Recent Reveries: A Year(ish) In Review

          So much going on in my head! Allow me to dump it out and attempt to share it in an organized fashion. 'Tis the season to reflect, right? Oh, who am I kidding? Do it all the time! Scroll to the bottom for a tl;dr.

Moving and writing
          It's just crazy to think how ten years (and a few months) ago, on my birthday, my family left Oklahoma for Arkansas. I was angry. They took me from everything I'd known and loved for the past six years. I told my parents I would never forgive them. I now know it's one of the best things to happen to me. I was thrown into a deep depression but I was already headed there. Due to the move, I was able to get help.
          I also threw myself into my writing. Pages and pages poured out. It wasn't that good but it was the only place I pour out all my pain and upset. I had no real reason to be depressed, I'd thought, but my characters would. I and the story grew together for many years. As I came out of the darkness and found real joy, the story fell by the wayside. Though never quite forgotten, I felt I had to be in a rather dark place to indulge the thoughts needed to write it.
          Yet, in the past few weeks I'm finding myself talking to the main character again and dreaming of her travels. I see her in a new light. She was always herself but I understand her and her world better now. I'm finding the need to tweak plot details, develop characters in ways I'd never thought of before, excavate themes I didn't realize were buried under it all. Watching the new Hobbit movie (twice!), reading the Chronicles of Narnia (and a handful of other books, fiction and nonfiction), reading about writing, feminism, Christianity, education, psychology, science, and symbolism in movies and books all feeds into this resurrected tale. Yeah, woah.
          I realize now that it will take years to craft the tale to my liking, much less to an editor's. It could be a decade or more, studying the cultural inspirations and psychology of the characters. I'm oddly excited about it. It's like my Sistine Chapel ceiling, it won't be comfortable or easy but it will be worth it. I hope.
          OH! And let me mention the other stories in my head I wish to write: a comic-book like story set mostly in my now beloved Arkansas and a not-too-distant future, a different kind of Little Mermaid story, an anti-undead story in which the few living are rebels in a dead and dying world. Good times. They may not ever see the light of day.

The thing I hated to love talking about
          Love and marriage. I can never quite escape it in my mind, can I? I put much of the blame squarely on God. In the past 18 months I've gone from nearly swearing it off and all but romantic relationships to a healthier acceptance of the fact, you know, I just might get married someday and it might even be kind of amazing. Still, I realize the greatest hindrance is my fear of being hurt.
          It's something I could only have seen in retrospect. My crush-turned-I-think-I'm-going-to-marry-him crazy phase broke me of being so against relationships (among other things). I was afraid to believe the notion that entered my head. It made it easier to let it go in the end. Then I had another (admittedly shallow) crush with someone who did everything right but was very wrong for me. It would have been okay, my crush would have passed as a temporary, suppressed annoyance but then he connected the dots from facebook and returned my interest. /sigh It took months for me not to smile like a fool when we conversed.
          Spring Kaleo conference, joining BCM leadership and especially Super Summer made me realize there are a lot of amazing, Godly, Christ-seeking men out there. From that one crazy crush to now, I realized the kind of man I want, that I need (as far as God has shown me to need and desire) can and probably does exist. I'm also really, really honored to call such men my brothers in Christ. It made me appreciate the Godly men in my life, not just the cute, young guys that happen to be single (they're so much more than that) but also the husbands, fathers, mentors and church leaders. It blows my mind. I trust them. Considering I greatly distrust (and even fear) most men, this is a big deal.
          That doesn't mean I have crush on every single one of the "available" young men among my acquaintances. Yes, several of them are attractive. That's nice. I have a passing interest in a few, but no infatuations. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. The kind of man I want and need has to decide he wants me and chase me. I've decided this. I refuse to chase boys. There are too many variables, like: who would I chase? No. I'm open to a relationship but not actively seeking it. I've better things to do with my time and energy like doing science, reading, maybe writing but most importantly doing what God wants me to do.

But what does God want me to do?
          It's a lifelong quest, divining His will. I'll surely be asking this in six months, six years, and at sixty years old. What am I doing? I'm going to school to be a science teacher to students facing adulthood. I used to think teaching is exactly what I would do and I would stay in Arkansas for the rest of my life (if I could help it). BUT...that one crazy crush. Suddenly, I was open to living abroad and maybe not even teaching or doing science. I'm working on an ESL endorsement, now, though. I'm excited for the possibilities it could open up.
          I no longer have a vision for what my future may hold. There are too many probable paths, I can't see myself following any one in particular. All I know is I can trust His lead.

Finally, as year dies, let me speak of death
          I don't mean to be morbid but life is too fragile and short to live as if I'm immortal and invincible. This is the legacy of my depression and a friend who many feel died far too young. I've already decided, Acts 20:32 must be the first thing said at my memorial/funeral:

And now I entrust you to God and the message of his grace that is able to build you up and give you an inheritance with all those he has set apart for himself. (NLT)

I'm sure that among you there is someone who can unpack that verse and apply it to the context of my memorial. If the organizers can throw in Switchfoot's "Souvenirs" (kind of cliche sounding) and/or "Where I Belong", that'd be cool.
          So, how will I be remembered? What words would I leave to those I love? I would tell them, tell you:

I have loved you with a love I didn't know could be had, that I couldn't contain. I hope you experienced the merest taste of it. What follows is a memorial of my life; a eulogy. "Good words." I certainly hope they are. Now, remember well my example and live how you want to be remembered. Life is too short and fragile to live otherwise.

I want to remembered for sharing God's radical love and being Christ to the world. I wasn't perfect and though I feel I rarely got it right, I always dug in my will and tried again, I kept going. I always sought to be true to myself and to God. Remember me thus.

TL;DR
          I thank my parents for moving us all to Arkansas; it was a major (good) step to what I am today. I may start writing again. I'm finally okay with the idea of marriage. Future is unknown but I trust God. I'm just trying to live my life how I want to be remembered; I hope you will, too.

Think and Remember

          So much has happened since my last post. I've started several posts but not posted any of them. I'll recount the events of the past month or so as briefly as possible but I doubt this will be a short post.
          First, there was the Halloween party at Drew's place. It was a blast. We all headed down to this hometown. Upon arrival we were once again whisked away to tree-shaded roads and open fields in the darkness. There was a hay ride and we were to scare the children and their parents as best we could. I spent two hours in a deep stand with Caitlin, talking about stuff and trying to find a scary ring-tone to use when the hay ride came by. I stayed the night and in the morning we went to church there in town.
          On the ride back, I decided to take part in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). It's a challenge where one must write 50,000 words in 30 days (in this case, November). I chose to work on the prequel in my Ka'ne-Yuri series, Prelude, for NaNoWriMo. I've been wanting to lay down the background for quite a while now (and not just saying, "This happened"), so that's what I did. You can check out the postings I have so far in the NaNoWriMo 2009 folder of my deviantART gallery.
          I was okay for the first week but the third week really threw me. I was swamped with school. In the final days I boosted the word count from 25,806 to 46,134. I didn't quite make it to 50k to win but I wrote about 10,400 words in a single day. I came back after my 1pm class and sat from 2pm to nearly 1am writing. I got up maybe twice, once to eat and another for the restroom. It came out to about 1,000 words an hour. I normally write 1-2k in 3-4 hours, so this was huge. It was emotional for me write so much in a single go. I tend to feel characters' emotions when writing or even reading and there was a lot of bad stuff going on in the part I wrote. Check out my NaNoWriMo profile.
          I taught my first actual lesson before a real 9th grade physical science class. I did better than I thought but I need to slow down and work on my classroom management skills. That's okay because I'm taking it in the spring (WIN!).
          There was a Pre-Thanksgiving dinner the Sunday before Thanksgiving. It was a rather stressful evening but the food was amazing. I decided it was a good taste of what actual Thanksgivings are like for people.
          Tuesday our parents came up and visited us. They made it early enough to visit Christ Church's Tuesday night meetings. They understand now why I am willing to drive 20 minutes out of town to church. It's that good of a family.
          Wednesday my brother, our parents and I saw Blind Side, a movie about an African-American young man who gets taken in by an affluent white family and becomes a good football player. After the movie, we went to our usual Japanese Hibachi grill and sushi bar. It was nice to be with the family again. I had another dinner with Katie's family (her mom, her aunt and long time boyfriend) my brother and our parents were there, too. It was a nice afternoon, eating and watching TV, relaxing. My parents went back home Friday and I was alone for a few days. It was then I started again on the writing for NaNoWriMo.
          Did I mention I dropped University Physics I? Yeah, I'm retaking it in the spring. I'm also failing organic chemistry II but it doesn't bother me for some reason. Being a senior has its perks when it comes to signing up for classes. We get to sign up first. After talking with my adviser I signed up for: University Physics I, Organic Chemistry II (with Tarkka, I loved his class the first time I took organic I, he's entertaining but also a good teacher :P), Organic Spectroscopy, and Classroom Management with Mr. Ward (I loved his Learning and Development class in the spring).
          You'd think that I should be bothered by repeating two classes from this semester in the spring but I'm fine. I've noticed that I was not motivated to study at all for organic; strange, right? I came to the realization that it's okay because I'll be exactly where I need to be. God has really been working in my life these past several months and I came to realization only in the past couple of days.
          I am so glad Caitlin has started coming to Christ Church with us, her change and growth over the past couple of weeks is amazing and I thank God for that. I've seen God at work all semester and it just blows me away to think of what happened. I've learned to trust in Him so much more now. I'm also talking with him very regularly. I pray and talk to Him throughout the day and it has been a blessing. Christ Church has been a huge part of my life and I love my brothers and sisters so much, it's impossible to contain.
          Thursday we had our last Christ Church Conway of the semester. We read through Ephesians in one go and talked about the letter. It was very encouraging. A few of us hung out for a few hours and then we all went to IHOP at midnight to celebrate the end of the semester with an extended group of friends. It was a blast. Except for the terrifying feeling that I later determined was caused by food. Neurological reactions to food are bad. I was freaking out and feeling really uncomfortable. It happened again last night. The irrational fear could not be rationalized away and clearly the food was causing extreme anxiety. If it happens again tonight, I'll know what it is and deal accordingly.
          My dear friends; brothers and sisters, I love you and wish all the best for you. Oh wait, our dearest Grace will be leaving for a semester abroad in France. We love you and will miss you sorely. Go forth and be awesome in France. We'll hold together just fine, sister. Remember, God's got your back (and mine and ours :D) and if you just talk to Him, you'll know. Love, hope, grace, and peace to you until we meet again.

-M.B.