Rational Mercy

Now as we have many parts in one body, and all the parts do not have the same function, in the same way we who are many are one body in Christ and individually members of one another. According to the grace given to us, we have different gifts: If...showing mercy, with cheerfulness.
Romans 12:4-6,8

          I was filling out an application for a program when I came to a question that asked what I thought my spiritual gifts are and how I've used them. The first thing I thought of was mercy. A few years ago, I was told that was my gifting (or at least one of my gifts). When I was first told, I was unsure but after some thought, it made sense. Over the years, I've seen how people expect mercy to be expressed compared to how I actually showed mercy. Others' expectations seemed somewhat contradictory to my nature. Many people I've talked to describe an example of showing mercy as crying with someone who's got cancer. I don't openly express emotion most of the time and I'm uncomfortable with others' display of emotion, especially strong ones. I'm fairly rational and readily offer advice or solutions. So how does that work?

What is mercy?
          Let's define mercy. Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines mercy (in part) as "kind or forgiving treatment of someone who could be treated harshly" or "kindness or help given to people who are in a very bad or desperate situation". What does it mean to be kind? Back to the dictionary: kind "of a sympathetic or helpful nature", "of a forbearing nature: gentle," "arising from or characterized by sympathy or forbearance". Ooo, forbearance, I like that word: "the quality of someone who is patient and able to deal with a difficult person or situation without becoming angry". Mercy is often grouped with compassion (a feeling of wanting to help someone) and empathy (understanding and sharing their experience/emotions), both of which I tend to experience for those I show mercy to. All that can involve crying with someone but it doesn't have to. How do I rationally perform this?

Showing mercy
          First: I'm not always rational. I'm not a robot. I have emotions. Most of the time, I'm merely calm and content. Every once in a while, circumstances results in a push from my calm equilibrium. I get anxious, sad or angry. Sometimes even hyper or manic moods make me feel off-balance. In those times, I'm not rational. I can't focus and make good decisions. That's when I need someone to remind me of what I already know or teach me something new to respond to the situation. Then I can re-center and regain equilibrium. That is something I can do for others. A lot of things may differentiate me from other people but everything I have experienced is similar to what someone else has experienced or will experience.
          This is how I'm able to show mercy. I have empathy for someone; I have been where they are, struggling with the same emotions. I have compassion; I want to help. Finally, I give mercy. I show kindness by loving someone and patiently helping them with their problem. I tell them what helped me when I was there. I tell them what they can do about the situation. I point them back to scripture (2 Tim 3:16, Ps 119: yes, all of it) and the rational truth (Romans 12:2, 1 Pet 5:8-9, Phil 4:4-9) to combat emotional lies (Jer 17:9) we allow ourselves to believe. I remind them to focus on God (Psalm 37:4, Matt 6:33) because most often, that's what they need. I see a need and I meet it.
          The Parable of the Good Samaritan is a classic example. It was a study on this story in church that made me realize that's how I need to show mercy and how I have shown it. The Samaritan in the story may or may not have been waylaid and left for dead by robbers but he did see victim's need and meet it. Crying with the seriously injured man and saying, "I'm so sorry this happened to you but don't worry; it'll be okay." wouldn't have helped him. He needed medical attention and that's what he got. He needed longer term care and time to recuperate; the Samaritan ensured that on his own dime.
          A little aside: In the social and historical context, it's a huge thing for a Samaritan to help a Jew like that. It's almost like...a Westboro member getting that kind help from a gay atheist. That kind of mercy is radical. It can change lives. That's the sort of life Jesus demonstrated and called us to live as well: a life motivated by love.

     Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your graciousness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
     Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9

     Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so through Christ our comfort also overflows. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation. If we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is experienced in your endurance of the same sufferings that we suffer.
2 Corinthians 1:3-6

Do I regret becoming a Christian?

          "Well I just don't want you to wake up one day and regret it," my brother finally said.
          I insisted that would never happen but he scoffed. I was trying to explain how God had changed my life but I felt I wasn't doing a very good job of it. I stared out at the window as he drove, briefly pondering the creeping green tide of kudzu slowly engulfing the Mississippi countryside. I silently prayed for the right words but none came. I shifted subjects. There was no point in continuing. I was merely arguing.
          In the weeks since that conversation, I've thought about it off and on. I don't regret my decision to follow Christ. In my case, it was a clear yet gentle invitation and undramatic acceptance. It just made sense to me. It was followed, a few months later, with a firm and inspiring, "Do this on purpose." So I did. I haven't looked back since. No matter the struggles or dry spells, the times I'd wondered, "Have I really changed?" I had assurance in my choice and in God's never letting me go.
          Why? All I have to do is dig out one of my notebooks from the past four or so years and see the difference. I can see the person I used to be, full of anger and hatred for the world and all that was in it. (Except my cat, but he made me sneeze.) I was directionless, lonely, and anxious. I'm amazed I had any friends. I can read the lessons I've learned, the blessings I've received, the love I'm continually growing in. Whenever I doubt, I can remember what God has done in and through my life. How many times did He tell Israel: "Remember when I rescued you and made you mine."? He has never let me down; despite all my failures and imperfections, I've never been alone. He takes care of His own.
          Sometimes I wonder if my brother sees my "getting super religious" and becoming Christian means a boat load of rules and regulations; that I miss out on all the fun and live a "safe," sheltered life. But I don't feel I've missed out. What have I missed? I'm happy to have "missed out" on hangovers, losing all I am and have to drugs, post-hook up blues, pregnancy and STD scares, or the constant, anxious struggle to keep up with the Joneses.
          My life is so much more. I've been stretched and challenged to live with reckless faith. For God, I do things I would never have dreamed I could do, much less, wanted to do and become someone I never thought I could be. Do I regret it? No. My only regrets are the times I didn't trust God, to wait or act exactly as He told me when He told me the first time.
          If this is turns out to be the greatest farce in all of history, it will be sad, yes, but I won't regret a moment. God called me to be His agent in this world and build His kingdom on earth, on based on truth and love. All I have to do is love others and show them kindness even when I'm hated and hurt, be an eager and humble servant no matter my position or "due", have a grateful attitude in all situations even when it seems there's nothing to be thankful for, not worrying about anything but trusting to only concern myself with my part to play. What is there to regret?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Timothy 4:7

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
Philippians 3:12

A few thoughts on Biblical leadership

          I don't really consider myself a leader but today I found myself turning in my application to be on the BCM's leadership team again next year. Still, I just don't see it. This is the despite the fact that I was co-guild leader back in my WoW days, led a family group at Super Summer last year and have been co-leader of the missions team (and so on the BCM leadership team) this past school year. Oh, and I'm studying high school science education. What's up with that?
          The truth is, it's not about me. It's about God and God's people. Just about everyone in the Bible God called on to serve Him were not qualified by the world's standards. They were cowards (like Gideon), from lowly professions (David was a shepherd boy, Rahab was a prostitute) or handicapped (Abraham and Sarah were too old to have children, Moses might have been a stutterer). Much of the time, even they questioned God, "You want to use ME? Do you know who you're asking? I can't do that."
          Yet they did. When they stepped back from seeing their own shortcomings and failures and trusted in God to work, God came through! He did things with and through them that we still marvel at centuries later. A quote I've heard often is: "God doesn't call the equipped but equips the called."
          I've seen this in my own life. At Passion this year, I realized that I feared my problems were too big for God to work out or through. I wanted to let Him do amazing things with and through me but I was so worried I would get in the way and screw it up. All it takes a little reflection, though, to see how God has worked out and through my problems. That's sanctification. There will always an area in which we can grow more like Christ. It's not a bad thing at all. We'll never stop becoming more like Christ yet somehow more like who we were meant to be and I find that amazing.

          So what does it take to be a leader for God? Faith and obedience. Faith is why you trusted in Him in the first place; it's what will help you obey. Sometimes we're told to wait, other times to act. If we just do as He says, He does the rest. He planned for it way in advance!
          Fall of 2011 (see 3rd paragraph), I was itching to act on my faith but I didn't know what. Then Dustin Sams comes to the BCM worship and preaches out of James, faith results in works. He plugs staffing Super Summer and I applied. I'm a sedentary introvert. Why would I go to a camp hosting 2,800 teens, screaming, yelling, dancing and acting like a fool to get them pumped up? I was really anxious right on through the staff training in the days before the camp. But then something happened, I had a break down. It was during the second day of training and prep. I welcomed it. I was crying in the bathroom calling on God to work out of me what needed working out. People kept asking me what was wrong and trying to encourage me. I told them to let it be, it needed to happen.
          For the rest of the camp, I was fine. I was exhausted, losing my voice but I was still cheering, singing and dancing. I was an encouragement to the campers and fellow staffers. I got to know and love my girls, all 24 of them (12 each for the junior and senior camps). Guess what? At the end of the camp, I was crying again. I was exhausted, overwhelmed and it was over. Another staffer at breakfast the next day actually asked me if I was okay because I was so quiet. I had to explain: nothing's wrong, this is the normal me.
          In applying to staff, I was scared out of my wits but I knew God wanted me to do it. I knew I needed a challenge. Even now, I'm still daunted by what I'm being called to, and by the growth I desire and have asked for. Yet, when I've trusted in God and done as He asked, I've experienced amazing things. After faith and obedience, all I really need to be a leader is a love for and desire to serve others. In the end, we're not leaders to lord over subjects and make them do our bidding, we're servants working to build up and equip fellow believers to do and be what God desires (Ephesians 4:11-13). I have that. I can do that. So I will.

Ephesians 3:16-21 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Memories and mulling

          Of all the endings that have occurred in past several weeks, the most sudden and jarring was the end of my friend's life. Cris was a good friend of mine and a brother in Christ. It's weird realizing that I'll not see him again in this life. I'm also confounded by how I'm grieving. I don't really feel as if I am. Sure, I've shed a few tears but no great sobs, constant sniffles or hours of being inconsolable. I'm just not as emotional as some. I try to focus on going about my days like I have been. I get up, go to class, go to lab, do homework, play WoW, go to church and hang out with friends. Distraction makes it easier.
          Then there are times I find myself processing, reliving memories that have faded all too quickly. I have to dig them up, like carrots, and wash the dirt off before I can see them clearly. I often forget where I plant them, it seems. That's frustrating. However, I found a few choice carrots and slowly I brush off the dirt, finding little nuances I'd forgotten.

BeachReach '09
          BeachReach is a lot of things (like a spring break mission trip involving pancakes, sand and reaching the drunken masses of students), for me it was a spiritual honeymoon. Days before I joined other volunteers from the baptist collegiate ministry (BCM) I was involved with at the time on this venture, I made a leap of faith and decided to trust God with my life. Cris was one of the others that went. I didn't really know him until we went on this mission trip. Over that week, we talked and got to know each other better. I was impressed at how diligently he worked, his focus, and his humor. Talking over pancakes, burying himself in the sand, hearing of how well he managed with the call center and getting attacked by his roommates with pillows, the random silliness on the ride back... I was so impressed that I developed an infatuation with him. Looking back, I still ask, "What's not to like? To love?" but I was already dating someone and clearly God had other plans.

Organic Chemistry 2
          The following spring, we were lab partners in a chemistry class. I already love chemistry and labs, the professor is one of my favorites but Cris made that lab so much more enjoyable. I don't know how he put up with me, I often told him he was doing it wrong and did very little work (well, it seems like it looking back) One lab, we didn't have the glass stir rod needed to mix the chemicals together. Cris, the creative problems-solver, decided that an NMR tube was a great alternative. I expressed my hesitation at using it but he insisted it would be fine.

Glass stir rods are cheap and plentiful in most chemical labs.	NMR tubes are less common and far more expensive. That's all that matters to the story.

          The professor walks over and freaks out a little (maybe more than a little) at our using an NMR tube and locates glass stirring rod for us. Naturally, I pointed out that I thought it was a bad idea. It goes without saying I should have gotten a glass stir rod myself. We could have avoided the chiding. We all laughed about it in recent months.
          Another lab probably half way through the semester, Cris expressed surprised at me smiling. I remember asking, "In the past year we've been friends you haven't seen me smile once?" "Nope," he said. I've laughed. Well yes, but not smiled. I'm sure I have and for some reason he never saw, I guess. I can assure you he saw plenty more since then.
          At the end of that semester, I got out early out of a really rough physics test and decided to go watch his group's presentation on a project they'd worked on in another class. I remember coming in when he was getting grilled with questions by our organic chem professor. Cris had been asked to draw the mechanism of a reaction. I saw where he missed an atom coming off (or coming in) and thought "Oh, oh, it's right there, get it!" and silently cheered (in my head) when he got it. I was so proud. After the presentation, he thanked me for showing up, especially since I had a test. (I was going to fail that class anyway, haha).

And time passed
          I'm sorry I didn't keep in regular contact with him the past few months. He was a teaching assistant for one of my labs (the same one that he did a presentation on) but I was more worried about getting the lab done and done right that catching up with him. We ran into each other in the halls of the chemistry building now and then as well as in my few visits to the BCM. We even attended the same conference in October. I remember staying late one day after a lab and talking with Cris and Dr. Mauldin about chemistry and teaching, what we'd learned and our hopes for the future. We can make all the plans we want but sometimes, God says nope, come on home.
          I can't imagine how some of you are feeling; how you're dealing with it. I rest on the simple fact that Cris was a Christian. The proof of his relationship with God was in how he lived his life. I won't ever see him again in this life but I know I'll see him in the next.