Memories and mulling

          Of all the endings that have occurred in past several weeks, the most sudden and jarring was the end of my friend's life. Cris was a good friend of mine and a brother in Christ. It's weird realizing that I'll not see him again in this life. I'm also confounded by how I'm grieving. I don't really feel as if I am. Sure, I've shed a few tears but no great sobs, constant sniffles or hours of being inconsolable. I'm just not as emotional as some. I try to focus on going about my days like I have been. I get up, go to class, go to lab, do homework, play WoW, go to church and hang out with friends. Distraction makes it easier.
          Then there are times I find myself processing, reliving memories that have faded all too quickly. I have to dig them up, like carrots, and wash the dirt off before I can see them clearly. I often forget where I plant them, it seems. That's frustrating. However, I found a few choice carrots and slowly I brush off the dirt, finding little nuances I'd forgotten.

BeachReach '09
          BeachReach is a lot of things (like a spring break mission trip involving pancakes, sand and reaching the drunken masses of students), for me it was a spiritual honeymoon. Days before I joined other volunteers from the baptist collegiate ministry (BCM) I was involved with at the time on this venture, I made a leap of faith and decided to trust God with my life. Cris was one of the others that went. I didn't really know him until we went on this mission trip. Over that week, we talked and got to know each other better. I was impressed at how diligently he worked, his focus, and his humor. Talking over pancakes, burying himself in the sand, hearing of how well he managed with the call center and getting attacked by his roommates with pillows, the random silliness on the ride back... I was so impressed that I developed an infatuation with him. Looking back, I still ask, "What's not to like? To love?" but I was already dating someone and clearly God had other plans.

Organic Chemistry 2
          The following spring, we were lab partners in a chemistry class. I already love chemistry and labs, the professor is one of my favorites but Cris made that lab so much more enjoyable. I don't know how he put up with me, I often told him he was doing it wrong and did very little work (well, it seems like it looking back) One lab, we didn't have the glass stir rod needed to mix the chemicals together. Cris, the creative problems-solver, decided that an NMR tube was a great alternative. I expressed my hesitation at using it but he insisted it would be fine.

Glass stir rods are cheap and plentiful in most chemical labs.	NMR tubes are less common and far more expensive. That's all that matters to the story.

          The professor walks over and freaks out a little (maybe more than a little) at our using an NMR tube and locates glass stirring rod for us. Naturally, I pointed out that I thought it was a bad idea. It goes without saying I should have gotten a glass stir rod myself. We could have avoided the chiding. We all laughed about it in recent months.
          Another lab probably half way through the semester, Cris expressed surprised at me smiling. I remember asking, "In the past year we've been friends you haven't seen me smile once?" "Nope," he said. I've laughed. Well yes, but not smiled. I'm sure I have and for some reason he never saw, I guess. I can assure you he saw plenty more since then.
          At the end of that semester, I got out early out of a really rough physics test and decided to go watch his group's presentation on a project they'd worked on in another class. I remember coming in when he was getting grilled with questions by our organic chem professor. Cris had been asked to draw the mechanism of a reaction. I saw where he missed an atom coming off (or coming in) and thought "Oh, oh, it's right there, get it!" and silently cheered (in my head) when he got it. I was so proud. After the presentation, he thanked me for showing up, especially since I had a test. (I was going to fail that class anyway, haha).

And time passed
          I'm sorry I didn't keep in regular contact with him the past few months. He was a teaching assistant for one of my labs (the same one that he did a presentation on) but I was more worried about getting the lab done and done right that catching up with him. We ran into each other in the halls of the chemistry building now and then as well as in my few visits to the BCM. We even attended the same conference in October. I remember staying late one day after a lab and talking with Cris and Dr. Mauldin about chemistry and teaching, what we'd learned and our hopes for the future. We can make all the plans we want but sometimes, God says nope, come on home.
          I can't imagine how some of you are feeling; how you're dealing with it. I rest on the simple fact that Cris was a Christian. The proof of his relationship with God was in how he lived his life. I won't ever see him again in this life but I know I'll see him in the next.

May's intercession from life

Lots of links in this one! Some are from dailybooth, a photo site. Others are links to places and a few wiki articles for those that may want to learn more about stuff. :D          I seem to update about once a month, don't I? I prefer to update once a week but that doesn't seem to happen. :P Anyway, finals were two two weeks ago. They were there, the punishment for not doing what I needed to do throughout the semester...and then they were over. Time seemed a narrow, steep ravine and suddenly you stumble into an open plain. I wasn't entirely sure what to do with myself.
          I've had very few plans. They're not the ones I had during school: 12pm Physics, 1pm Organic Spectroscopy, 2pm Monday and Wednesdays were lab, etc. Now they're more like: Tuesday go to Fayetteville for a few days. Next Tuesday look at furniture. Thursday, go to kickboxing. Monday have lunch with Caleb. Haha! I kind of like it, but not? It's nice to have a really open schedule but I guess I need more structure throughout the day to feel productive. A daily plan like: go for walk, read my Bible/pray, write 1,500 words and/or do a deviantART journal skin design&code all for the morning. Midday-afternoon would be internet time (facebook, twitter, deviantART, etc.) and late afternoon-evening would be WoW. I could work with that. Getting into a routine is good for creativity. Ask any writer and they'll tell you.
          So what's happened in the past month? End of classes, finals and two weeks of open time. It would take a while to cover everything in detail. I loved the end of classes. Thursday night we have a movie night (Kingdom of Heaven and Dark Knight, I think) before we all go to IHOP at midnight and feast on pancakes, omelets, and chicken strips. There were about 18 people that made it. Friday night we get together again to watch Startgate Universe and dance in the rain. Two amazing nights.
          All weekend I work on my last Organic Spectroscopy assignment. I sat under my lofted bed with the blinds open. My roommates must have thought I was crazy sitting under there, singing to the music on my mp3 player and interpreting spectra. Monday was Organic Spectroscopy; I felt pretty good about that test. I filled the afternoon and evening working on my study guides for Tuesday's Organic Chemistry test. Looking back, I should have made one for the first test. It would have cut down the time I'd spent making those study guides. I did okay on that final. It was enough to get out with a B (okay a B is pretty awesome considering the past few semesters). It's clear I missed some of the details but I really feel I walked away from that course with a good grasp of the fundamental concepts. Tuesday afternoon Desireé stuck with me, trying to help me study and work on lab reports for physics. She saw me run the gamut of emotions in a very compact space of time. I refuse to complain about it all, though. I put myself in that position.
          Wednesday was physics. It was a truly humbling experience to put it mildly. I'll leave it at that. I spent that afternoon and evening working on my field experience reflection and going over the material for Classroom Management (not comprehensive). The CM test was the best I think. I tore through that test in two hours. Oh wait. lol. It was nice though, everyone was calm and/or cheerful at the test; total contrast to the stress and gloom of the others. I even gave out my gum to nearly everyone in the room (new pack). I answered all the questions well, and even used my cowboy friend as inspiration for an unmotivated student (and what I would do to motivate him).
          Friday I helped a few friends move out, spent some time "being nomads and having a jam session" in Dustin's car with Haley (S, that is), had dinner at Old Chicago and a movie night. Or maybe we just watched Stargate and played that Smash Bros.? I don't remember, it was all good though. :D Ever since I've been taking it easy, not really doing much but trying to get out of the apartment and into fresh air at least once a day.
          I spent a few days in Fayetteville with David and Katie. I arrived in high spirits and finally found a way to have ethanol without suffering: get a very low proof mixed drink of a restaurant chain and drink very slowly (I won't get buzzed but that's never my goal). I think it was a kind of lemonade. Though...I still prefer water, Sierra Mist/Sprite or better yet, root beer. Anyway, at some point we get a hair dye kit and dye my hair a richer, warmer color but it wasn't lighter. I eventually bought another dye kit with a much lighter shade but I don't know anything about dying hair. I play WoW and get excited over carboxylic acid derivatives. I'm rather ambiguous when it comes to being a girly girl, a borderline tomboy, and a softcore nerd/geek; I'm a bit of everything but don't fall into neat categories.
          Anyway, we saw Iron Man 2. I got all excited when Stark discovered a new element. I gasped in such a way that Katie asked me if I was getting a little too excited. (lmao) What can I say? I like science and I especially love chemistry. We ate at this place called Super Chicken at one point. It was really good but there was a tornado warning in the county and Katie was getting kind of nervous about it. Nothing happened where we were, though; so it's all good. I also got a new dress (all three words a separate links :D). It's officially my favorite summer dress. Well...yeah, it is. It's cotton, it's comfortable and I feel good in it. (That's all that matters ladies, don't worry about what others say!)
          We tried to go to the Botanical Garden of the Ozarks but David wasn't down for the $5 entry fee (lol). It was a rather depressing several days, truth be told. Being cut off my spiritual family and facing my shortcomings (I probably needed the humbling experience) really dragged me down. Sleeping on the floor didn't help, I bet. Two mats on the floor is okay for one night but any longer starts to get painful. It would have been worse with the air mattress, they lose pressure to easily and I need it to be firm. Before coming back to Conway, I saw How to Train Your Dragon with David. It was cute. Nice graphics, I even liked how the main character acted like a scientist and observed the dragons instead of trying to kill them. Not a deep movie by any means but a nice family movie nonetheless.
          What else...? Oh! I took my buddy Trevor to LDMA (a martial arts school) a couple times this month. He seems to really like it there. I went there for a couple years while I was going to junior college (before I transferred to UCA). It was kind of silly to expect that I could just jump right back in to those hardcore workouts and do well after three years of being gone and probably not hydrated enough for the day.
          Trying to get back into WoW but it just doesn't appeal to me like it used to. There may be a few reasons for this, among them: real life interaction is preferable (unless you're playing it together. in the same room. then that's awesome), it feels like a chore! I have one level 80 character (Keyaru) and she's not geared well enough to do some of the better raids. (I don't expect most of you to understand that last sentence.) I'm sick of questing in Icecrown, achievements are taking a while, grinding for reputation, running randoms (random dungeons) for emblems for better gear...such a chore. All these things allow me to be kind of ADD about what I do in the game but it's so boring! I don't feel like working my alts (other characters) either. /sigh Oh well.
          I've been able to pick up deviantART journal skin requests again. Did two just today. I'm really hoping to get into my writing again, too but I'm having trouble continuing my book. I guess I just need to sit down and do it, seems it easier when I make myself do it. I'm so close to the end! I can feel it.
          Man, I really need to post more often, that way my posts won't be so long...oh, who am I kidding? They'd still be fairly long if I posted every week. Or maybe not. I don't know. That's the important stuff for now. I'll try to post something when I move into my new apartment, hopefully next week.

An interesting year

          Ah, the final stretch. We're in that final month of school in which our professors realize we only have one month of school before finals and therefore must cram as much information into the remaining lectures as possible. Well, if they've mismanaged their time they are. Of course, the snow days we had at the beginning of the school year have certainly put kinks into even the best-laid plans. :shrug: C'est la vie.
          As the editor loaded, I realized that it's been almost a year since I created this blog and made my first post. So much has happened since then. You can see how much things have changed since then. I think I can also see the cycle I go through each semester of hope and excitement to diligence to stress to more stress to dropping the ball to disappointment to resignation to eagerness for the semester to be over. Is that about how your semester goes? This time I've fought the resignation and...well, I'll explain more in a bit.
          So, since my last post (I loved all your comments), or rather my next-to-last post, a lot has happened. Sunday evening before classes started again I got together with Drew, Austin, Caleb and Ian and we all prayed for the coming weeks. That we would all maintain focus, do what we needed to do and trust God to take of care everything. In the time since then, I've just had so much joy and love and my heart. It's almost as if God was preparing me for the stresses that I would encounter.
          I get back to school and my scheduling problems were worked out by the end of the day, I got that extra credit hour I needed for my preferred schedule. Wednesday I talked to my adviser. That evening I registered for all my classes. Thursday morning that extra credit hour was added to my schedule as well. What is that final credit hour? Well, I was offered an amazing opportunity and I seized it immediately. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. Well, it's rather humble lab work but it's right up my chemistry education alley. I'm hopeful that future chemistry students at UCA will benefit from said humble lab work. I also hope to learn a few things about choosing and altering labs for when I teach. Pondering on the implications of this little yet significant event, I'm amazed at God's planning. I see these events, some discouraging, many hopeful, and all seemingly disconnected until you see them culminate in this. It's so beautiful.
          This semester as a whole has been amazing. I'm learning things I realized I needed to learn and being used in ways I couldn't have fathomed. I've really been encouraged lately to learn that God is showing through. All I see in myself are my problems that need working on but I've been consistently told good things about myself. I almost can't believe it. Me? I'm a mess, so broken. Any good seen in me must come from God. There's no other explanation. It's so cool but I really feel I don't deserve any of it. That's another really beautiful thing.

Learning what I need to learn
          Last semester, you may remember I took a teaching methods and materials class. At the end I taught a real lesson in a 9th grade physical science class. I got a lot of positive feedback in terms of how I did the lesson but areas I needed to improve in all boiled down to classroom management. I'm taking classroom management now and I think it's pretty cool that I'm in the one class I needed to work on that area of teaching.
          Throughout this semester I've learned that I'm not very confident in my laboratory skills (specifically in chemistry). Granted, I've been right about a few things (like NMR tubes are not a recommended substitute for glass stirring rods) but my poor lab partner seems to be doing the lion's share of the work. So how's next semester looking? Well, three credit hours of the twelve I'm taking are labs. Every credit hour of lab equals about three hours actually spent in lab. I'll be spending six hours in quant lab (working alone, as my current lab partner in organic tells me) as well as the one credit hour of research. That's just the hands on. I plan on being a TA for two labs (I love being a TA), probably one organic lab (usually three hours) and a physiological chemistry lab (usually two hours). I earn minimum wage and those hours will pay the electric and internet bill easy. That's nice but what's really great about it is the experience. I get practice helping students in lab and reinforcing my knowledge of chemistry and lab techniques. I suppose I could also use that reference when I finally get to teaching.

On not giving up
          About the non-resignation, I was told last Friday (not yesterday) in an email from the professor that I was not doing well in Organic Spectroscopy and would likely not being able to pass. There was a test Monday (over IR and NMR spectroscopy) and he didn't think I was prepared. Therefore, I should drop the class. Granted, he was right. I was not doing the homework and I failed the first test. That's not what bothered me about this. It was the underlying message: I don't see you making it, you should just quit. That was extremely upsetting to me. Communicating that lack of faith in and low expectations of me. By the time I'd read the email, it was too late to drop that day anyway. I lost it. I cried. I tried to pull myself together for movie night: I wiped the tears away and reapplied my eye liner. I show up at the apartment where we do movie night and I realize I'm not that strong. I head out the balcony and listen to my music to calm myself down.
          No such luck. I realize Drew is trying to talk to me so I go back inside since I can't ignore him. He and Caleb see me all teary and I lose it again. I just cry. It's gotta be some kind of breakdown at this point. They talk me down and encourage me, telling me there might be a chance to fix it; talk to the professor to see if there's anything I can do, etc. I calm down, deciding not to quit though not entirely sure what to do. The next day I look at the syllabus to estimate my current grade in the class and determine if there is hope. I figure if I do really well on Monday's test, the final, and turn in all my homework between now and then, I can get out of the class with the minimum grade for credit. A long shot, but I'm hopeful. Sunday after church, I try working practice problems online but I don't really get anywhere. So I break out the text book and start working the problems at the end of the chapters I was going to be tested on. I was able to answer most of them but I was still a bit unsure. I think I spent about four or five hours on those problems before I go to bed.
          Monday, I go into the test not entirely sure how it's going to go. I'm relieved to be given a couple sheets of standard shifts (one for IR peaks and another for proton and carbon-13 NMR, trust me when I say they're really helpful). I glance through the test and the last part are all problems from the book I had worked on Sunday! I had to stifle my joy, otherwise I might have squealed. I work through the test, hoping I got most of it right. I finish the test and hand it in, whispering that I am hopeful. I also noticed that I was the first to turn in the test (not that it's a race). I'm feeling pretty good about it, now.
          Wednesdays I TA for my o-spec professor. I almost didn't go to work that morning because I was still a bit sore about those words, despite the test. But I did and when I came in he said something to the effect of "I must have made you mad because you did really well on that test." He expressed a hope for my improvement and reminded me to do my homework. Come time for o-spec, I get my test back and it's a 94! I nearly tackle Drew in the hallway after class. lol. I have hope...

God's plans in my life
          ...I just have to work at it. That's not anything I didn't already know. You could ask me after I screw up on something if I knew what I did wrong, I almost always tell you I know exactly what I did wrong. That's a bit frustrating thing for me: despite knowing better, I don't always do what's right or required of me. Part of my learning curve in college (this, five years in, three at UCA) is understanding myself and how to study.
          All those classes I've repeated are reminders of why I should study and also of God's hand in my life. If I'd made my own plans, I'd be almost done with school. As it stands, I'll probably need an additional four more semesters at least before I'll be done. I'm starting to see this semester that I'm exactly where I need to be. In physics, Desireé is my lab partner. Physics is a subject I find really hard to like but having lab with her makes it so enjoyable. We uplift each other and make it fun. We laugh and giggle all the way through lab. I can't imagine bearing those labs without her.
          Organic labs are great with Cris, he's such a patient lab partner. It's also nice to have Drew in the group next to ours. Lecture is that much more fun with John and Stephen. If I hadn't taken this class this semester, I'm sure I would not have been offered the amazing yet humble lab opportunity.

Friday was awesome
          One last thing to share: yesterday was awesome! I think it started Thursday night with learning about my strengths and weaknesses in various spiritual gifts as well as a long and deep conversation with a brother struggling with some things. Anyway, yesterday was indicative of God placing me exactly where I needed to be and exercising my spiritual gifts. It really underscores how my life has changed in the past year. I got up early and took the car in for maintenance (meh).
          I got a ride back to UCA courtesy of the business. The driver asked about my major, I said "Chemistry and teaching." "Why chemistry?" "Because I like it." "That's good answer." He talked about his daughter being an ag-ed teacher. We discussed school and teaching.
          On a whim (actually, God's direction) I headed over the cafeteria (it was about 8:15-8:30 by this time) and had some water. The water is not important; what is important is that my friends showed up and we all talked. After they left some other friends showed up and I talked to them. It was really great to talk about my faith, my friendships, teaching, psychology and stuff like that.
          After two hours in the cafeteria I leave. I end up in Laney and visit my favorite professor. I learn a little more about what will be expected of me in that opportunity I seized. We also had a nice chat about school, teaching and learning. It was really encouraging for us both I think. After that I go the student center and have lunch. I talk to a nice lady and her grandson (there for the geography bee) about school and learning (big shocker). The boy's mother (and the lady's daughter) was apparently a middle level science teacher. That was a cool conversation, too.
          Finally it's time for physics at noon. Desiree is in a good mood but after class, not so much. I buy her lunch and we talk for nearly an hour about life, school, and just cheer each other up. She thanks me repeatedly for the lunch (seriously it's no trouble at all, :D). The afternoon winds down with a little (much needed) shopping before I head to movie night (a blast as always). That was my Friday and it was awesome.

          If you've read this far, wow. It's a lot. Thanks for reading. I really do love you guys; you're all so amazing. I thank God every day for you as friends and mentors, sharing and caring and giving. Life is good.

Impressions

[Have you ever been going about your business and all of a sudden there's this explosion and you're left dazed, wondering what happened? It was like that. After an earthquake, it's best to get away from the rubble and gas leaks before an aftershock strikes.] Anyway, I have something more interesting to talk about anyway, school!
          So the first couple of days were great. I spend Wednesday writing notes for organic from the powerpoint the instructor. Oh thank God for internet and blackboard! Thursday was the start of classes. I got up early and met with a professor before class to talk about my job (going to be a TA for a couple of his labs this semester). The meeting was only about 10 minutes so I was half an hour early for my first class of the day (organic). I was pleased to learn there are about four people in that class I know. I immediately noticed a problem though, sitting next to one of my buddies has made me more talkative (it's related to the class but still not needed). I don't want to be a disruption in the class, otherwise I'll get on the instructor's bad side (do not want!). I actually like this instructor, he's energetic and clearly loves what he's doing. He checks often for understanding and as a result (at least in my opinion) his class moves along faster than the others. We usually end up a chapter ahead of them.
          My next class was (I want to say learning and development) classroom management. This is another good instructor. He taught junior high english for a few years. I had learning and development with him last spring and it was a great class. This will be 4000 (senior) level course but I'm not too worried about it. He doesn't make it too hard to make a B or even an A but we still learn a lot and are challenged throughout the course.
          There was an amusing moment in that class. We did an exercise where we had to walk around the room and talk at the same time; choosing three things to say about ourselves from a short, fun questionnaire we were given. The guy who went before me decided to go with the "I think ______ is overrated." line as of his three things. He chose science. I was going to say "I have never been [skydiving] but want to some day." but a few others had chosen that as well. Instead I went with the subject area and grade level(s): chemistry, 11th-12th grades because [blah blah blah]. We all had a good laugh. I really need to talk to that guy and help set him straight on his science literacy. Scientists are not full of themselves, thinking they know it all. We're not like that. Granted, we know more than you (lol) but we're fully aware that there's so much more to discover and that what we think we know and understand could be turned on its head with the next publication.
          Moving on: university physics I (again). This time is a different instructor. I actually had him for Descriptive Astronomy last year. I really liked that class; I learned a lot about celestial objects and what we know about our universe. It was easy, but then again it only required algebra, not calculus. His style is a bit different from the instructor I had last semester but I think I like it. The class is small, we only have 1 lab and about 30 people. He didn't use a powerpoint presentation for the first session but he didn't really need one. Now lab reports are a bit different, he doesn't want them written quite the same way as we did with the other professor. It's simpler but seems to convey just as much information. I like that. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm saying...
          The only class I haven't been to yet is Organic Spectroscopy. It's taught by the same professor whose labs I'm working.
          Okay, well I've avoided productive work long enough. Need to catch up on being ahead. If I finish early enough, I might play some World of Warcraft. :P

Why the name, an introduction, and to new beginnings

Why "Of Rain and Orchids"
          It's raining outside; of course. I love my new orchid. I love orchids. Roses are pretty and carnations are nice but orchids are truly things of beauty. Exotic in shape and color, I'm just drawn to them. Hence the title. I made a header for this blog but until the creator of the stock I used okays it, it can only be seen in my deviantART gallery (see right).

An Introduction
          There are those of who you know my real name; to those of you who do not you may call me Michelle. My general online alias is Koneko Decaelum. Koneko is Japanese for kitten. Decaelum is Latin and means "of heaven". I am also on Facebook and deviantART (I highly encourage you check out my page and gallery).
          I am a junior in college and this is my fourth year of school. I have an associate of arts from a junior college not too far from where I now attend. I was originally a psychology major. Upon transferring I changed it to Chemistry and Secondary Physical/Earth Science Education. I hope to teach high school chemistry.
          If nothing else, I strive to live in truth and love. If you live by those two simple principles you may yet live a long and happy life without regrets. 1 John is my favorite book of the Bible and speaks to me and my nature.

To New Beginnings
          Finals are coming; they're next week in fact. It's a great relief to think the semester about over but I'm a little sad, too. I've made some wonderful friends this semester and grown closer to the ones I've had. I've met two wonderful young men. One I dated and other I should have (I may discuss this later). I've learned many new things and others I have been reminded of. There are things I wonder if I'll ever learn. I will face the coming week with hope and determination. Then I pack and retreat home for a few weeks before I must return for summer class.