threw myself into my writing. Pages and pages poured out. It wasn't that good but it was the only place I pour out all my pain and upset. I had no real reason to be depressed, I'd thought, but my characters would. I and the story grew together for many years. As I came out of the darkness and found real joy, the story fell by the wayside. Though never quite forgotten, I felt I had to be in a rather dark place to indulge the thoughts needed to write it.
          Yet, in the past few weeks I'm finding myself talking to the main character again and dreaming of her travels. I see her in a new light. She was always herself but I understand her and her world better now. I'm finding the need to tweak plot details, develop characters in ways I'd never thought of before, excavate themes I didn't realize were buried under it all. Watching the new Hobbit movie (twice!), reading the Chronicles of Narnia (and a handful of other books, fiction and nonfiction), reading about writing, feminism, Christianity, education, psychology, science, and symbolism in movies and books all feeds into this resurrected tale. Yeah, woah.
          I realize now that it will take years to craft the tale to my liking, much less to an editor's. It could be a decade or more, studying the cultural inspirations and psychology of the characters. I'm oddly excited about it. It's like my Sistine Chapel ceiling, it won't be comfortable or easy but it will be worth it. I hope.
          OH! And let me mention the other stories in my head I wish to write: a comic-book like story set mostly in my now beloved Arkansas and a not-too-distant future, a different kind of Little Mermaid story, an anti-undead story in which the few living are rebels in a dead and dying world. Good times. They may not ever see the light of day.

The thing I hated to love talking about
          Love and marriage. I can never quite escape it in my mind, can I? I put much of the blame squarely on God. In the past 18 months I've gone from nearly swearing it off and all but romantic relationships to a healthier acceptance of the fact, you know, I just might get married someday and it might even be kind of amazing. Still, I realize the greatest hindrance is my fear of being hurt.
          It's something I could only have seen in retrospect. My crush-turned-I-think-I'm-going-to-marry-him crazy phase broke me of being so against relationships (among other things). I was afraid to believe the notion that entered my head. It made it easier to let it go in the end. Then I had another (admittedly shallow) crush with someone who did everything right but was very wrong for me. It would have been okay, my crush would have passed as a temporary, suppressed annoyance but then he connected the dots from facebook and returned my interest. /sigh It took months for me not to smile like a fool when we conversed.
          Spring Kaleo conference, joining BCM leadership and especially Super Summer made me realize there are a lot of amazing, Godly, Christ-seeking men out there. From that one crazy crush to now, I realized the kind of man I want, that I need (as far as God has shown me to need and desire) can and probably does exist. I'm also really, really honored to call such men my brothers in Christ. It made me appreciate the Godly men in my life, not just the cute, young guys that happen to be single (they're so much more than that) but also the husbands, fathers, mentors and church leaders. It blows my mind. I trust them. Considering I greatly distrust (and even fear) most men, this is a big deal.
          That doesn't mean I have crush on every single one of the "available" young men among my acquaintances. Yes, several of them are attractive. That's nice. I have a passing interest in a few, but no infatuations. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. The kind of man I want and need has to decide he wants me and chase me. I've decided this. I refuse to chase boys. There are too many variables, like: who would I chase? No. I'm open to a relationship but not actively seeking it. I've better things to do with my time and energy like doing science, reading, maybe writing but most importantly doing what God wants me to do.

But what does God want me to do?
          It's a lifelong quest, divining His will. I'll surely be asking this in six months, six years, and at sixty years old. What am I doing? I'm going to school to be a science teacher to students facing adulthood. I used to think teaching is exactly what I would do and I would stay in Arkansas for the rest of my life (if I could help it). BUT...that one crazy crush. Suddenly, I was open to living abroad and maybe not even teaching or doing science. I'm working on an ESL endorsement, now, though. I'm excited for the possibilities it could open up.
          I no longer have a vision for what my future may hold. There are too many probable paths, I can't see myself following any one in particular. All I know is I can trust His lead.

Finally, as year dies, let me speak of death
          I don't mean to be morbid but life is too fragile and short to live as if I'm immortal and invincible. This is the legacy of my depression and a friend who many feel died far too young. I've already decided, Acts 20:32 must be the first thing said at my memorial/funeral:

And now I entrust you to God and the message of his grace that is able to build you up and give you an inheritance with all those he has set apart for himself. (NLT)

I'm sure that among you there is someone who can unpack that verse and apply it to the context of my memorial. If the organizers can throw in Switchfoot's "Souvenirs" (kind of cliche sounding) and/or "Where I Belong", that'd be cool.
          So, how will I be remembered? What words would I leave to those I love? I would tell them, tell you:

I have loved you with a love I didn't know could be had, that I couldn't contain. I hope you experienced the merest taste of it. What follows is a memorial of my life; a eulogy. "Good words." I certainly hope they are. Now, remember well my example and live how you want to be remembered. Life is too short and fragile to live otherwise.

I want to remembered for sharing God's radical love and being Christ to the world. I wasn't perfect and though I feel I rarely got it right, I always dug in my will and tried again, I kept going. I always sought to be true to myself and to God. Remember me thus.

TL;DR
          I thank my parents for moving us all to Arkansas; it was a major (good) step to what I am today. I may start writing again. I'm finally okay with the idea of marriage. Future is unknown but I trust God. I'm just trying to live my life how I want to be remembered; I hope you will, too.

Strength through unity. Unity through faith. It's true, not scary.

          It's just about the end of semester here at school. Final big projects are coming due, last tests and quizzes are being given, and stress permeates the atmosphere like a humid Arkansas summer afternoon. I must admit, I have been party to these stresses. I haven't quite been doing what I needed to stay on top of things and once again I find myself struggling to climb out of the holes I've dug for myself. Is it even worth it? What should I do? I also must confess that I haven't been going to church lately in the hopes of getting work done. I missed Tuesday and Sunday (and possible the Sunday before that). I didn't realize how that had affected me until tonight.
          Last night, I had a breakdown. I was working on a project I had to present today. I'd procrastinated and was now desperately trying to get it together. The stress of school and being behind on everything had been building up in me; I was beginning to crack. I couldn't focus; I couldn't relax. I turned off the television but my suitemate complained. I turned it back on and decided I'd go to the library to work. I caught myself getting really upset. First there were a few quiet tears, but when I got in my car, I just lost it. I cried so hard.
          What am I going to do? I don't know if I can do this. Are my grades even worth salvaging? Can I ever change? Am I doomed to fail every semester? The car was already on so I decided to drive. I got to the end of the street and cried even harder at the stop sign. I turned onto street in front of campus but I passed the library and kept going. I ended up driving around town, not really knowing where I was going. I didn't care. At this point, I'm certain I'm having some kind of breakdown. The whole time, I just cried. Eventually, I started to calm down a little bit (or at least stopped crying for a bit).
          I get back and park. I start to text on my phone but in the middle of it Desiree calls with some questions about an assignment. I state I hadn't done it. Somehow, I cry again during the conversation and I pour out all my anxieties. She gives me a speech about doing the work we need to do. She apologizes several times but she feels the need to say it. I insist that it's what I need to hear. After our conversation. I get back to the apartment. I'd been out for about forty-five minutes by then. I force myself to sit down and work on it. I eventually finish it at 4am.
          By the way, it takes a long time to print 42 color pages. This morning, I set back my alarm a couple times before getting up. I head to my first class. It's going all right until the not-unexpected pop quiz. I don't think I did well on it. The next class is the one where I had to present the project. I was all nerves. I'm fairly sure it was obvious how unprepared I was. I was supposed to take ten minutes but I rushed, forgot a lot of what I was going to say and did it only in five. By now, I feel defeated. It was not a happy morning. I have lunch with friends and go back to the apartment. I try to get some work done but distractions abound.
          Before my afternoon lab I decide to post a glowing review of a professor on RateMyProfessor. Posting that review improved my mood quite a bit. Looking back, I think focusing on something I'm thankful for helped pull focus from my shortcomings to something outside myself that was good. I amused myself by reading the negative reviews (they really were funny) before heading to lab. I have fun with Desiree in lab, as usual. Lots of giggling, whining, and being lost.
          My mood starts to sink again and I'm exhausted. I got less than four hours of sleep last night. I feel distinctly broken. My head felt strange, like I have a cold but it's not a physical illness. I try to nap but stresses invade my sleep and it's fitful. My alarm goes off. I make a simple dinner and head to church. It's obvious we're all stressed. We talk a bit before we dig into Galatians. We read chapter two, versus fifteen through twenty-one.
          Throughout the discussion, I truly relax. God was speaking to me. I felt the way I know I'm supposed to feel, peaceful and full of love. I really needed that. I realized that by missing church, I'd short-changed myself. I allowed external things to get to me and be brought down by them and my human nature. I wasn't allowing God to show through as much as I should. I'd left myself vulnerable to attack. Digging into the Word and having fellowship builds us up and keeps us strong. We need each other. To remind each other of what we know and to keep focused on what matters, build Christ-esteem rather than self-esteem.
          It was so refreshing tonight. I feel mended and whole, again. It's important we care for each other and study together. It's a huge part of functioning as the body of Christ, perhaps the most important thing next to loving and obeying God. In Him I am strong. Together in Him with my brothers and sisters, we are so much more than we could be alone.

An interesting year

          Ah, the final stretch. We're in that final month of school in which our professors realize we only have one month of school before finals and therefore must cram as much information into the remaining lectures as possible. Well, if they've mismanaged their time they are. Of course, the snow days we had at the beginning of the school year have certainly put kinks into even the best-laid plans. :shrug: C'est la vie.
          As the editor loaded, I realized that it's been almost a year since I created this blog and made my first post. So much has happened since then. You can see how much things have changed since then. I think I can also see the cycle I go through each semester of hope and excitement to diligence to stress to more stress to dropping the ball to disappointment to resignation to eagerness for the semester to be over. Is that about how your semester goes? This time I've fought the resignation and...well, I'll explain more in a bit.
          So, since my last post (I loved all your comments), or rather my next-to-last post, a lot has happened. Sunday evening before classes started again I got together with Drew, Austin, Caleb and Ian and we all prayed for the coming weeks. That we would all maintain focus, do what we needed to do and trust God to take of care everything. In the time since then, I've just had so much joy and love and my heart. It's almost as if God was preparing me for the stresses that I would encounter.
          I get back to school and my scheduling problems were worked out by the end of the day, I got that extra credit hour I needed for my preferred schedule. Wednesday I talked to my adviser. That evening I registered for all my classes. Thursday morning that extra credit hour was added to my schedule as well. What is that final credit hour? Well, I was offered an amazing opportunity and I seized it immediately. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. Well, it's rather humble lab work but it's right up my chemistry education alley. I'm hopeful that future chemistry students at UCA will benefit from said humble lab work. I also hope to learn a few things about choosing and altering labs for when I teach. Pondering on the implications of this little yet significant event, I'm amazed at God's planning. I see these events, some discouraging, many hopeful, and all seemingly disconnected until you see them culminate in this. It's so beautiful.
          This semester as a whole has been amazing. I'm learning things I realized I needed to learn and being used in ways I couldn't have fathomed. I've really been encouraged lately to learn that God is showing through. All I see in myself are my problems that need working on but I've been consistently told good things about myself. I almost can't believe it. Me? I'm a mess, so broken. Any good seen in me must come from God. There's no other explanation. It's so cool but I really feel I don't deserve any of it. That's another really beautiful thing.

Learning what I need to learn
          Last semester, you may remember I took a teaching methods and materials class. At the end I taught a real lesson in a 9th grade physical science class. I got a lot of positive feedback in terms of how I did the lesson but areas I needed to improve in all boiled down to classroom management. I'm taking classroom management now and I think it's pretty cool that I'm in the one class I needed to work on that area of teaching.
          Throughout this semester I've learned that I'm not very confident in my laboratory skills (specifically in chemistry). Granted, I've been right about a few things (like NMR tubes are not a recommended substitute for glass stirring rods) but my poor lab partner seems to be doing the lion's share of the work. So how's next semester looking? Well, three credit hours of the twelve I'm taking are labs. Every credit hour of lab equals about three hours actually spent in lab. I'll be spending six hours in quant lab (working alone, as my current lab partner in organic tells me) as well as the one credit hour of research. That's just the hands on. I plan on being a TA for two labs (I love being a TA), probably one organic lab (usually three hours) and a physiological chemistry lab (usually two hours). I earn minimum wage and those hours will pay the electric and internet bill easy. That's nice but what's really great about it is the experience. I get practice helping students in lab and reinforcing my knowledge of chemistry and lab techniques. I suppose I could also use that reference when I finally get to teaching.

On not giving up
          About the non-resignation, I was told last Friday (not yesterday) in an email from the professor that I was not doing well in Organic Spectroscopy and would likely not being able to pass. There was a test Monday (over IR and NMR spectroscopy) and he didn't think I was prepared. Therefore, I should drop the class. Granted, he was right. I was not doing the homework and I failed the first test. That's not what bothered me about this. It was the underlying message: I don't see you making it, you should just quit. That was extremely upsetting to me. Communicating that lack of faith in and low expectations of me. By the time I'd read the email, it was too late to drop that day anyway. I lost it. I cried. I tried to pull myself together for movie night: I wiped the tears away and reapplied my eye liner. I show up at the apartment where we do movie night and I realize I'm not that strong. I head out the balcony and listen to my music to calm myself down.
          No such luck. I realize Drew is trying to talk to me so I go back inside since I can't ignore him. He and Caleb see me all teary and I lose it again. I just cry. It's gotta be some kind of breakdown at this point. They talk me down and encourage me, telling me there might be a chance to fix it; talk to the professor to see if there's anything I can do, etc. I calm down, deciding not to quit though not entirely sure what to do. The next day I look at the syllabus to estimate my current grade in the class and determine if there is hope. I figure if I do really well on Monday's test, the final, and turn in all my homework between now and then, I can get out of the class with the minimum grade for credit. A long shot, but I'm hopeful. Sunday after church, I try working practice problems online but I don't really get anywhere. So I break out the text book and start working the problems at the end of the chapters I was going to be tested on. I was able to answer most of them but I was still a bit unsure. I think I spent about four or five hours on those problems before I go to bed.
          Monday, I go into the test not entirely sure how it's going to go. I'm relieved to be given a couple sheets of standard shifts (one for IR peaks and another for proton and carbon-13 NMR, trust me when I say they're really helpful). I glance through the test and the last part are all problems from the book I had worked on Sunday! I had to stifle my joy, otherwise I might have squealed. I work through the test, hoping I got most of it right. I finish the test and hand it in, whispering that I am hopeful. I also noticed that I was the first to turn in the test (not that it's a race). I'm feeling pretty good about it, now.
          Wednesdays I TA for my o-spec professor. I almost didn't go to work that morning because I was still a bit sore about those words, despite the test. But I did and when I came in he said something to the effect of "I must have made you mad because you did really well on that test." He expressed a hope for my improvement and reminded me to do my homework. Come time for o-spec, I get my test back and it's a 94! I nearly tackle Drew in the hallway after class. lol. I have hope...

God's plans in my life
          ...I just have to work at it. That's not anything I didn't already know. You could ask me after I screw up on something if I knew what I did wrong, I almost always tell you I know exactly what I did wrong. That's a bit frustrating thing for me: despite knowing better, I don't always do what's right or required of me. Part of my learning curve in college (this, five years in, three at UCA) is understanding myself and how to study.
          All those classes I've repeated are reminders of why I should study and also of God's hand in my life. If I'd made my own plans, I'd be almost done with school. As it stands, I'll probably need an additional four more semesters at least before I'll be done. I'm starting to see this semester that I'm exactly where I need to be. In physics, Desireé is my lab partner. Physics is a subject I find really hard to like but having lab with her makes it so enjoyable. We uplift each other and make it fun. We laugh and giggle all the way through lab. I can't imagine bearing those labs without her.
          Organic labs are great with Cris, he's such a patient lab partner. It's also nice to have Drew in the group next to ours. Lecture is that much more fun with John and Stephen. If I hadn't taken this class this semester, I'm sure I would not have been offered the amazing yet humble lab opportunity.

Friday was awesome
          One last thing to share: yesterday was awesome! I think it started Thursday night with learning about my strengths and weaknesses in various spiritual gifts as well as a long and deep conversation with a brother struggling with some things. Anyway, yesterday was indicative of God placing me exactly where I needed to be and exercising my spiritual gifts. It really underscores how my life has changed in the past year. I got up early and took the car in for maintenance (meh).
          I got a ride back to UCA courtesy of the business. The driver asked about my major, I said "Chemistry and teaching." "Why chemistry?" "Because I like it." "That's good answer." He talked about his daughter being an ag-ed teacher. We discussed school and teaching.
          On a whim (actually, God's direction) I headed over the cafeteria (it was about 8:15-8:30 by this time) and had some water. The water is not important; what is important is that my friends showed up and we all talked. After they left some other friends showed up and I talked to them. It was really great to talk about my faith, my friendships, teaching, psychology and stuff like that.
          After two hours in the cafeteria I leave. I end up in Laney and visit my favorite professor. I learn a little more about what will be expected of me in that opportunity I seized. We also had a nice chat about school, teaching and learning. It was really encouraging for us both I think. After that I go the student center and have lunch. I talk to a nice lady and her grandson (there for the geography bee) about school and learning (big shocker). The boy's mother (and the lady's daughter) was apparently a middle level science teacher. That was a cool conversation, too.
          Finally it's time for physics at noon. Desiree is in a good mood but after class, not so much. I buy her lunch and we talk for nearly an hour about life, school, and just cheer each other up. She thanks me repeatedly for the lunch (seriously it's no trouble at all, :D). The afternoon winds down with a little (much needed) shopping before I head to movie night (a blast as always). That was my Friday and it was awesome.

          If you've read this far, wow. It's a lot. Thanks for reading. I really do love you guys; you're all so amazing. I thank God every day for you as friends and mentors, sharing and caring and giving. Life is good.

School connects with life

Introduction
          This may come a shock to some but you learn a lot of stuff in college that is usable in the "real world". I'm not just talking about the classes you take. Actually, (in this case) I kind of am. In classroom management this week, we've started talking about caring and safety in the classroom. If students don't think we care (about them and our job), why should they? If they don't feel safe, it distracts from learning. One of the aspects of this is being sensitive to students' concerns. It involves various things but I want to focus on what I have to present on Tuesday (in a poster): privacy in addressing things.
Lead-in
          There are certain things you want to address privately in the classroom: grades, inappropriate behavior, and emotional/social issues. Students don't always want to stand out. Some would be embarrassed to be singled out for a particularly good or bad grade. Inappropriate behavior is a difficult one, too. You don't want to call them out in front of everyone but it can't be ignored. If a student is having an issue (break-up, troubled home life, etc.), it's good to talk to them, to help them understand what they feel and how to deal the situation (if they can).
The meat of it
          So, this can apply to "real life". As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are accountable to each other. If a friend is going through some rough times, talk to them privately. Their problems don't need to be made public. If someone does something inappropriate or otherwise bothers you, that should be addressed privately as well. I would do this for you and I expect you to do it for me. In truth and love, we care for one another. We must heed His urges to help guide and correct one another. In doing so, we create unity, accountability, and caring. It's all for the advancement of His kingdom and deepening our relationships not only with Him but each other as well. That is how the body of Christ functions.

Stars in the distance

          So the highlight of my day is full of leavings. Derek sent me a message today saying we weren't right for each other. I kind of saw this coming. I'd mentioned to someone that I didn't really see it going anywhere. For some reason, I have the song Quicksand by Natalie Walker stuck in my head. I keep thinking I should be all heartbroken and sad but I'm not. These feelings are like a star in the distance. I can see them but they are so far away, the only evidence is a single point of light in my vast sky. I honestly felt much worse when Max said he didn't think it would work out and those feelings were not unbearable. C'est ma vie. Forget sparkly vampires and celebrity crushes, my unrealistic standard for men is Ryumaru (shy, adoring, patient and understanding) and he's not that unrealistic. Someday I will find my Ryumaru...
          My brother left with our dad back home, too. Six hundred miles away they will be. I won't see my brother for three to four weeks. When he comes back here it will be my turn to go home. I may be spending my birthday with just my parents and maternal grandmother who lives with us. I'm considering going back as soon as my summer class is over and spending only a week or two at home before returning. It would just be long enough to get a new license plate and driver's license. This way I could spend my birthday with my friends and family.
          I'm wondering if maybe I'm being too cautious about love. I always say go for it. I went for it, twice, and it didn't work out so no regrets there. I just think I may be holding back, not investing as much as I could and probably should. Sure it makes things easier if it doesn't work out but am I making it more likely to end up this way by investing so little? The irrational girl inside of me wants answers as to why he's saying this but my rational self insists the means do not matter, in the end the result is the same. His reasons are his own and he owes me no explanation. [On a random note, I've just learned I don't really like cherry flavored AirHeads.]
          In other news, I aced the calculus test last Monday. I'm so happy. I just have to keep working and I can make it out with a B. I'm tired if being lazy and not studying which results in C's or D's and a repeat of the class (I don't think I've ever had an F though). I don't understand why I fight it so. I may seem nice and at times I may be too forgiving and giving but I am a willful person and I tend to do what I want. This passive aggressiveness led teachers back in grace school to believe I had ADD but I was just not interested. My dad insists if I really do have OCD it's "selective". Truth is, I'm a bit absent-minded but not ADD and my OCD is likely an overcompensation for it.
          I am so ambiguous.
          I am quiet if I'm not loud. Sweet and yielding if not headstrong and tactless. I am easily distracted when not intensely focused. I will eat with great control (parfait of granola, fruit and yogurt) only to easily down the entire meal at a hibachi restaurant (in my defense it's really good, fresh food). I show great maturity and wisdom yet later do not take my own advice. I am melancholy and almost equally sanguine. I am hard to predict at times, you don't know which side of me you'll get. I wonder if perhaps this all is my human nature warring with the spiritual...

Finals began and then they were over.

Finals
          I had two finals today: Learning and Development (L&D) and Organic Chemistry I; otherwise known as: "Why adolescents and teenagers look and act the way they do, maybe." and "See Carbon. See carbon bond. See carbon screw your GPA." respectively. I am so glad I joined that study group last night for L&D, it was fun and I learned exactly what I needed to know for the test.
          As for organic? I tried to study Thursday through Sunday but I failed epically. Fortunately after finishing my L&D final in about 30 minutes I had plenty of time to study...After checking the mail, calling my dad, talking to Desireé, I went back to my room and finally studied. I condensed organic to the following:

Nucleophilic Substitution Flow Chart

[Uber-condensed]S_N1, S_N2, E1, or E2? (table)

Reactions of alcohols to form alkyl halides (table)

Reactions of alkynes (chart)
          Having paid attention in class and taken some notes (lol), I was able to write these simple things down and remember the rest. It definitely helped when taking the test. I'd be happy to share them, you only have to ask. :D
          Next up is Geography on Wednesday but I'm not worried. The teacher lectured straight out of the book. We're allowed to keep all our tests and given the answers the next class after the test.

Moving out, etc.
          I'm moving out of my room Wednesday afternoon. As much as I love my friends, I'll be glad to get away for a few weeks. Tomorrow I pack up and do some initial cleaning. My parents should be up that evening. Wednesday morning we load everything up. I take my test and then leave. Yay!
          I'm taking a 10-week summer course, Calculus II (again). You'd think I would learn by now that homework does help in understanding the material...but no. This is the third semester in a row I've had to repeat a class. At least this time I dropped it. The teacher was so awesome and gave me a WP (despite my epic failure on tests). I can't do grade forgiveness anymore. :( C'est ma vie. Sigh~...
          In my brilliant plan to study, I played some World of Warcraft this weekend. I ended up playing a little more on a character that I'd been neglecting for a while now. The funniest part of playing this weekend was how I told my "Guild" I would return after having dinner and never logged back on. While eating dinner I decided to watch a movie online, or rather two: Emma and Spiderman 3. Could they be any more different? Seeing both took about four hours. Then I went to bed. And still didn't study Sunday.
          I chatted with him Sunday on Facebook. No, I'm not telling you his name right now. It's more fun that way. He's the one I "should have dated" mentioned in the last post. I asked for another try and he seems to giving it. I'm going to stick my rules this time and be just friends and have fun as friends for at least two weeks before I jump into a relationship. We only met one weekend in February (dinner Saturday at IHOP and brunch at McDonald's, lol) but I was surprised how much I liked him. I hesitated to call it chemistry but I guess it was. I wonder if those feelings will all come back when I see him again.
          Sorry, I was about to gush. No need to do that. So one more final then I go home and grind WoW like no tomorrow before (hopefully) getting it right and pwning Cal II instead of the other way around. :P

Why the name, an introduction, and to new beginnings

Why "Of Rain and Orchids"
          It's raining outside; of course. I love my new orchid. I love orchids. Roses are pretty and carnations are nice but orchids are truly things of beauty. Exotic in shape and color, I'm just drawn to them. Hence the title. I made a header for this blog but until the creator of the stock I used okays it, it can only be seen in my deviantART gallery (see right).

An Introduction
          There are those of who you know my real name; to those of you who do not you may call me Michelle. My general online alias is Koneko Decaelum. Koneko is Japanese for kitten. Decaelum is Latin and means "of heaven". I am also on Facebook and deviantART (I highly encourage you check out my page and gallery).
          I am a junior in college and this is my fourth year of school. I have an associate of arts from a junior college not too far from where I now attend. I was originally a psychology major. Upon transferring I changed it to Chemistry and Secondary Physical/Earth Science Education. I hope to teach high school chemistry.
          If nothing else, I strive to live in truth and love. If you live by those two simple principles you may yet live a long and happy life without regrets. 1 John is my favorite book of the Bible and speaks to me and my nature.

To New Beginnings
          Finals are coming; they're next week in fact. It's a great relief to think the semester about over but I'm a little sad, too. I've made some wonderful friends this semester and grown closer to the ones I've had. I've met two wonderful young men. One I dated and other I should have (I may discuss this later). I've learned many new things and others I have been reminded of. There are things I wonder if I'll ever learn. I will face the coming week with hope and determination. Then I pack and retreat home for a few weeks before I must return for summer class.