Memories and mulling

          Of all the endings that have occurred in past several weeks, the most sudden and jarring was the end of my friend's life. Cris was a good friend of mine and a brother in Christ. It's weird realizing that I'll not see him again in this life. I'm also confounded by how I'm grieving. I don't really feel as if I am. Sure, I've shed a few tears but no great sobs, constant sniffles or hours of being inconsolable. I'm just not as emotional as some. I try to focus on going about my days like I have been. I get up, go to class, go to lab, do homework, play WoW, go to church and hang out with friends. Distraction makes it easier.
          Then there are times I find myself processing, reliving memories that have faded all too quickly. I have to dig them up, like carrots, and wash the dirt off before I can see them clearly. I often forget where I plant them, it seems. That's frustrating. However, I found a few choice carrots and slowly I brush off the dirt, finding little nuances I'd forgotten.

BeachReach '09
          BeachReach is a lot of things (like a spring break mission trip involving pancakes, sand and reaching the drunken masses of students), for me it was a spiritual honeymoon. Days before I joined other volunteers from the baptist collegiate ministry (BCM) I was involved with at the time on this venture, I made a leap of faith and decided to trust God with my life. Cris was one of the others that went. I didn't really know him until we went on this mission trip. Over that week, we talked and got to know each other better. I was impressed at how diligently he worked, his focus, and his humor. Talking over pancakes, burying himself in the sand, hearing of how well he managed with the call center and getting attacked by his roommates with pillows, the random silliness on the ride back... I was so impressed that I developed an infatuation with him. Looking back, I still ask, "What's not to like? To love?" but I was already dating someone and clearly God had other plans.

Organic Chemistry 2
          The following spring, we were lab partners in a chemistry class. I already love chemistry and labs, the professor is one of my favorites but Cris made that lab so much more enjoyable. I don't know how he put up with me, I often told him he was doing it wrong and did very little work (well, it seems like it looking back) One lab, we didn't have the glass stir rod needed to mix the chemicals together. Cris, the creative problems-solver, decided that an NMR tube was a great alternative. I expressed my hesitation at using it but he insisted it would be fine.

Glass stir rods are cheap and plentiful in most chemical labs.	NMR tubes are less common and far more expensive. That's all that matters to the story.

          The professor walks over and freaks out a little (maybe more than a little) at our using an NMR tube and locates glass stirring rod for us. Naturally, I pointed out that I thought it was a bad idea. It goes without saying I should have gotten a glass stir rod myself. We could have avoided the chiding. We all laughed about it in recent months.
          Another lab probably half way through the semester, Cris expressed surprised at me smiling. I remember asking, "In the past year we've been friends you haven't seen me smile once?" "Nope," he said. I've laughed. Well yes, but not smiled. I'm sure I have and for some reason he never saw, I guess. I can assure you he saw plenty more since then.
          At the end of that semester, I got out early out of a really rough physics test and decided to go watch his group's presentation on a project they'd worked on in another class. I remember coming in when he was getting grilled with questions by our organic chem professor. Cris had been asked to draw the mechanism of a reaction. I saw where he missed an atom coming off (or coming in) and thought "Oh, oh, it's right there, get it!" and silently cheered (in my head) when he got it. I was so proud. After the presentation, he thanked me for showing up, especially since I had a test. (I was going to fail that class anyway, haha).

And time passed
          I'm sorry I didn't keep in regular contact with him the past few months. He was a teaching assistant for one of my labs (the same one that he did a presentation on) but I was more worried about getting the lab done and done right that catching up with him. We ran into each other in the halls of the chemistry building now and then as well as in my few visits to the BCM. We even attended the same conference in October. I remember staying late one day after a lab and talking with Cris and Dr. Mauldin about chemistry and teaching, what we'd learned and our hopes for the future. We can make all the plans we want but sometimes, God says nope, come on home.
          I can't imagine how some of you are feeling; how you're dealing with it. I rest on the simple fact that Cris was a Christian. The proof of his relationship with God was in how he lived his life. I won't ever see him again in this life but I know I'll see him in the next.

11 things for the end of Spring '11 at UCA

1. Why did I initially look for socks in my file cabinet?
   
2. I will miss having students to tutor and TA for (at least until Summer I starts).
   
3. I won't miss them asking questions they'd know the answer to if they'd listened to what the professor said less than two minutes ago.
   
4. I will miss my friends and many classmates who will be graduating this semester.
   
5. Why doesn't UCA offer an education minor?
   
6. I play WoW like most people drink. Take that as you will.
   
7. So I quit biochem because I was failing but auditing to the end was worth it if only to hear Dr. Kelley say repeatedly, "Keep your dress down." throughout the final lecture on content. [sorry, inside joke]
   
8. I often wonder how my friends put up with me.
   
9. Sometimes I wonder how I put up with them.
   
10. Still, I love them more than they may ever realize.
    
11. My immediate response to virtually everything is quickly becoming crying out to God. I'd say that's a good thing.

Spring awakens

          This semester has brought some interesting challenges and insights in most areas of my life. Let's start with school.
          I'm not taking any education courses but watching the professors for my classes, teaching the labs I TA for and even a little in research I'm still picking up things. Mainly it's seeing what a good teacher looks like in action. It's encouraging.
          Dr. Kelley is kind of crazy but she's cool. She really forces you to apply the knowledge you're supposed to be learning. However, I'm...failing her class. I just don't know how to study. It's all descriptive and there's no homework. I'm terrible at memorizing stuff. In that sense it's like biology, which I hate with a passion. Maybe I should ask the students that are doing well how they study...I'm figuring out how to put together my minireview. If I can do okay on that, the rest of the tests and do well on the case studies I could pass. Maybe.
          Physics is much better. When I took it a year ago I was convicted of the fact that I could've had a good grade if I'd studied. This semester is proof of that. I have a mid to high B according to my calculations. I do fairly well on the homework and keeping up with labs; my first test was an A and I feel I did at least a B job on the second (I should find out this coming week).
          As usual, I love being a TA. Mondays are bit more gophering and babysitting but it's cool to see the students do labs I've worked on in research. Wednesdays are a test, to be sure. I don't know if it's the students, the instructor's classroom management style/philosophy is different from mine or both but it's a very draining two hours. Thursdays are great, though. Once again, I see the professor's emotional investment in his students. He is genuinely upset when students don't do well. He wants them to do well. I understand his pain. I feel it when there's a streak of poor answers in the labs I grade. I want to cry, I sometimes laugh and I get exhausted. Despite the drawbacks, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
          On the spiritual front, had a bit of a scrape. A couple Wednesdays ago, had a conversation after church that left me feeling we'd made the enemy angry. Later, when I tried to get to bed, I wasn't allowed to. It took some serious prayer, reading of the Bible, and singing, all with Desi's help, for it to go away. It wasn't fun. On the good side of things, God's keeping me fairly sane about life in general. School isn't overwhelming (yeah, yeah, it's only two classes but with the three labs my days can fill up pretty easily).
          God's definitely been working on my heart. He told me to cut off a false hope I was imparting to dear friend. I love how I've prayed a few times for God to take my heart and seal it, now I just don't care about dating at all. I figure God will prompt me to open my heart at the right time. I also pour a lot of love into my friends. They take care of me and I do what I can for them. It's how being single should be. It's not lonely by any means. It's full of love and joy and caring for each other.
          I think I know myself pretty well, but I keep learning more things. I suppose I'll never completely understand myself. I'm okay with that. I really need to figure out when it's okay to brush off others' (I think) overly emotional reactions to things I say/do and when I should address them. Let's just be honest here: I'm blunt. Sometimes that offends people. I often don't mean anything one way or the other, but people (mainly...never mind) often misunderstand my meaning. It's difficult for me to predict when something will elicit a negative reaction. It's rather frustrating. Having a strong thinking preference with little knowledge of (or even caring about) about social conventions and taboos can be an impediment.
          Desi posited an idea that I did not immediately answer: maybe I'm afraid of emotion. We were talking about fears, real fear, not like my deep hatred of spiders but of failure or rejection, something like that. I mentioned that I couldn't think of one. I'm sure I have them but even now I cannot think of any. So I ask you, do you think I fear having emotions? Perhaps I fear romantic relationships? Ian had mentioned that it's great and all that I'm called to be single for the moment but not to bash those wanting to be with someone.
          I don't think I'm against relationships and feelings. There is a time and place for them. I embrace the emotions I feel are appropriate. I may not be as expressive as my roommate but I feel every bit as intensely if not more so. When it comes to relationships I advocate calculated risk-taking. Don't be afraid of a negative answer to a query for affection but know what it is you truly want from the relationship. It is what you think need or is it truly something you can pour yourself into? I don't want to be in a relationship if I'm not all in.
          Well, I'm rambling. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
          TL;DR Biochem is kicking my butt. Physics is getting pwned. TAing is still awesome but tiring. Am I afraid of my own emotions? Maybe, but still waters run deep. Am I against relationships? Go for it, so long as your motives are pure. It's just not the right time for me.

Brooding Walls
          Today was not a bad day by any means but it wasn't great either. I feel a bit melancholy. I'm inclined to blame biology: poor sleep habits and other fun stuff probably wrecking into my peace. Well, maybe it's more than biology...We were talking in church tonight about spiritual warfare (reading Corinthians 10:3-6) and one thing that came up was tearing down walls. We need to be open with each other and share our struggles so that we can build each other up and strengthen the Body of Christ (not continue to wallow in our dysfunctionality). We talked about ways to tear the walls down and prevent them from building up in the first place.
          All this didn't really sink in until the ride home when I'd realized a few walls of my own had gone up. Every day I didn't read my Bible, didn't talk meaningfully with God and allow myself to be totally led by the spirit was another brick on that wall. The mortar is apathy and the bricks that should be used to build the Kingdom are instead being added to the wall. I can kind of tell when I'm allowing my spiritual muscles to atrophy: I waste my time more, my head gets full of useless junk that muddles my thoughts and feelings, things just don't seem in line and my resilience for life's ups and downs (even the minor ones) just goes to pot. I hate it. I feel unwell (on so many levels), a little (a lot) dirty and rather unhappy (if not downright blue).
          This is the part where many Christians stumble and simply give up. That's not how it goes. If you find yourself tripping up, check where you're going, reorient towards Him and get moving again. It's that simple. Hey, I didn't say it was easy. So now that I've realized I'm stumbling on rocks (because, hey, I'm off the trail) I'm going to focus on the goal and get back on track. Everything else will fall back into place, or (at least) things that aren't falling perfectly in place won't seem like that big a deal.

Learning is awesome
          So, about school: I'm...not hating it. I'd be enjoying it more if I wasn't on a spiritual detour. Physics isn't so bad and Biochem is a lot of fun with Dr. Kelley. I've lately been of the opinion that scientists are bit a strange; chemists are crazy but biochemists are on another level. Dr. Kelley is proof this. It's entertaining and she's actually a pretty good teacher. She states often that she wants us to think on our feet. Most of my classmates are pre-med, pre-pharm, pre-something-really-hard-and-maybe-life-saving so she wants to be able to trust these people with such important things. I've decided to pay attention to how she teaches that. I'd like to pass that on to my students (just because I'm not taking an education class doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it).
          First labs are picking up this week (finally!). Monday's organic 2 lab was...interesting. Everyone was lost and even though I'd worked on this reaction for several weeks last semester it had been at least two months so I was a bit unsure when answering questions. A few of the students weren't so happy about how their reactions were going but I assured them it was all right. We make mistakes, figure out what went wrong and move on. Another simple-but-not-easy thing to do. I was very open about sharing my mishaps in lab with the students to lessen their tension and dismay when it seemed things weren't going quite right.
          On a tangent, I've realized I don't really care about being wrong anymore. This is mainly in the context of learning: answering questions in class and working on assignments, etc. When I get it wrong, that's okay! It's an opportunity to learn. Yes, indeed. Trust me, when you get it wrong and then find your way to what is correct, you've learned it better than simply getting it right the first time. So be bold and be wrong! Then learn so you'll be more awesome than you were before. Praise God! I get excited just thinking about it. lmao.

          Well, this has been cathartic. If you've read this far, I'm impressed. Thank you. I love you. Marry me. Well...don't set a date.
Bye! [enthusiastic wave]

Mishal's chewy chocolate chip cookies

          I worked from the original Toll House recipe and Alton Brown's chewy alteration to come up with this recipe. I was going for a more tender, chewy cookie. I switched out a small amount of the vanilla extract for rum extract because I like to put it in all my deserts (lol). For some reason, rum extract tastes more like rum than adding real rum to recipes (lol, again). Not to mention it's a dry county and I don't drink. You can do all vanilla or add your own twist (mint or orange are good alternatives).
          I baked the half-recipe this morning (made about 16 cookies) but I doubled it here for more goodness. Let me know how yours turn out. :)

Ingredients

• 2 ¼ cups all-purpose flour
  
• ½ teaspoon salt
  
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
  
• ¼ cup granulated sugar
  
• 1 ¼ cup packed brown sugar
  
• 2 sticks (about 1 cup) butter, sliced into chunks and softened
  
• 1 ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
  
• ½ teaspoon rum extract
  
• ¼ cup (approx.) milk [probably won’t use it all]
  
• 2 eggs
  
• 2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chip morsels

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 °F.
   
2. In a small bowl sift together the flour, salt and baking soda.
   
3. In a large bowl, mash granulated sugar, brown sugar and butter together with a fork until slightly mixed. [Adding milk by teaspoonfuls, if needed] Beat sugar-butter mixture on low speed until creamy.
   
4. Add eggs one at a time, beat well after each addition. Add flavor extracts.
   
5. Add flour mixture in 3-4 parts. You may need to add a few teaspoons of milk to maintain consistency.
   
6. Stir in chocolate chips.
   
7. Drop cookie dough by large teaspoonfuls onto an ungreased baking sheet (or you can cover the sheet in parchment paper) about 1 ½ to 2 inches apart. Bake for about ten minutes or until brown on the edges. Let cool for 2-5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely. Should yield about 2 ½ dozen cookies (depending on size).

Oh, a year has passed?

          Well, it's a new year. It honestly feels like the last one had started three weeks ago. There was a lot of learning for me this year, not only in school but life in general (college tends to do that). I feel a bit out of touch, not sure why. Doesn't really matter, I guess.
          My laptop is in its last days. A sickly creature from the start...after 17 months, it's time has come. My brother will build me a new computer soon. It'll be an awesome desktop and cost will probably be half that of a decent laptop; considering mobility isn't really important and I can work in the library with a flash drive if I need to, a home-built desktop is totally cool with me. He plans to order the parts when he gets back from New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl. (He plays in the Razorback band.) Show your support for Arkansas with my Hogwild deviantART journal skin. :)

          Anyway, the laptop's graphics card is all but burned out, we suspect. As such, I can't play World of Warcraft. Instead of wasting my time playing that game (or getting frustrated in my attempt to play), I figure I'll get into my creative interests once more and hope that this old-before-its-time laptop can handle photoshop. So keep an eye out for a new journal skin or so. I think I'll get back to the 100 themes challenge. I've only done four so far but I have ideas for a few more. Feel free to suggest a theme or give a tip on how to go about one of the 96 themes left.
          Well, here's to a better year than the last.
-Mishal

Knowing yourself, the next chapter

          I've known for a while now that my personality has settled into the Myers-Briggs Type known as INTP or according to Keirsey, the Rational Architect. Such knowledge has been useful in being mindful of my weaknesses and focusing to develop my strengths. Lately I've been learning what my friends' types are and what that means for the relationship. It's common for conflicts to arise from differences in personality. For instance, my roommate has a strong "feeling" preference while mine is more "thinking". She may view me as too rational and maybe even cold at times while I may see her has annoyingly irrational because she's not thinking with her head. I value knowledge and competence, she may not so much. She has a strong sense of morality and justice, the world is in black and white. I see shades of gray. You can see where we might butt heads (and believe me, we do).
          This all helps me keep things in perspective. Contrary to popular belief, I am not the center of the universe and not everyone thinks and feels as I do. I hope to continue learning about myself and others so that we can all work together to our strengths and overcoming our weaknesses.
          So tell me about yourself! Take this test: http://similarminds.com/jung.html. Check out more info on your result at Personality Page, which has not only an overview of your personality but also info that may help in choosing careers, understanding your type in relationships and even direction on personal growth. Keirsey's website also has plenty of good information to work with: your personality, working with other types in work, school, family and love. Finally, Socionics has some fascinating information on relationships between the types: what to expect, what it is, strengths and weaknesses inherent to your type of relationship. I'd love to see how your personality matches up with mine.