There's been a decline in my disposition over the past few days. It could be the turning of the seasons, the return of rain and clouds, almost anything. After so many years suffering from it, I've learned to recognize the symptoms of depression when they emerge. Right now it's mild-moderate yet pervasive. It usually starts with a lack of motivation. I just don't have the strength to go on. Then it sinks into hopelessness and I can feel myself going down.
I feel like I'm drowning in a puddle. I only have to get up but I seem unable to lift myself enough to breathe. Procrastination is something I struggle with every semester and every semester I lose. I'd already reached the point where it doesn't even bother me anymore. Now I just don't care; I actively avoid my studies now. I've resigned myself to complacency and only wish to get away from it all.
I would reach out to my friends but what I need is a taskmaster, someone to light a fire under me and make me do what needs to be done. They are not my parents, they are not my babysitters. I'm an adult, they shouldn't have to take that kind of responsibility. I'm seriously considering dropping out. I wonder if maybe this isn't where God wants me to be but it doesn't make sense.
It's like a physics problem. I'm a Mac truck on a three-mile-high cliff, in physics that would be huge potential. I want to roll forward and take full advantage of it but the friction is too great so I go nowhere.
Help me...
Showing posts with label rain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rain. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Yesterday...
Yesterday...
I turned in my hours for the first pay period of my job as a teaching assistant. I learned that that my three month old laptop that was in a coma will need to be wiped clean and everything re-installed and that it can be temporarily resurrected so I can back up the files on it before it's wiped clean.
Last night...
I learned a whole new way to look at marriage and relationships. I played in the rain, with swords. I ate a late meal with friends and didn't get back to my room until after midnight.
Today...
I took a test in physics. Played with M&Ms and learned about aromatic compounds. I hope to go look at costumes and get my phone back. I'll join a nerdy party and watch the premiere of Stargate Universe.
I turned in my hours for the first pay period of my job as a teaching assistant. I learned that that my three month old laptop that was in a coma will need to be wiped clean and everything re-installed and that it can be temporarily resurrected so I can back up the files on it before it's wiped clean.
Last night...
I learned a whole new way to look at marriage and relationships. I played in the rain, with swords. I ate a late meal with friends and didn't get back to my room until after midnight.
Today...
I took a test in physics. Played with M&Ms and learned about aromatic compounds. I hope to go look at costumes and get my phone back. I'll join a nerdy party and watch the premiere of Stargate Universe.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Why the name, an introduction, and to new beginnings
Why "Of Rain and Orchids"
It's raining outside; of course. I love my new orchid. I love orchids. Roses are pretty and carnations are nice but orchids are truly things of beauty. Exotic in shape and color, I'm just drawn to them. Hence the title. I made a header for this blog but until the creator of the stock I used okays it, it can only be seen in my deviantART gallery (see right).
An Introduction
There are those of who you know my real name; to those of you who do not you may call me Michelle. My general online alias is Koneko Decaelum. Koneko is Japanese for kitten. Decaelum is Latin and means "of heaven". I am also on Facebook and deviantART (I highly encourage you check out my page and gallery).
I am a junior in college and this is my fourth year of school. I have an associate of arts from a junior college not too far from where I now attend. I was originally a psychology major. Upon transferring I changed it to Chemistry and Secondary Physical/Earth Science Education. I hope to teach high school chemistry.
If nothing else, I strive to live in truth and love. If you live by those two simple principles you may yet live a long and happy life without regrets. 1 John is my favorite book of the Bible and speaks to me and my nature.
To New Beginnings
Finals are coming; they're next week in fact. It's a great relief to think the semester about over but I'm a little sad, too. I've made some wonderful friends this semester and grown closer to the ones I've had. I've met two wonderful young men. One I dated and other I should have (I may discuss this later). I've learned many new things and others I have been reminded of. There are things I wonder if I'll ever learn. I will face the coming week with hope and determination. Then I pack and retreat home for a few weeks before I must return for summer class.
It's raining outside; of course. I love my new orchid. I love orchids. Roses are pretty and carnations are nice but orchids are truly things of beauty. Exotic in shape and color, I'm just drawn to them. Hence the title. I made a header for this blog but until the creator of the stock I used okays it, it can only be seen in my deviantART gallery (see right).
An Introduction
There are those of who you know my real name; to those of you who do not you may call me Michelle. My general online alias is Koneko Decaelum. Koneko is Japanese for kitten. Decaelum is Latin and means "of heaven". I am also on Facebook and deviantART (I highly encourage you check out my page and gallery).
I am a junior in college and this is my fourth year of school. I have an associate of arts from a junior college not too far from where I now attend. I was originally a psychology major. Upon transferring I changed it to Chemistry and Secondary Physical/Earth Science Education. I hope to teach high school chemistry.
If nothing else, I strive to live in truth and love. If you live by those two simple principles you may yet live a long and happy life without regrets. 1 John is my favorite book of the Bible and speaks to me and my nature.
To New Beginnings
Finals are coming; they're next week in fact. It's a great relief to think the semester about over but I'm a little sad, too. I've made some wonderful friends this semester and grown closer to the ones I've had. I've met two wonderful young men. One I dated and other I should have (I may discuss this later). I've learned many new things and others I have been reminded of. There are things I wonder if I'll ever learn. I will face the coming week with hope and determination. Then I pack and retreat home for a few weeks before I must return for summer class.
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