I'm In Better Hands Now

          Despite the fact that I should be stressing over all that needs to be done, I'm not that worried. I still need to do 2.5 chapters of homework for physics, prepare for labs, catch up on notes, and go where I need to go and make it there on time. But I'm not stressing. I've really been at peace these past few days. It's as if I've found an island of calm in the storm of my life. It may be that at this point, I'm too tired to stress. Either I do what I need to do or I don't. The results are my fault and no one else. It could be God is providing of course. In his own strange mysterious way.
          I've finally canceled my World of Warcraft subscription. I told guild/friends about that fact. They make exceptions for military members about kicking them out after 2 weeks of no activity. I'll probably buy some game time for winter break. I've been in the guild for over a year and an officer in it for much of that time, it counts for something. They're so nice. I miss playing. If I could manage my time better I would not have had to cancel. Oh well. As I've said, consequences are the results of actions I take full responsibility for. I may not like it but, "It's my own damn fault." (Pardon the language but you have to agree).
          I've been trying to work out something (very quickly) about spring room- and suite-mate arrangements. My friends Grace and Ali are currently rooming together in the same apartment complex as me. Grace is spending spring semester abroad. I suggested Ali switch with my suite-mates. If nothing else, I'd move in with her so she would avoid a random roommate she doesn't know, or worse wouldn't like. Everyone except Grace & Ali's suitemates (whose positions I am unsure of yet) is for it. Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.
          My head is so full yet empty these days. Like flitting birds, thoughts fly around but I cannot grab them. I'm feeling the need to be productive with so much to do but nothing really gets done. If only my newer laptop wasn't in a coma.
          My newer laptop that I got back in June was screwed. After downloading and installing an update last week I let it restart. As it was starting up it said something was wrong, so it did some sort of check and fix up thing. It told me it couldn't fix it! It then continues with start up and gets stuck on a regular disk check. It's really frustrating because I took it in to be checked over a month ago but Best Buy is no help. I'm taking it into some place called Wired (Solutions?) where I hear they're really good at helping for a reasonable price.
          I'm considering costumes for a Halloween party. Katie suggested a geisha, vampire or witch. When I told some of my other friends, Caleb suggested my doing all three. Max then said that idea was "very Japanese". It was funny, but you kind of had to be there to get how funny it was. What do you think? I'm going to look at costumes when I drop off my laptop to get looked at.
          Well, I've spent way too long working on this entry. I'll attempt to do something productive now. Love, grace and peace to you until I write again.

Going, going, going and running on empty.

          I haven't been posting much lately because I'm swamped. I now have very little free time, that times should be spent studying. Tuesday through Thursday is officially the busiest part of my week. Tuesday morning I observe two 9th grade physical science classes in a row (8:15am-10:10am) at a high school near campus. I have just enough time to drive back, change into more comfortable clothes, and get to my 10:50 class. Lunch is next followed by a short reprieve. Every couple of weeks, I attend the chemistry club meetings at X-period (1:30-2:30) before Organic 2 laboratory (2:40-5:20).
          Wednesday I have to get up early to take some extra time to look nice to observe yet another period of physical science at the end of the day. First I have class from 9-12. I get an hour for lunch then it's off to organic lecture. I have to get back to my car quickly enough to drive to that last hour of observation.
          Thursday! Oh man. Today I was on campus for 11 hours straight. As I said before, I'm a teaching assistant for an 8am organic 1 lab. After that, I had a snack. I went to an earlier physics lab to attempt some homework and hope I get some help. I got 1 problem done in three hours. After, I joined a friend who was in that lab for lunch at the cafeteria. I hadn't been there since I got annoyed this summer and gave up eating there. I got some stir fry and it was good. After lunch I had to attend my own physics lab (2:40-5:20). Directly after that, I worked on homework with the physics tutors (they were so patient) for two whole hours (5-7).
          Whew! I was lucky my 10:50 class did not meet today. So yeah. I am busy now. Back to doing homework! *sigh*

Academics

          I had signed up to be a TA (i.e. teaching assistant) for one lab a week (specifically an 8 am Organic I lab on Thursdays). I'll get paid minimum wage ($7.25/hr) for almost three hours a week. It's not much but it'll pay for gas and maybe even some groceries; a start at some independence from my parents. The paperwork all went through and the professor has agreed to the hire. My Internship I placement is all settled. I'll be going to a high school within five minutes of campus, visiting Tuesday mornings for a couple hours and Wednesday afternoons for one fifty-minute period. I'll be observing and eventually teach a single lesson before the class. At least it's a ninth-grace physical science class. I also have my field experience for the Cultural Perspectives class in order. I'll be volunteering at a local Boys and Girls Club for an or two each week.
          Haha! So I have even less time now for myself but it's all right. I go to school, study, get educational experience, engage in Bible study and occasionally indulge in my hobbies. Since I had a test in University Physics 1 and Organic 2 I have no immediate homework to do. I know tomorrow will have work a-plenty. Until then, I shall enjoy the small respite.

Damming the River of Love

          Depending on the situation I'm not a very open person. I bottle everything up and try to deal on my own without letting God do His thing to help me with my burdens. I've had Coldplay's "Square One" stuck in my head so far this week. It's a rather melancholy song. When I'm in those moods, that's what I listen to, especially when the lyrics resonate so much with me.

...You just want somebody listening to what you say...
Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too?
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And then you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult had fired you
You wonder if your chance'll ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

          When I was younger, I used to fight showers. I'd avoid them because, for whatever reason, I just didn't want to take one. But when I got in under that hot water and got all cleaned up, you couldn't get me out! It's the same way with opening up to people and letting them know I have a need, even if it's just someone who will listen.
          Last night was Grace's surprise birthday party (right before Christ Church meeting). Hearing everyone say what they did about her, while I agreed it was true I felt that's how I want to be known. Someone with wisdom and compassion and so much love. I can't be that person though, not if I trust in my own reason and not seek God's wisdom.
          I'm an introvert, it takes a lot for me to open up. After church we broke into our small groups for discussion and prayer as needed. I sat there for a while and realized I couldn't really talk to anyone in there. I went outside and stared at the moon and the stars, trying not cry. I thought of Coldplay's "Yellow" and how after reading 1 John, it takes on a whole new meaning. I sat down at the curb of the front walkway and sang to myself FFH's "Power in His Blood" in an attempt to comfort myself.

There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
Sufficient and full there's power in His blood
His love is all we need
There's joy in the spirit of the Lord

          It wasn't really helping. Ian was outside and he must have finished his phone conversation because he sat down next to me. Part of the reason I hate opening up is the crying part. After holding it in for so long, I start to cry. It all comes out. How I feel such a disconnect, my difficulty in expressing my needs; how seeing Alex this week reminded me of everything wrong in my life at the time, my depression and obsession and wanting to be free of it; my struggle with dealing with Max's decision not to be more than friends (disappointment, wondering his reasons why, rationalizing that it doesn't matter, he had his reasons and accepting that). Ian told me what I needed to hear; that how no matter what was going on in my life, no matter who I wanted, to depend on Jesus as the only one who could fulfill my needs. I wasn't really surprised to learn he had dealt with similar struggles and was rather introverted as well. I'm not really sure what I expected of him, but it makes sense.
          During my talk with Ian, I mentioned Ka'ne (haha) and how she was my strength, my inspiration. Before she was my strength and my comfort but now I see her as....this illustration is best: Where and when Christ leads, she urges me to follow. As any well-made character, she is not perfect. Far from it. She has her good qualities to be sure but she wouldn't want to be role model. She's made mistakes in her life and had to live with them. Imperfect as she is, she urges me to follow His perfection and wisdom.
          On the way back to school, I continued to ruminate over what had been said. All my holding in was like dam in my river of love. It would never run dry but this dam had slowed its flow to a trickle. I realized that I regularly needed face-to-face and heart-to-heart talks about what was going on in my life to keep that river clear and flowing full force. It hurts at first. It's hard to get started, just like getting in that shower and allowing yourself to be washed by the water. But when it's over, I feel so clean and light. I must remind myself of it so that I may gladly do it again.

When you work it out

          I've had God Put a Smile Upon Your Face by Coldplay stuck in my head for the past week. I'm not really bothered by that anymore. I let it play over and over in my head until it runs its course. It hasn't yet, though. I should mention that when I hear it I think of the Prelude prequel to the main Ka'ne-Yuri story I've been working on for quite a while. I can picture it all, like a montage from start to finish. Condensed properly it'd be an awesome trailer for the movie or nice to way to cover those events at the beginning of the main Ka'ne-Yuri.
          The story has so many twists and turns and back-story (not to mention setup) you'd think this was some kind of sci-fi/fantasy soap opera but I assure you it's not so melodramatic. I sometimes wonder that if I ever truly finish this (to my satisfaction) and publish it, would people try to say I was hoping to make the next Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or something? I almost would be insulted at the suggestion. They're great works in their own right but my story is so different from both. I feel my writing has not matured and improved quite well enough to do the story justice. I try my best when I do rewrites but I always fall short, in my opinion. It's grown with me for nine years now and I understand the world and characters so much better then I did when I first created it all. I look back at the plot and the major points of it that I created, underlying themes that emerged and how the characters and world developed in my mind.
          At fourteen (with a normal suburban life), I couldn't understand or explain to others why characters acted the way they did. At fourteen I didn't really know despair, the strength of the bond between a Guardian and their charge, the weight of responsibility, what it can drive a person to or allow themselves to do, feeling so trapped and wanting to get away but afraid and unsure how because as terrible as life was for her not knowing anything else (almost). Then we moved. I had the predisposition for it before, I'm sure, but being taken away from everything I loved and knew at sixteen threw me over the edge and into a terrible depression. It's only in the past few months (maybe year or two) I feel I've finally recovered. In the depths of such sorrow and pain I found solace in Ka'ne. I slipped into her world often to hide away from mine. I could transfer my burden to her; see through her eyes, feel what she felt.
          You wouldn't think depression is a state that promotes creativity (the evidence seems inconclusive either way) but for me it was a powerful catalyst. In the first semester at the new school I had filled twenty-five pages of scribbles of Kane's story during and between classes and at lunch. I was diagnosed and treated but the treatment left me numb and rather dull. It's strange, getting used to being twenty-three. I see Ka'ne-Yuri with fresh eyes and ever plumb deeper into my characters and their world. Now it is a pleasant escape, a haven away from the hectic and sometimes isolating college life. I think about her on the way to and from classes, when other songs trigger thoughts of situations and characters, when I'm scared or lonely.
          Ka'ne is not just some fictional character, she is part of me more intimate than any external relationship can be (or internal with myself for that matter). She is my mother, my daughter, my sister, my head, my heart, my soul, my joy, my heartbreak, my comfort, my strength. She is that great and powerful part of me that I draw from, a slightly dissociated version of myself but yet so different from me you wouldn't recognize at times.
          and maybe that's why i'm not really sure i could ever finish the story...because giving her up to the world would be baring the deepest parts of me.

Senses and Sensibilities

          I am now acquainted with all my classes and teachers. I'm taking Cultural Perspectives: Family, School, and Community Partnerships (3 hours), University Physics I (calculus based, 4 hours), Secondary Science Methods and Material (4 hours), and Organic Chemistry II (4 hours). Fifteen hours is a fairly standard course load for college but these all require heavy time commitments for study. I'm convinced that I should cancel my World of Warcraft subscription as it would only be a major distraction. Internship I is only 1 credit hour, it's a co requisite for my Methods and Materials class. I have to go off campus and observe a classroom so many hours a week. I may also have to participate in the teaching. *eep!*
          Cultural Perspectives I expect it to be the usual education class, perhaps a little more work but not excessively so. The teacher is a bit strange but sincere and clearly knows what he's doing. I'm required to have ten hours of "field experience" with a student (high school age in my case) of a different race, ethnic background, religion, or socioeconomic status (perhaps even gender?). I have to write about it as well.
          Physics is clearly going to be time consuming if I want to pass, much less get a decent grade. No other teacher or professor has ever managed to make me hate them and their class so much in one session. Lab was a headache and he asked us to use the Macs there to make a chart and graph the results. We all were PC people. We wasted over ten minutes trying to find the spreadsheet program, input the data and figure out how to make a chart. I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just get my chemistry degree and finish up my educational classes, just forgetting about being qualified to teach anything else. Then I remember, it's probably better if I do it all...
          Methods and Materials will be the most challenging class, I'm sure. I have to come up with a mini-unit (with three lessons) as well as an interactive lab, write a paper on the Nature of Science and teach a lesson before a real class. It's exciting and scary all at once. Most people don't realize (or appreciate) how complex teaching really is. There's more to it than teaching in the classroom. Preparation, talking to parents, grading papers, cooperating with fellow teachers, keeping up with accreditation (professional development)...for many teachers they may work 45-60 hours a week (including classroom time). True, I get same vacations as my students but chances are that time may be taken up with jobs to supplement income or in training/professional development.
          Finally, organic chemistry will be both a blast and headache (perhaps caused by the blast). I have the same professor as I did in organic 1 I took this spring. I'm sure it will be more challenging the organic 1, she equates chemistry with language (an apt description in my opinion). In organic 1, we learned words (functional groups and basic reactions). In the second course we learn sentences (a lot of mechanisms--how a reaction goes and how fast--and many more types of reactions).
          So, no free time. Or is there? I am certain I will find it, hidden between project and homework or somewhere.

Shopping and Sake-tinis

         So today was my brother's last day here at home. Tomorrow he heads back to his girlfriend and school. We decided to actually go out today and do something (other than watching TV and playing WoW). We head into a town a little north of here and go shopping. We walk down the main street (which is home to more gift shops and antique stores than you would think is necessary in so few blocks). At the first one we found a couple gifts for his girlfriend's mother. For his girlfriend he got a shirt (as she had requested). We then went to a shopping center a few miles from our house. We wandered around a bit, checking the stores for my sandals or his shorts. We found neither but he did find a shirt (25 dollars off) to play tennis in. The stores everywhere were packed. Back to school sales or something.
         After we had lunch at Red Robin (we stuffed ourselves so that we didn't even want to think about dessert). We headed home for a couple hours before we all went to the theater to see Funny People. I'll try not to ruin everything but it's pretty dark and not exactly what I would consider a comedy even though it's about comedians (had it's jokes).
         Dinner was surely the highlight of the day. Aside from our family there was a couple and a mother/daughter pair having a mother/daughter day. They all had plenty to drink (Sake-tinis I beleive they were called). The mother kept hitting on our chef (she had the most to drink). We all had fun watching the show (but our family had seen it all before since we prefer to eat at hibachi restaurants). It was fun seeing the mother try to catch shrimp in her mouth (the chef flung a few). She offered him some of her Sake-tini a few times.
         So now we're watching the first Men in Black movie. Still entertaining. :P