Damming the River of Love

          Depending on the situation I'm not a very open person. I bottle everything up and try to deal on my own without letting God do His thing to help me with my burdens. I've had Coldplay's "Square One" stuck in my head so far this week. It's a rather melancholy song. When I'm in those moods, that's what I listen to, especially when the lyrics resonate so much with me.

...You just want somebody listening to what you say...
Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too?
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And then you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult had fired you
You wonder if your chance'll ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

          When I was younger, I used to fight showers. I'd avoid them because, for whatever reason, I just didn't want to take one. But when I got in under that hot water and got all cleaned up, you couldn't get me out! It's the same way with opening up to people and letting them know I have a need, even if it's just someone who will listen.
          Last night was Grace's surprise birthday party (right before Christ Church meeting). Hearing everyone say what they did about her, while I agreed it was true I felt that's how I want to be known. Someone with wisdom and compassion and so much love. I can't be that person though, not if I trust in my own reason and not seek God's wisdom.
          I'm an introvert, it takes a lot for me to open up. After church we broke into our small groups for discussion and prayer as needed. I sat there for a while and realized I couldn't really talk to anyone in there. I went outside and stared at the moon and the stars, trying not cry. I thought of Coldplay's "Yellow" and how after reading 1 John, it takes on a whole new meaning. I sat down at the curb of the front walkway and sang to myself FFH's "Power in His Blood" in an attempt to comfort myself.

There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
Sufficient and full there's power in His blood
His love is all we need
There's joy in the spirit of the Lord

          It wasn't really helping. Ian was outside and he must have finished his phone conversation because he sat down next to me. Part of the reason I hate opening up is the crying part. After holding it in for so long, I start to cry. It all comes out. How I feel such a disconnect, my difficulty in expressing my needs; how seeing Alex this week reminded me of everything wrong in my life at the time, my depression and obsession and wanting to be free of it; my struggle with dealing with Max's decision not to be more than friends (disappointment, wondering his reasons why, rationalizing that it doesn't matter, he had his reasons and accepting that). Ian told me what I needed to hear; that how no matter what was going on in my life, no matter who I wanted, to depend on Jesus as the only one who could fulfill my needs. I wasn't really surprised to learn he had dealt with similar struggles and was rather introverted as well. I'm not really sure what I expected of him, but it makes sense.
          During my talk with Ian, I mentioned Ka'ne (haha) and how she was my strength, my inspiration. Before she was my strength and my comfort but now I see her as....this illustration is best: Where and when Christ leads, she urges me to follow. As any well-made character, she is not perfect. Far from it. She has her good qualities to be sure but she wouldn't want to be role model. She's made mistakes in her life and had to live with them. Imperfect as she is, she urges me to follow His perfection and wisdom.
          On the way back to school, I continued to ruminate over what had been said. All my holding in was like dam in my river of love. It would never run dry but this dam had slowed its flow to a trickle. I realized that I regularly needed face-to-face and heart-to-heart talks about what was going on in my life to keep that river clear and flowing full force. It hurts at first. It's hard to get started, just like getting in that shower and allowing yourself to be washed by the water. But when it's over, I feel so clean and light. I must remind myself of it so that I may gladly do it again.

When you work it out

          I've had God Put a Smile Upon Your Face by Coldplay stuck in my head for the past week. I'm not really bothered by that anymore. I let it play over and over in my head until it runs its course. It hasn't yet, though. I should mention that when I hear it I think of the Prelude prequel to the main Ka'ne-Yuri story I've been working on for quite a while. I can picture it all, like a montage from start to finish. Condensed properly it'd be an awesome trailer for the movie or nice to way to cover those events at the beginning of the main Ka'ne-Yuri.
          The story has so many twists and turns and back-story (not to mention setup) you'd think this was some kind of sci-fi/fantasy soap opera but I assure you it's not so melodramatic. I sometimes wonder that if I ever truly finish this (to my satisfaction) and publish it, would people try to say I was hoping to make the next Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or something? I almost would be insulted at the suggestion. They're great works in their own right but my story is so different from both. I feel my writing has not matured and improved quite well enough to do the story justice. I try my best when I do rewrites but I always fall short, in my opinion. It's grown with me for nine years now and I understand the world and characters so much better then I did when I first created it all. I look back at the plot and the major points of it that I created, underlying themes that emerged and how the characters and world developed in my mind.
          At fourteen (with a normal suburban life), I couldn't understand or explain to others why characters acted the way they did. At fourteen I didn't really know despair, the strength of the bond between a Guardian and their charge, the weight of responsibility, what it can drive a person to or allow themselves to do, feeling so trapped and wanting to get away but afraid and unsure how because as terrible as life was for her not knowing anything else (almost). Then we moved. I had the predisposition for it before, I'm sure, but being taken away from everything I loved and knew at sixteen threw me over the edge and into a terrible depression. It's only in the past few months (maybe year or two) I feel I've finally recovered. In the depths of such sorrow and pain I found solace in Ka'ne. I slipped into her world often to hide away from mine. I could transfer my burden to her; see through her eyes, feel what she felt.
          You wouldn't think depression is a state that promotes creativity (the evidence seems inconclusive either way) but for me it was a powerful catalyst. In the first semester at the new school I had filled twenty-five pages of scribbles of Kane's story during and between classes and at lunch. I was diagnosed and treated but the treatment left me numb and rather dull. It's strange, getting used to being twenty-three. I see Ka'ne-Yuri with fresh eyes and ever plumb deeper into my characters and their world. Now it is a pleasant escape, a haven away from the hectic and sometimes isolating college life. I think about her on the way to and from classes, when other songs trigger thoughts of situations and characters, when I'm scared or lonely.
          Ka'ne is not just some fictional character, she is part of me more intimate than any external relationship can be (or internal with myself for that matter). She is my mother, my daughter, my sister, my head, my heart, my soul, my joy, my heartbreak, my comfort, my strength. She is that great and powerful part of me that I draw from, a slightly dissociated version of myself but yet so different from me you wouldn't recognize at times.
          and maybe that's why i'm not really sure i could ever finish the story...because giving her up to the world would be baring the deepest parts of me.

Senses and Sensibilities

          I am now acquainted with all my classes and teachers. I'm taking Cultural Perspectives: Family, School, and Community Partnerships (3 hours), University Physics I (calculus based, 4 hours), Secondary Science Methods and Material (4 hours), and Organic Chemistry II (4 hours). Fifteen hours is a fairly standard course load for college but these all require heavy time commitments for study. I'm convinced that I should cancel my World of Warcraft subscription as it would only be a major distraction. Internship I is only 1 credit hour, it's a co requisite for my Methods and Materials class. I have to go off campus and observe a classroom so many hours a week. I may also have to participate in the teaching. *eep!*
          Cultural Perspectives I expect it to be the usual education class, perhaps a little more work but not excessively so. The teacher is a bit strange but sincere and clearly knows what he's doing. I'm required to have ten hours of "field experience" with a student (high school age in my case) of a different race, ethnic background, religion, or socioeconomic status (perhaps even gender?). I have to write about it as well.
          Physics is clearly going to be time consuming if I want to pass, much less get a decent grade. No other teacher or professor has ever managed to make me hate them and their class so much in one session. Lab was a headache and he asked us to use the Macs there to make a chart and graph the results. We all were PC people. We wasted over ten minutes trying to find the spreadsheet program, input the data and figure out how to make a chart. I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just get my chemistry degree and finish up my educational classes, just forgetting about being qualified to teach anything else. Then I remember, it's probably better if I do it all...
          Methods and Materials will be the most challenging class, I'm sure. I have to come up with a mini-unit (with three lessons) as well as an interactive lab, write a paper on the Nature of Science and teach a lesson before a real class. It's exciting and scary all at once. Most people don't realize (or appreciate) how complex teaching really is. There's more to it than teaching in the classroom. Preparation, talking to parents, grading papers, cooperating with fellow teachers, keeping up with accreditation (professional development)...for many teachers they may work 45-60 hours a week (including classroom time). True, I get same vacations as my students but chances are that time may be taken up with jobs to supplement income or in training/professional development.
          Finally, organic chemistry will be both a blast and headache (perhaps caused by the blast). I have the same professor as I did in organic 1 I took this spring. I'm sure it will be more challenging the organic 1, she equates chemistry with language (an apt description in my opinion). In organic 1, we learned words (functional groups and basic reactions). In the second course we learn sentences (a lot of mechanisms--how a reaction goes and how fast--and many more types of reactions).
          So, no free time. Or is there? I am certain I will find it, hidden between project and homework or somewhere.

Shopping and Sake-tinis

         So today was my brother's last day here at home. Tomorrow he heads back to his girlfriend and school. We decided to actually go out today and do something (other than watching TV and playing WoW). We head into a town a little north of here and go shopping. We walk down the main street (which is home to more gift shops and antique stores than you would think is necessary in so few blocks). At the first one we found a couple gifts for his girlfriend's mother. For his girlfriend he got a shirt (as she had requested). We then went to a shopping center a few miles from our house. We wandered around a bit, checking the stores for my sandals or his shorts. We found neither but he did find a shirt (25 dollars off) to play tennis in. The stores everywhere were packed. Back to school sales or something.
         After we had lunch at Red Robin (we stuffed ourselves so that we didn't even want to think about dessert). We headed home for a couple hours before we all went to the theater to see Funny People. I'll try not to ruin everything but it's pretty dark and not exactly what I would consider a comedy even though it's about comedians (had it's jokes).
         Dinner was surely the highlight of the day. Aside from our family there was a couple and a mother/daughter pair having a mother/daughter day. They all had plenty to drink (Sake-tinis I beleive they were called). The mother kept hitting on our chef (she had the most to drink). We all had fun watching the show (but our family had seen it all before since we prefer to eat at hibachi restaurants). It was fun seeing the mother try to catch shrimp in her mouth (the chef flung a few). She offered him some of her Sake-tini a few times.
         So now we're watching the first Men in Black movie. Still entertaining. :P

Where cold winds blow

          Summoned there by the warlock known as Astral, Keyaru first saw Dalaran in all it's magic splendor. She cheerfully gave him a hug and a kiss. Just before she ran off, he offered to show her the portals. She insisted she knew where everything was and found her way to what she desired. She had worked long and hard to earn the right to be called a Grand Master of Leatherworking and Skinning and the trainers easily accorded her the honor (for a small fee of course).
nbsp;      She then wandered the city. The city air was heavy with the sweet and rich scents of magic. She was grateful for the arctic mountain breezes that puffed through. She visited the flight master so that she may fly there again from any other place in Northrend before finding the Silver Enclave. She nearly got lost finding A Hero's Welcome, the inn, to speak to the inn keeper about making it her home.
          After, she took a portal to the dwarven capitol of Ironforge. There, she bought a gryphon ride to the Wetlands. She wanted to arrive at the Howling Fjord properly. She made her way through the stagnant, soupy air to the docks and boarded the boat. She was glad when it left the bay, she always hated swamps and marshes. Once they were closer to Northrend, she climbed up to the bow and stood on the railing as the boat glided through the mist. She tried to adjust her stance but fell into the frigid waters instead. The boat paddled on ahead while she was left to swim.
          Her indignation at her clumsiness soon gave way to determination. She insisted to herself that she was enjoying a refreshing swim in northern waters. She was amused to see a burning boat suspended with chains between the cliffs. These, though, could not sustain her. Valgarde was still some distance and her leather armor did not like the cold water. She summoned what strength she could and jumped out of the water and sprinted for a considerable distance.
nbsp;      When she lost her speed she had finally made it to Daggercap Bay. She swam the short distance, now quite exhausted and moving slowly. She dragged herself ashore on the dark frozen soil beside the docks. The settlement was not small but certainly no city either. Utgarde towered to the north. She had heard stories of it and been invited more than once to join a party of adventurers to explore but had been too busy to do so. She was sore, wet, cold and tired. She would rest soon enough but first some matters to attend to.
       She spoke with a dwarf on the docks who impressed upon her the importance of keeping the settlement safe and asked that she speak to a Vice Admiral Keller. Keller agreed that her help was needed and gave her a task. She promised she would help fight the invading Vrykul and worgs the next day. She spoke with gryphon master of the area, noted with curiosity the turkeys strutting about, and finally bought a room for the night at the inn. Tomorrow she would face this cold new world and brave what dangers she found.

Calcluelss

          We had the last class meeting for calculus today. Next week: three days of review followed by the final. I feel good about it. Next Friday I move into my apartment and Saturday (maybe Sunday) I head home for a couple weeks. It is at that point I shall buy Wrath of the Lich King and power-quest to level eighty. Then I shall return to the real world and immerse myself in the wonder that is old school personal interaction. You know, like before computers and cell phones and facebook.
          Time flies by, doesn't it? Three weeks from Saturday I'll be twenty-three! I am looking forward the fall semester already when I can see my friends and take more than one class. It'll be awesome. Tonight I'm heading to a much bigger city than this humble college town with previously mentioned friends and in the morning I'll be visiting Katie for a girly weekend (to be sure).
          Speaking of girly weekends, this last one was interesting. Katie convinced me to sit through her painting my nails. A shiny, almost golden sheer polish is on my fingers and my toes sport a deep red with the same golden one on top (for sparkly-ness,haha!). She dyed my hair a bit lighter (which also tones down the fairly blond highlights I got early June). I also got started on Final Fantasy IX (9), at her insistence.
          So, hmm...Fun summer! I will try to post after I get back home and let you know of Keyaru's adventures in unforgiving snows of Northrend.

Stars in the distance

          So the highlight of my day is full of leavings. Derek sent me a message today saying we weren't right for each other. I kind of saw this coming. I'd mentioned to someone that I didn't really see it going anywhere. For some reason, I have the song Quicksand by Natalie Walker stuck in my head. I keep thinking I should be all heartbroken and sad but I'm not. These feelings are like a star in the distance. I can see them but they are so far away, the only evidence is a single point of light in my vast sky. I honestly felt much worse when Max said he didn't think it would work out and those feelings were not unbearable. C'est ma vie. Forget sparkly vampires and celebrity crushes, my unrealistic standard for men is Ryumaru (shy, adoring, patient and understanding) and he's not that unrealistic. Someday I will find my Ryumaru...
          My brother left with our dad back home, too. Six hundred miles away they will be. I won't see my brother for three to four weeks. When he comes back here it will be my turn to go home. I may be spending my birthday with just my parents and maternal grandmother who lives with us. I'm considering going back as soon as my summer class is over and spending only a week or two at home before returning. It would just be long enough to get a new license plate and driver's license. This way I could spend my birthday with my friends and family.
          I'm wondering if maybe I'm being too cautious about love. I always say go for it. I went for it, twice, and it didn't work out so no regrets there. I just think I may be holding back, not investing as much as I could and probably should. Sure it makes things easier if it doesn't work out but am I making it more likely to end up this way by investing so little? The irrational girl inside of me wants answers as to why he's saying this but my rational self insists the means do not matter, in the end the result is the same. His reasons are his own and he owes me no explanation. [On a random note, I've just learned I don't really like cherry flavored AirHeads.]
          In other news, I aced the calculus test last Monday. I'm so happy. I just have to keep working and I can make it out with a B. I'm tired if being lazy and not studying which results in C's or D's and a repeat of the class (I don't think I've ever had an F though). I don't understand why I fight it so. I may seem nice and at times I may be too forgiving and giving but I am a willful person and I tend to do what I want. This passive aggressiveness led teachers back in grace school to believe I had ADD but I was just not interested. My dad insists if I really do have OCD it's "selective". Truth is, I'm a bit absent-minded but not ADD and my OCD is likely an overcompensation for it.
          I am so ambiguous.
          I am quiet if I'm not loud. Sweet and yielding if not headstrong and tactless. I am easily distracted when not intensely focused. I will eat with great control (parfait of granola, fruit and yogurt) only to easily down the entire meal at a hibachi restaurant (in my defense it's really good, fresh food). I show great maturity and wisdom yet later do not take my own advice. I am melancholy and almost equally sanguine. I am hard to predict at times, you don't know which side of me you'll get. I wonder if perhaps this all is my human nature warring with the spiritual...