Rational Mercy

Now as we have many parts in one body, and all the parts do not have the same function, in the same way we who are many are one body in Christ and individually members of one another. According to the grace given to us, we have different gifts: If...showing mercy, with cheerfulness.
Romans 12:4-6,8

          I was filling out an application for a program when I came to a question that asked what I thought my spiritual gifts are and how I've used them. The first thing I thought of was mercy. A few years ago, I was told that was my gifting (or at least one of my gifts). When I was first told, I was unsure but after some thought, it made sense. Over the years, I've seen how people expect mercy to be expressed compared to how I actually showed mercy. Others' expectations seemed somewhat contradictory to my nature. Many people I've talked to describe an example of showing mercy as crying with someone who's got cancer. I don't openly express emotion most of the time and I'm uncomfortable with others' display of emotion, especially strong ones. I'm fairly rational and readily offer advice or solutions. So how does that work?

What is mercy?
          Let's define mercy. Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines mercy (in part) as "kind or forgiving treatment of someone who could be treated harshly" or "kindness or help given to people who are in a very bad or desperate situation". What does it mean to be kind? Back to the dictionary: kind "of a sympathetic or helpful nature", "of a forbearing nature: gentle," "arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance". Ooo, forbearance, I like that word: "the quality of someone who is patient and able to deal with a difficult person or situation without becoming angry". Mercy is often grouped with compassion (a feeling of wanting to help someone) and empathy (understanding and sharing their experience/emotions), both of which I tend to experience for those I show mercy to. All that can involve crying with someone but it doesn't have to. How do I rationally perform this?

Showing mercy
          First: I'm not always rational. I'm not a robot. I have emotions. Most of the time, I'm merely calm and content. Every once in a while, circumstances results in a push from my calm equilibrium. I get anxious, sad or angry. Sometimes even hyper or manic moods make me feel off-balance. In those times, I'm not rational. I can't focus and make good decisions. That's when I need someone to remind me of what I already know or teach me something new to respond to the situation. Then I can re-center and regain equilibrium. That is something I can do for others. A lot of things may differentiate me from other people but everything I have experienced is similar to what someone else has experienced or will experience.
          This is how I'm able to show mercy. I have empathy for someone; I have been where they are, struggling with the same emotions. I have compassion; I want to help. Finally, I give mercy. I show kindness by loving someone and patiently helping them with their problem. I tell them what helped me when I was there. I tell them what they can do about the situation. I point them back to scripture (2 Tim 3:16, Ps 119: yes, all of it) and the rational truth (Romans 12:2, 1 Pet 5:8-9, Phil 4:4-9) to combat emotional lies (Jer 17:9) we allow ourselves to believe. I remind them to focus on God (Psalm 37:4, Matt 6:33) because most often, that's what they need. I see a need and I meet it.
          The Parable of the Good Samaritan is a classic example. It was a study on this story in church that made me realize that's how I need to show mercy and how I have shown it. The Samaritan in the story may or may not have been waylaid and left for dead by robbers but he did see victim's need and meet it. Crying with the seriously injured man and saying, "I'm so sorry this happened to you but don't worry; it'll be okay." wouldn't have helped him. He needed medical attention and that's what he got. He needed longer term care and time to recuperate; the Samaritan ensured that on his own dime.
          A little aside: In the social and historical context, it's a huge thing for a Samaritan to help a Jew like that. It's almost like...a Westboro member getting that kind help from a gay atheist. That kind of mercy is radical. It can change lives. That's the sort of life Jesus demonstrated and called us to live as well: a life motivated by love.

     Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
     Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9

     Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so through Christ our comfort also overflows. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation. If we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is experienced in your endurance of the same sufferings that we suffer.
2 Corinthians 1:3-6

Do I regret becoming a Christian?

          "Well I just don't want you to wake up one day and regret it," my brother finally said.
          I insisted that would never happen but he scoffed. I was trying to explain how God had changed my life but I felt I wasn't doing a very good job of it. I stared out at the window as he drove, briefly pondering the creeping green tide of kudzu slowly engulfing the Mississippi countryside. I silently prayed for the right words but none came. I shifted subjects. There was no point in continuing. I was merely arguing.
          In the weeks since that conversation, I've thought about it off and on. I don't regret my decision to follow Christ. In my case, it was a clear yet gentle invitation and undramatic acceptance. It just made sense to me. It was followed, a few months later, with a firm and inspiring, "Do this on purpose." So I did. I haven't looked back since. No matter the struggles or dry spells, the times I'd wondered, "Have I really changed?" I had assurance in my choice and in God's never letting me go.
          Why? All I have to do is dig out one of my notebooks from the past four or so years and see the difference. I can see the person I used to be, full of anger and hatred for the world and all that was in it. (Except my cat, but he made me sneeze.) I was directionless, lonely, and anxious. I'm amazed I had any friends. I can read the lessons I've learned, the blessings I've received, the love I'm continually growing in. Whenever I doubt, I can remember what God has done in and through my life. How many times did He tell Israel: "Remember when I rescued you and made you mine."? He has never let me down; despite all my failures and imperfections, I've never been alone. He takes care of His own.
          Sometimes I wonder if my brother sees my "getting super religious" and becoming Christian means a boat load of rules and regulations; that I miss out on all the fun and live a "safe," sheltered life. But I don't feel I've missed out. What have I missed? I'm happy to have "missed out" on hangovers, losing all I am and have to drugs, post-hook up blues, pregnancy and STD scares, or the constant, anxious struggle to keep up with the Joneses.
          My life is so much more. I've been stretched and challenged to live with reckless faith. For God, I do things I would never have dreamed I could do, much less, wanted to do and become someone I never thought I could be. Do I regret it? No. My only regrets are the times I didn't trust God, to wait or act exactly as He told me when He told me the first time.
          If this is turns out to be the greatest farce in all of history, it will be sad, yes, but I won't regret a moment. God called me to be His agent in this world and build His kingdom on earth, on based on truth and love. All I have to do is love others and show them kindness even when I'm hated and hurt, be an eager and humble servant no matter my position or "due", have a grateful attitude in all situations even when it seems there's nothing to be thankful for, not worrying about anything but trusting to only concern myself with my part to play. What is there to regret?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Timothy 4:7

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
Philippians 3:12

21 things about Gulf Shores and other stuff

          I try to write succinctly but I want to recount everything. I've had better luck with lists so here goes:

1. Anthem of the week #1 "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders/Let me walk upon the waters/Wherever You would call me//Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander/And my faith will be made stronger/In the presence of my Saviour"
   
2. Anthem #2 "Here's my heart Lord/Speak what is true".
   
3. Extra-strength Febreeze gets campfire smell out of your clothes like no one's business.
4. I didn't make leadership team I'm perfectly at peace with that.
5. That is to say: I tried being servant-leader for a year and learned I'm more of a servant than a leader.
6. I most certainly am a servant and eager follower with a gift for being merciful with all cheerfulness.
7. I'm apparently far more outgoing than I used to be. I blame God. and Super Summer.
8. I'm becoming better at expressing love through touch. I've rested my head on a lot of my new friend's shoulders this week.
9. In making friends and sharing the Gospel: being genuine and open are the most effective means of making connections with people.
10. You can dance with the ocean.
11. If you're true to your heart and let it win, you're gonna have a bad time.
12. I experienced heartache at seeing a mind clouded and heart hardened against God and His truth.
13. I'd take that pain over some guy not being interested in me any day.
14. My heart is like an unruly child; it's the most immature part of me. I need to accept that it is a part of me and train it up. Maybe then I'll be holy and wholly His. Or something like it.
15. Real Christians who love God and want to see His kingdom come are everywhere. More than I initially realized.
16. I'm proud to call the women I worked along-side sisters in Christ.
17. I'm even more humbled and honored that they would call me their friend.
18. I'm so encouraged by the brothers in Christ who were there also. We need more like you.
19. I've found further evidence that there is a man out there who meets my ridiculous standards because I keep finding increasingly larger clusters of my desired traits with each new Christian brother I meet.
20. ...but I'm not holding my breath waiting for him. God's doing His thing and I'm doing, well, His thing, too.
21. It's least I can do and all I really should do.

A few thoughts on Biblical leadership

          I don't really consider myself a leader but today I found myself turning in my application to be on the BCM's leadership team again next year. Still, I just don't see it. This is the despite the fact that I was co-guild leader back in my WoW days, led a family group at Super Summer last year and have been co-leader of the missions team (and so on the BCM leadership team) this past school year. Oh, and I'm studying high school science education. What's up with that?
          The truth is, it's not about me. It's about God and God's people. Just about everyone in the Bible God called on to serve Him were not qualified by the world's standards. They were cowards (like Gideon), from lowly professions (David was a shepherd boy, Rahab was a prostitute) or handicapped (Abraham and Sarah were too old to have children, Moses might have been a stutterer). Much of the time, even they questioned God, "You want to use ME? Do you know who you're asking? I can't do that."
          Yet they did. When they stepped back from seeing their own shortcomings and failures and trusted in God to work, God came through! He did things with and through them that we still marvel at centuries later. A quote I've heard often is: "God doesn't call the equipped but equips the called."
          I've seen this in my own life. At Passion this year, I realized that I feared my problems were too big for God to work out or through. I wanted to let Him do amazing things with and through me but I was so worried I would get in the way and screw it up. All it takes a little reflection, though, to see how God has worked out and through my problems. That's sanctification. There will always an area in which we can grow more like Christ. It's not a bad thing at all. We'll never stop becoming more like Christ yet somehow more like who we were meant to be and I find that amazing.

          So what does it take to be a leader for God? Faith and obedience. Faith is why you trusted in Him in the first place; it's what will help you obey. Sometimes we're told to wait, other times to act. If we just do as He says, He does the rest. He planned for it way in advance!
          Fall of 2011 (see 3rd paragraph), I was itching to act on my faith but I didn't know what. Then Dustin Sams comes to the BCM worship and preaches out of James, faith results in works. He plugs staffing Super Summer and I applied. I'm a sedentary introvert. Why would I go to a camp hosting 2,800 teens, screaming, yelling, dancing and acting like a fool to get them pumped up? I was really anxious right on through the staff training in the days before the camp. But then something happened, I had a break down. It was during the second day of training and prep. I welcomed it. I was crying in the bathroom calling on God to work out of me what needed working out. People kept asking me what was wrong and trying to encourage me. I told them to let it be, it needed to happen.
          For the rest of the camp, I was fine. I was exhausted, losing my voice but I was still cheering, singing and dancing. I was an encouragement to the campers and fellow staffers. I got to know and love my girls, all 24 of them (12 each for the junior and senior camps). Guess what? At the end of the camp, I was crying again. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and it was over. Another staffer at breakfast the next day actually asked me if I was okay because I was so quiet. I had to explain: nothing's wrong, this is the normal me.
          In applying to staff, I was scared out of my wits but I knew God wanted me to do it. I knew I needed a challenge. Even now, I'm still daunted by what I'm being called to, and by the growth I desire and have asked for. Yet, when I've trusted in God and done as He asked, I've experienced amazing things. After faith and obedience, all I really need to be a leader is a love for and desire to serve others. In the end, we're not leaders to lord over subjects and make them do our bidding, we're servants working to build up and equip fellow believers to do and be what God desires (Ephesians 4:11-13). I have that. I can do that. So I will.

Ephesians 3:16-21 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Recent Reveries: A Year(ish) In Review

          So much going on in my head! Allow me to dump it out and attempt to share it in an organized fashion. 'Tis the season to reflect, right? Oh, who am I kidding? Do it all the time! Scroll to the bottom for a tl;dr.

Moving and writing
          It's just crazy to think how ten years (and a few months) ago, on my birthday, my family left Oklahoma for Arkansas. I was angry. They took me from everything I'd known and loved for the past six years. I told my parents I would never forgive them. I now know it's one of the best things to happen to me. I was thrown into a deep depression but I was already headed there. Due to the move, I was able to get help.
          I also threw myself into my writing. Pages and pages poured out. It wasn't that good but it was the only place I pour out all my pain and upset. I had no real reason to be depressed, I'd thought, but my characters would. I and the story grew together for many years. As I came out of the darkness and found real joy, the story fell by the wayside. Though never quite forgotten, I felt I had to be in a rather dark place to indulge the thoughts needed to write it.
          Yet, in the past few weeks I'm finding myself talking to the main character again and dreaming of her travels. I see her in a new light. She was always herself but I understand her and her world better now. I'm finding the need to tweak plot details, develop characters in ways I'd never thought of before, excavate themes I didn't realize were buried under it all. Watching the new Hobbit movie (twice!), reading the Chronicles of Narnia (and a handful of other books, fiction and nonfiction), reading about writing, feminism, Christianity, education, psychology, science, and symbolism in movies and books all feeds into this resurrected tale. Yeah, woah.
          I realize now that it will take years to craft the tale to my liking, much less to an editor's. It could be a decade or more, studying the cultural inspirations and psychology of the characters. I'm oddly excited about it. It's like my Sistine Chapel ceiling, it won't be comfortable or easy but it will be worth it. I hope.
          OH! And let me mention the other stories in my head I wish to write: a comic-book like story set mostly in my now beloved Arkansas and a not-too-distant future, a different kind of Little Mermaid story, an anti-undead story in which the few living are rebels in a dead and dying world. Good times. They may not ever see the light of day.

The thing I hated to love talking about
          Love and marriage. I can never quite escape it in my mind, can I? I put much of the blame squarely on God. In the past 18 months I've gone from nearly swearing it off and all but romantic relationships to a healthier acceptance of the fact, you know, I just might get married someday and it might even be kind of amazing. Still, I realize the greatest hindrance is my fear of being hurt.
          It's something I could only have seen in retrospect. My crush-turned-I-think-I'm-going-to-marry-him crazy phase broke me of being so against relationships (among other things). I was afraid to believe the notion that entered my head. It made it easier to let it go in the end. Then I had another (admittedly shallow) crush with someone who did everything right but was very wrong for me. It would have been okay, my crush would have passed as a temporary, suppressed annoyance but then he connected the dots from facebook and returned my interest. /sigh It took months for me not to smile like a fool when we conversed.
          Spring Kaleo conference, joining BCM leadership and especially Super Summer made me realize there are a lot of amazing, Godly, Christ-seeking men out there. From that one crazy crush to now, I realized the kind of man I want, that I need (as far as God has shown me to need and desire) can and probably does exist. I'm also really, really honored to call such men my brothers in Christ. It made me appreciate the Godly men in my life, not just the cute, young guys that happen to be single (they're so much more than that) but also the husbands, fathers, mentors and church leaders. It blows my mind. I trust them. Considering I greatly distrust (and even fear) most men, this is a big deal.
          That doesn't mean I have crush on every single one of the "available" young men among my acquaintances. Yes, several of them are attractive. That's nice. I have a passing interest in a few, but no infatuations. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. The kind of man I want and need has to decide he wants me and chase me. I've decided this. I refuse to chase boys. There are too many variables, like: who would I chase? No. I'm open to a relationship but not actively seeking it. I've better things to do with my time and energy like doing science, reading, maybe writing but most importantly doing what God wants me to do.

But what does God want me to do?
          It's a lifelong quest, divining His will. I'll surely be asking this in six months, six years, and at sixty years old. What am I doing? I'm going to school to be a science teacher to students facing adulthood. I used to think teaching is exactly what I would do and I would stay in Arkansas for the rest of my life (if I could help it). BUT...that one crazy crush. Suddenly, I was open to living abroad and maybe not even teaching or doing science. I'm working on an ESL endorsement, now, though. I'm excited for the possibilities it could open up.
          I no longer have a vision for what my future may hold. There are too many probable paths, I can't see myself following any one in particular. All I know is I can trust His lead.

Finally, as year dies, let me speak of death
          I don't mean to be morbid but life is too fragile and short to live as if I'm immortal and invincible. This is the legacy of my depression and a friend who many feel died far too young. I've already decided, Acts 20:32 must be the first thing said at my memorial/funeral:

And now I entrust you to God and the message of his grace that is able to build you up and give you an inheritance with all those he has set apart for himself. (NLT)

I'm sure that among you there is someone who can unpack that verse and apply it to the context of my memorial. If the organizers can throw in Switchfoot's "Souvenirs" (kind of cliche sounding) and/or "Where I Belong", that'd be cool.
          So, how will I be remembered? What words would I leave to those I love? I would tell them, tell you:

I have loved you with a love I didn't know could be had, that I couldn't contain. I hope you experienced the merest taste of it. What follows is a memorial of my life; a eulogy. "Good words." I certainly hope they are. Now, remember well my example and live how you want to be remembered. Life is too short and fragile to live otherwise.

I want to remembered for sharing God's radical love and being Christ to the world. I wasn't perfect and though I feel I rarely got it right, I always dug in my will and tried again, I kept going. I always sought to be true to myself and to God. Remember me thus.

TL;DR
          I thank my parents for moving us all to Arkansas; it was a major (good) step to what I am today. I may start writing again. I'm finally okay with the idea of marriage. Future is unknown but I trust God. I'm just trying to live my life how I want to be remembered; I hope you will, too.

Summer going, going...almost gone

          I'm always startled to notice how quickly time passes. You think I'd be used to it by now. Time is a strange entity, though. So many memories feel simultaneously like yesterday and a lifetime ago. Talking with a friend yesterday [wait, yesterday? yeah], she expressed the same perception of time. Days run together, a month is more like a fortnight. Even now, I realized I spent a good four to six hours updating the design on my blog. Websites are too finicky about their image sizes. :/
          So what has happened in the past....six weeks? [cue more time shock] God pointed out Cris's boldness in sharing his faith with others; a boldness born out of love. Only then, did my mind finally rest on that issue. A couple days later, I stumbled onto another person's life. Somehow, I'm being a light in it. Another thing with God written all over it. I can only hope it continues to be Him and not me.
          My time as Guild Master of Hieratic is coming to a close. It was fun but I'll be glad to hand it off to another Commander come Sunday. I've never really considered myself a leader but here I am, herding cats across the internet. Those cats are the reason I keep coming back to WoW. I don't care about the game half as much as I do them. Sure, I like the quests & lore, hanging out in a fantasy world, imagining an epic tale revolving around my character...but if the game ended tomorrow I'd only really miss my friends.
          Speaking of games, I've gotten more into gaming-themed channels. I've been a fan of TotalBiscuit (aka the Cynical Brit, TotalHalibut on Youtube) for several months now. More recently I've followed Jesse Cox (OMFGCata on youtube). Through him, I've started keeping up with Aevynne, Chiib (Iamchiib on Youtube) on Chiib's sister Trish (WoWAcai). I'm really enjoying the content they put out. It's entertaining for so many reasons. It kind of takes me back to when my brother and I were younger. I used to watch him play video games more than I played them. He was always better than me, anyway. lol. It's also nice to see the co-operative play. I can't quite figure out why, maybe it's fun to see friends playing together and laughing about how badly they're doing. Who knows?

          Class was fun. I usually like my education classes. I took "Content Literacy Development" for the first summer session. I learned a lot about teaching reading and comprehension. There were so many useful strategies I can use. The class got me reading again. I had to read Speak for the class; a wonderful piece of young adult literature. On my own, I read Napoleon's Buttons and The Disappearing Spoon (which I'm still reading).
          As usual, I was TA for a chemistry lab. This time it was physiological chemistry 2, now called "Introduction to Organic and Biochemistry". Dr. Isom was a cool professor to work with. I'm assisting for the same class for the second summer session but with Dr. Yarberry. She writes so neatly on the board. I'm a little envious, to be honest.

          One last thing, my roommate is moving out. We didn't have a fight or anything like that. It was just time. God had a hand in it (naturally). That leaves me needing a roommate, however. I'm trusting that God will work it out. Either I'll get a roommate, another place will open up or I actually make enough from being a TA to keep the financial burden down for my parents. I suppose we'll see. :)

          I just realized I haven't eaten in about eight or nine hours, lol. Time and time again, you foil me, Time. Here's to hoping I spend it wisely.

Memories and mulling

          Of all the endings that have occurred in past several weeks, the most sudden and jarring was the end of my friend's life. Cris was a good friend of mine and a brother in Christ. It's weird realizing that I'll not see him again in this life. I'm also confounded by how I'm grieving. I don't really feel as if I am. Sure, I've shed a few tears but no great sobs, constant sniffles or hours of being inconsolable. I'm just not as emotional as some. I try to focus on going about my days like I have been. I get up, go to class, go to lab, do homework, play WoW, go to church and hang out with friends. Distraction makes it easier.
          Then there are times I find myself processing, reliving memories that have faded all too quickly. I have to dig them up, like carrots, and wash the dirt off before I can see them clearly. I often forget where I plant them, it seems. That's frustrating. However, I found a few choice carrots and slowly I brush off the dirt, finding little nuances I'd forgotten.

BeachReach '09
          BeachReach is a lot of things (like a spring break mission trip involving pancakes, sand and reaching the drunken masses of students), for me it was a spiritual honeymoon. Days before I joined other volunteers from the baptist collegiate ministry (BCM) I was involved with at the time on this venture, I made a leap of faith and decided to trust God with my life. Cris was one of the others that went. I didn't really know him until we went on this mission trip. Over that week, we talked and got to know each other better. I was impressed at how diligently he worked, his focus, and his humor. Talking over pancakes, burying himself in the sand, hearing of how well he managed with the call center and getting attacked by his roommates with pillows, the random silliness on the ride back... I was so impressed that I developed an infatuation with him. Looking back, I still ask, "What's not to like? To love?" but I was already dating someone and clearly God had other plans.

Organic Chemistry 2
          The following spring, we were lab partners in a chemistry class. I already love chemistry and labs, the professor is one of my favorites but Cris made that lab so much more enjoyable. I don't know how he put up with me, I often told him he was doing it wrong and did very little work (well, it seems like it looking back) One lab, we didn't have the glass stir rod needed to mix the chemicals together. Cris, the creative problems-solver, decided that an NMR tube was a great alternative. I expressed my hesitation at using it but he insisted it would be fine.

Glass stir rods are cheap and plentiful in most chemical labs.	NMR tubes are less common and far more expensive. That's all that matters to the story.

          The professor walks over and freaks out a little (maybe more than a little) at our using an NMR tube and locates glass stirring rod for us. Naturally, I pointed out that I thought it was a bad idea. It goes without saying I should have gotten a glass stir rod myself. We could have avoided the chiding. We all laughed about it in recent months.
          Another lab probably half way through the semester, Cris expressed surprised at me smiling. I remember asking, "In the past year we've been friends you haven't seen me smile once?" "Nope," he said. I've laughed. Well yes, but not smiled. I'm sure I have and for some reason he never saw, I guess. I can assure you he saw plenty more since then.
          At the end of that semester, I got out early out of a really rough physics test and decided to go watch his group's presentation on a project they'd worked on in another class. I remember coming in when he was getting grilled with questions by our organic chem professor. Cris had been asked to draw the mechanism of a reaction. I saw where he missed an atom coming off (or coming in) and thought "Oh, oh, it's right there, get it!" and silently cheered (in my head) when he got it. I was so proud. After the presentation, he thanked me for showing up, especially since I had a test. (I was going to fail that class anyway, haha).

And time passed
          I'm sorry I didn't keep in regular contact with him the past few months. He was a teaching assistant for one of my labs (the same one that he did a presentation on) but I was more worried about getting the lab done and done right that catching up with him. We ran into each other in the halls of the chemistry building now and then as well as in my few visits to the BCM. We even attended the same conference in October. I remember staying late one day after a lab and talking with Cris and Dr. Mauldin about chemistry and teaching, what we'd learned and our hopes for the future. We can make all the plans we want but sometimes, God says nope, come on home.
          I can't imagine how some of you are feeling; how you're dealing with it. I rest on the simple fact that Cris was a Christian. The proof of his relationship with God was in how he lived his life. I won't ever see him again in this life but I know I'll see him in the next.

Brooding Walls
          Today was not a bad day by any means but it wasn't great either. I feel a bit melancholy. I'm inclined to blame biology: poor sleep habits and other fun stuff probably wrecking into my peace. Well, maybe it's more than biology...We were talking in church tonight about spiritual warfare (reading Corinthians 10:3-6) and one thing that came up was tearing down walls. We need to be open with each other and share our struggles so that we can build each other up and strengthen the Body of Christ (not continue to wallow in our dysfunctionality). We talked about ways to tear the walls down and prevent them from building up in the first place.
          All this didn't really sink in until the ride home when I'd realized a few walls of my own had gone up. Every day I didn't read my Bible, didn't talk meaningfully with God and allow myself to be totally led by the spirit was another brick on that wall. The mortar is apathy and the bricks that should be used to build the Kingdom are instead being added to the wall. I can kind of tell when I'm allowing my spiritual muscles to atrophy: I waste my time more, my head gets full of useless junk that muddles my thoughts and feelings, things just don't seem in line and my resilience for life's ups and downs (even the minor ones) just goes to pot. I hate it. I feel unwell (on so many levels), a little (a lot) dirty and rather unhappy (if not downright blue).
          This is the part where many Christians stumble and simply give up. That's not how it goes. If you find yourself tripping up, check where you're going, reorient towards Him and get moving again. It's that simple. Hey, I didn't say it was easy. So now that I've realized I'm stumbling on rocks (because, hey, I'm off the trail) I'm going to focus on the goal and get back on track. Everything else will fall back into place, or (at least) things that aren't falling perfectly in place won't seem like that big a deal.

Learning is awesome
          So, about school: I'm...not hating it. I'd be enjoying it more if I wasn't on a spiritual detour. Physics isn't so bad and Biochem is a lot of fun with Dr. Kelley. I've lately been of the opinion that scientists are bit a strange; chemists are crazy but biochemists are on another level. Dr. Kelley is proof this. It's entertaining and she's actually a pretty good teacher. She states often that she wants us to think on our feet. Most of my classmates are pre-med, pre-pharm, pre-something-really-hard-and-maybe-life-saving so she wants to be able to trust these people with such important things. I've decided to pay attention to how she teaches that. I'd like to pass that on to my students (just because I'm not taking an education class doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it).
          First labs are picking up this week (finally!). Monday's organic 2 lab was...interesting. Everyone was lost and even though I'd worked on this reaction for several weeks last semester it had been at least two months so I was a bit unsure when answering questions. A few of the students weren't so happy about how their reactions were going but I assured them it was all right. We make mistakes, figure out what went wrong and move on. Another simple-but-not-easy thing to do. I was very open about sharing my mishaps in lab with the students to lessen their tension and dismay when it seemed things weren't going quite right.
          On a tangent, I've realized I don't really care about being wrong anymore. This is mainly in the context of learning: answering questions in class and working on assignments, etc. When I get it wrong, that's okay! It's an opportunity to learn. Yes, indeed. Trust me, when you get it wrong and then find your way to what is correct, you've learned it better than simply getting it right the first time. So be bold and be wrong! Then learn so you'll be more awesome than you were before. Praise God! I get excited just thinking about it. lmao.

          Well, this has been cathartic. If you've read this far, I'm impressed. Thank you. I love you. Marry me. Well...don't set a date.
Bye! [enthusiastic wave]

An interesting year

          Ah, the final stretch. We're in that final month of school in which our professors realize we only have one month of school before finals and therefore must cram as much information into the remaining lectures as possible. Well, if they've mismanaged their time they are. Of course, the snow days we had at the beginning of the school year have certainly put kinks into even the best-laid plans. :shrug: C'est la vie.
          As the editor loaded, I realized that it's been almost a year since I created this blog and made my first post. So much has happened since then. You can see how much things have changed since then. I think I can also see the cycle I go through each semester of hope and excitement to diligence to stress to more stress to dropping the ball to disappointment to resignation to eagerness for the semester to be over. Is that about how your semester goes? This time I've fought the resignation and...well, I'll explain more in a bit.
          So, since my last post (I loved all your comments), or rather my next-to-last post, a lot has happened. Sunday evening before classes started again I got together with Drew, Austin, Caleb and Ian and we all prayed for the coming weeks. That we would all maintain focus, do what we needed to do and trust God to take of care everything. In the time since then, I've just had so much joy and love and my heart. It's almost as if God was preparing me for the stresses that I would encounter.
          I get back to school and my scheduling problems were worked out by the end of the day, I got that extra credit hour I needed for my preferred schedule. Wednesday I talked to my adviser. That evening I registered for all my classes. Thursday morning that extra credit hour was added to my schedule as well. What is that final credit hour? Well, I was offered an amazing opportunity and I seized it immediately. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. Well, it's rather humble lab work but it's right up my chemistry education alley. I'm hopeful that future chemistry students at UCA will benefit from said humble lab work. I also hope to learn a few things about choosing and altering labs for when I teach. Pondering on the implications of this little yet significant event, I'm amazed at God's planning. I see these events, some discouraging, many hopeful, and all seemingly disconnected until you see them culminate in this. It's so beautiful.
          This semester as a whole has been amazing. I'm learning things I realized I needed to learn and being used in ways I couldn't have fathomed. I've really been encouraged lately to learn that God is showing through. All I see in myself are my problems that need working on but I've been consistently told good things about myself. I almost can't believe it. Me? I'm a mess, so broken. Any good seen in me must come from God. There's no other explanation. It's so cool but I really feel I don't deserve any of it. That's another really beautiful thing.

Learning what I need to learn
          Last semester, you may remember I took a teaching methods and materials class. At the end I taught a real lesson in a 9th grade physical science class. I got a lot of positive feedback in terms of how I did the lesson but areas I needed to improve in all boiled down to classroom management. I'm taking classroom management now and I think it's pretty cool that I'm in the one class I needed to work on that area of teaching.
          Throughout this semester I've learned that I'm not very confident in my laboratory skills (specifically in chemistry). Granted, I've been right about a few things (like NMR tubes are not a recommended substitute for glass stirring rods) but my poor lab partner seems to be doing the lion's share of the work. So how's next semester looking? Well, three credit hours of the twelve I'm taking are labs. Every credit hour of lab equals about three hours actually spent in lab. I'll be spending six hours in quant lab (working alone, as my current lab partner in organic tells me) as well as the one credit hour of research. That's just the hands on. I plan on being a TA for two labs (I love being a TA), probably one organic lab (usually three hours) and a physiological chemistry lab (usually two hours). I earn minimum wage and those hours will pay the electric and internet bill easy. That's nice but what's really great about it is the experience. I get practice helping students in lab and reinforcing my knowledge of chemistry and lab techniques. I suppose I could also use that reference when I finally get to teaching.

On not giving up
          About the non-resignation, I was told last Friday (not yesterday) in an email from the professor that I was not doing well in Organic Spectroscopy and would likely not being able to pass. There was a test Monday (over IR and NMR spectroscopy) and he didn't think I was prepared. Therefore, I should drop the class. Granted, he was right. I was not doing the homework and I failed the first test. That's not what bothered me about this. It was the underlying message: I don't see you making it, you should just quit. That was extremely upsetting to me. Communicating that lack of faith in and low expectations of me. By the time I'd read the email, it was too late to drop that day anyway. I lost it. I cried. I tried to pull myself together for movie night: I wiped the tears away and reapplied my eye liner. I show up at the apartment where we do movie night and I realize I'm not that strong. I head out the balcony and listen to my music to calm myself down.
          No such luck. I realize Drew is trying to talk to me so I go back inside since I can't ignore him. He and Caleb see me all teary and I lose it again. I just cry. It's gotta be some kind of breakdown at this point. They talk me down and encourage me, telling me there might be a chance to fix it; talk to the professor to see if there's anything I can do, etc. I calm down, deciding not to quit though not entirely sure what to do. The next day I look at the syllabus to estimate my current grade in the class and determine if there is hope. I figure if I do really well on Monday's test, the final, and turn in all my homework between now and then, I can get out of the class with the minimum grade for credit. A long shot, but I'm hopeful. Sunday after church, I try working practice problems online but I don't really get anywhere. So I break out the text book and start working the problems at the end of the chapters I was going to be tested on. I was able to answer most of them but I was still a bit unsure. I think I spent about four or five hours on those problems before I go to bed.
          Monday, I go into the test not entirely sure how it's going to go. I'm relieved to be given a couple sheets of standard shifts (one for IR peaks and another for proton and carbon-13 NMR, trust me when I say they're really helpful). I glance through the test and the last part are all problems from the book I had worked on Sunday! I had to stifle my joy, otherwise I might have squealed. I work through the test, hoping I got most of it right. I finish the test and hand it in, whispering that I am hopeful. I also noticed that I was the first to turn in the test (not that it's a race). I'm feeling pretty good about it, now.
          Wednesdays I TA for my o-spec professor. I almost didn't go to work that morning because I was still a bit sore about those words, despite the test. But I did and when I came in he said something to the effect of "I must have made you mad because you did really well on that test." He expressed a hope for my improvement and reminded me to do my homework. Come time for o-spec, I get my test back and it's a 94! I nearly tackle Drew in the hallway after class. lol. I have hope...

God's plans in my life
          ...I just have to work at it. That's not anything I didn't already know. You could ask me after I screw up on something if I knew what I did wrong, I almost always tell you I know exactly what I did wrong. That's a bit frustrating thing for me: despite knowing better, I don't always do what's right or required of me. Part of my learning curve in college (this, five years in, three at UCA) is understanding myself and how to study.
          All those classes I've repeated are reminders of why I should study and also of God's hand in my life. If I'd made my own plans, I'd be almost done with school. As it stands, I'll probably need an additional four more semesters at least before I'll be done. I'm starting to see this semester that I'm exactly where I need to be. In physics, Desireé is my lab partner. Physics is a subject I find really hard to like but having lab with her makes it so enjoyable. We uplift each other and make it fun. We laugh and giggle all the way through lab. I can't imagine bearing those labs without her.
          Organic labs are great with Cris, he's such a patient lab partner. It's also nice to have Drew in the group next to ours. Lecture is that much more fun with John and Stephen. If I hadn't taken this class this semester, I'm sure I would not have been offered the amazing yet humble lab opportunity.

Friday was awesome
          One last thing to share: yesterday was awesome! I think it started Thursday night with learning about my strengths and weaknesses in various spiritual gifts as well as a long and deep conversation with a brother struggling with some things. Anyway, yesterday was indicative of God placing me exactly where I needed to be and exercising my spiritual gifts. It really underscores how my life has changed in the past year. I got up early and took the car in for maintenance (meh).
          I got a ride back to UCA courtesy of the business. The driver asked about my major, I said "Chemistry and teaching." "Why chemistry?" "Because I like it." "That's good answer." He talked about his daughter being an ag-ed teacher. We discussed school and teaching.
          On a whim (actually, God's direction) I headed over the cafeteria (it was about 8:15-8:30 by this time) and had some water. The water is not important; what is important is that my friends showed up and we all talked. After they left some other friends showed up and I talked to them. It was really great to talk about my faith, my friendships, teaching, psychology and stuff like that.
          After two hours in the cafeteria I leave. I end up in Laney and visit my favorite professor. I learn a little more about what will be expected of me in that opportunity I seized. We also had a nice chat about school, teaching and learning. It was really encouraging for us both I think. After that I go the student center and have lunch. I talk to a nice lady and her grandson (there for the geography bee) about school and learning (big shocker). The boy's mother (and the lady's daughter) was apparently a middle level science teacher. That was a cool conversation, too.
          Finally it's time for physics at noon. Desiree is in a good mood but after class, not so much. I buy her lunch and we talk for nearly an hour about life, school, and just cheer each other up. She thanks me repeatedly for the lunch (seriously it's no trouble at all, :D). The afternoon winds down with a little (much needed) shopping before I head to movie night (a blast as always). That was my Friday and it was awesome.

          If you've read this far, wow. It's a lot. Thanks for reading. I really do love you guys; you're all so amazing. I thank God every day for you as friends and mentors, sharing and caring and giving. Life is good.

On Faith and Science

Introduction and Disclaimer
          I am a Christian and a scientist. Let me just say up front that this is my opinion and that like everyone else, I feel I am right. I could be wrong but I'd like to think this an enlightened view.

My Argument
     I believe there is no conflict between my faith [:heart:] and science [science!]. Those who disagree [I feel] don't really understand either.

[Let's start with the faith side.]
The Gospel According to Me

As a Christian, my faith hinges on what I feel is important:

1. I am saved by grace and my belief that Jesus [who is divine] came to this world and died on the cross for my sins.
   
2. God is love. God loves me and he pours his love into me. I can't help but share that love because it truly does overflow and there's no way to contain it.
   
3. My faith and love compel me to action. I ever seek to live in truth and love. The two greatest commandments (Luke 10:27) say to ['Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and all your mind' and 'Love your neighbor as yourself'.]. I must care for others. Not just my friends or peers but also those I may not like, my enemies. There is no room for hate or apathy in my faith.
   
4. Everything else is details. You get into laws, explanations, clarifications. It’s like those first three were the Constitution of the U.S. and the rest are like laws and court rulings.

          When you find the simple principles of truth and love difficult to apply to a situation, you look at the rest for clarification. That isn’t to say that beyond the Gospel, the Bible is useless. It’s important in guiding how I live out my faith but my belief does not (and should not) hinge on any more or less than God’s love and Jesus’ sacrifice.

[So what about literal interpretation?]
          This is a tricky question that I cannot hope to answer. Bible scholars have studied this one for centuries. There are places in the Bible that are literal and there are places that are steeped in symbolism. Sometimes it’s both. For a lay-person like me, it’s not easy to determine.
          I believe the creation story shows us God’s power, even his nature. It’s a very poetic account of God calling things into being and creating order out of chaos. Is it literal? It’s hard to say. The word “day” in Hebrew can refer to daylight, a literal 24-hour day, or an unspecified period of time.
          This is where day-age creationists come in: those who believe that “day” in this sense is an unspecified period of time. Thus, “evening” would mean the end of an age, and “morning” would refer to the beginning of another. We can't know but it's an interesting view.

[Now let's look at science.]
Nature of science
          I wrote a ten page research paper on this, I know what I'm talking about.
          Science is reliable yet tentative. Everything we know is tested repeatedly. We come up with the best explanation we can given the evidence (and there's a TON of it). That explanation is and will continue to be accepted until new evidence challenges it. At that time, the theory will be modified or completely thrown out for a new one.
          Theories: In the vernacular, they are little more than conjecture or speculation, such as "I kinda think it might be like this". In science, the term theory carries vastly more weight. It is an explanation greatly supported by evidence gained and repeatedly confirmed through observation and experimentation.
          Science requires consensus; there will be no consensus without evidence. For instance, a person can publish a paper saying they've perfected cold fusion. The media will have a hey-day over it but the scientific community will remain skeptical until that person's results are confirmed by other scientists following the same procedure under the same conditions and getting results consistent with the first person's results. The peer-review process is important. Discussion is important. This is part of why it takes time for new theories to be accepted. Evidence must be gathered and confirmed. The theory has to make sense.
          So, people who say they don't believe evolution are extremely misguided at best. Evolution is not a faith to be accepted or believed in, it just is. People don't question (as often or openly) atomic theory or cell theory. Evolution or the big bang shouldn't be any different. These theories are the best explanations given the evidence.

[What about creationism?]
It's bad science.
          Literal 24-hr/6-day creationism is simply not supported by the evidence. Does this mean I believe God had no hand in the creation of the universe as we know it? Of course not, I believe he did it.
          Science, for me, is discovering how. I and my Christian friends (who are also scientists) get this. When you learn about the complexity of the human body alone, it's staggering. It's not mere chance it turned out the way it did but the result of a beautiful, intricate process resulting in what we see today.

[Um, okay?]
Let's try a metaphor
          I am writing a story [that I won't go into much detail now]. In that story has [for lack of a better explanation], a god. That "god" has this tile array [much like dominoes standing up] that he has set in place. Every tile in that array represents an action and/or reaction. The first tile was pushed and everything was set in motion.
          That's how I see it. God’s hand is in every one of those actions and reactions. His plan is complex array: sequence of events, actions and reactions all leading to this moment which is, in turn, an event leading to something else further down the line.

[So, now what?]
In conclusion
          We weren't there in the beginning. We can't know for sure unless we were. Again, scientific theories say one thing. Right know that's what we know and what we're sticking to until another, better explanation comes along.
          My faith shouldn't be shaken by something as trivial as creation versus evolution or the big bang theory. If it is, then I've lose sight of what is important. What's important is that I believe in something greater than me, something good and it inspires me to be the best person I can be...and there are no laws against that.

When Satan attacks, or how I regained my sanity (for the moment)

          I'm better today than I have been in a while. I've been struggling with procrastination and its consequences on my school life. I know exactly what I need to do, I have for some time. The content is not hard, it just requires work. They say knowing is half the battle, acting on it is a major part of the other half to be sure. I've always had a problem with procrastination. I remember my mom getting on to me about keeping up with the homework I had when I was in elementary school.
          I finally realized last night Satan is just trying to bring me down by working on that weakness. Telling me I'm a failure, lazy and hopeless. Reminding me about how if I don't pass, my dad always bring up cost of taking those courses over again. Or when I get just a C my dad basically tells me only the mediocre do so badly. Satan must really not want me to become a teacher if he's getting this desperate.
          Nothing other than becoming a teacher makes sense. All this makes me even more determined now, more evidence that this is what God wants me to do. I just have remind myself that my dad (and God) only want what's best for me, for me to do well and my dad do want to be a good steward of your money (not that I make it easy). That God doesn't want me to fail. He gave me this love of science and the passion for teaching.
          For those of you that were/are: Thanks for praying. Please continue to pray, specifically that I keep perspective and trust in God.