Recent Reveries: A Year(ish) In Review

          So much going on in my head! Allow me to dump it out and attempt to share it in an organized fashion. 'Tis the season to reflect, right? Oh, who am I kidding? Do it all the time! Scroll to the bottom for a tl;dr.

Moving and writing
          It's just crazy to think how ten years (and a few months) ago, on my birthday, my family left Oklahoma for Arkansas. I was angry. They took me from everything I'd known and loved for the past six years. I told my parents I would never forgive them. I now know it's one of the best things to happen to me. I was thrown into a deep depression but I was already headed there. Due to the move, I was able to get help.
          I also threw myself into my writing. Pages and pages poured out. It wasn't that good but it was the only place I pour out all my pain and upset. I had no real reason to be depressed, I'd thought, but my characters would. I and the story grew together for many years. As I came out of the darkness and found real joy, the story fell by the wayside. Though never quite forgotten, I felt I had to be in a rather dark place to indulge the thoughts needed to write it.
          Yet, in the past few weeks I'm finding myself talking to the main character again and dreaming of her travels. I see her in a new light. She was always herself but I understand her and her world better now. I'm finding the need to tweak plot details, develop characters in ways I'd never thought of before, excavate themes I didn't realize were buried under it all. Watching the new Hobbit movie (twice!), reading the Chronicles of Narnia (and a handful of other books, fiction and nonfiction), reading about writing, feminism, Christianity, education, psychology, science, and symbolism in movies and books all feeds into this resurrected tale. Yeah, woah.
          I realize now that it will take years to craft the tale to my liking, much less to an editor's. It could be a decade or more, studying the cultural inspirations and psychology of the characters. I'm oddly excited about it. It's like my Sistine Chapel ceiling, it won't be comfortable or easy but it will be worth it. I hope.
          OH! And let me mention the other stories in my head I wish to write: a comic-book like story set mostly in my now beloved Arkansas and a not-too-distant future, a different kind of Little Mermaid story, an anti-undead story in which the few living are rebels in a dead and dying world. Good times. They may not ever see the light of day.

The thing I hated to love talking about
          Love and marriage. I can never quite escape it in my mind, can I? I put much of the blame squarely on God. In the past 18 months I've gone from nearly swearing it off and all but romantic relationships to a healthier acceptance of the fact, you know, I just might get married someday and it might even be kind of amazing. Still, I realize the greatest hindrance is my fear of being hurt.
          It's something I could only have seen in retrospect. My crush-turned-I-think-I'm-going-to-marry-him crazy phase broke me of being so against relationships (among other things). I was afraid to believe the notion that entered my head. It made it easier to let it go in the end. Then I had another (admittedly shallow) crush with someone who did everything right but was very wrong for me. It would have been okay, my crush would have passed as a temporary, suppressed annoyance but then he connected the dots from facebook and returned my interest. /sigh It took months for me not to smile like a fool when we conversed.
          Spring Kaleo conference, joining BCM leadership and especially Super Summer made me realize there are a lot of amazing, Godly, Christ-seeking men out there. From that one crazy crush to now, I realized the kind of man I want, that I need (as far as God has shown me to need and desire) can and probably does exist. I'm also really, really honored to call such men my brothers in Christ. It made me appreciate the Godly men in my life, not just the cute, young guys that happen to be single (they're so much more than that) but also the husbands, fathers, mentors and church leaders. It blows my mind. I trust them. Considering I greatly distrust (and even fear) most men, this is a big deal.
          That doesn't mean I have crush on every single one of the "available" young men among my acquaintances. Yes, several of them are attractive. That's nice. I have a passing interest in a few, but no infatuations. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. The kind of man I want and need has to decide he wants me and chase me. I've decided this. I refuse to chase boys. There are too many variables, like: who would I chase? No. I'm open to a relationship but not actively seeking it. I've better things to do with my time and energy like doing science, reading, maybe writing but most importantly doing what God wants me to do.

But what does God want me to do?
          It's a lifelong quest, divining His will. I'll surely be asking this in six months, six years, and at sixty years old. What am I doing? I'm going to school to be a science teacher to students facing adulthood. I used to think teaching is exactly what I would do and I would stay in Arkansas for the rest of my life (if I could help it). BUT...that one crazy crush. Suddenly, I was open to living abroad and maybe not even teaching or doing science. I'm working on an ESL endorsement, now, though. I'm excited for the possibilities it could open up.
          I no longer have a vision for what my future may hold. There are too many probable paths, I can't see myself following any one in particular. All I know is I can trust His lead.

Finally, as year dies, let me speak of death
          I don't mean to be morbid but life is too fragile and short to live as if I'm immortal and invincible. This is the legacy of my depression and a friend who many feel died far too young. I've already decided, Acts 20:32 must be the first thing said at my memorial/funeral:

And now I entrust you to God and the message of his grace that is able to build you up and give you an inheritance with all those he has set apart for himself. (NLT)

I'm sure that among you there is someone who can unpack that verse and apply it to the context of my memorial. If the organizers can throw in Switchfoot's "Souvenirs" (kind of cliche sounding) and/or "Where I Belong", that'd be cool.
          So, how will I be remembered? What words would I leave to those I love? I would tell them, tell you:

I have loved you with a love I didn't know could be had, that I couldn't contain. I hope you experienced the merest taste of it. What follows is a memorial of my life; a eulogy. "Good words." I certainly hope they are. Now, remember well my example and live how you want to be remembered. Life is too short and fragile to live otherwise.

I want to remembered for sharing God's radical love and being Christ to the world. I wasn't perfect and though I feel I rarely got it right, I always dug in my will and tried again, I kept going. I always sought to be true to myself and to God. Remember me thus.

TL;DR
          I thank my parents for moving us all to Arkansas; it was a major (good) step to what I am today. I may start writing again. I'm finally okay with the idea of marriage. Future is unknown but I trust God. I'm just trying to live my life how I want to be remembered; I hope you will, too.

Memories and mulling

          Of all the endings that have occurred in past several weeks, the most sudden and jarring was the end of my friend's life. Cris was a good friend of mine and a brother in Christ. It's weird realizing that I'll not see him again in this life. I'm also confounded by how I'm grieving. I don't really feel as if I am. Sure, I've shed a few tears but no great sobs, constant sniffles or hours of being inconsolable. I'm just not as emotional as some. I try to focus on going about my days like I have been. I get up, go to class, go to lab, do homework, play WoW, go to church and hang out with friends. Distraction makes it easier.
          Then there are times I find myself processing, reliving memories that have faded all too quickly. I have to dig them up, like carrots, and wash the dirt off before I can see them clearly. I often forget where I plant them, it seems. That's frustrating. However, I found a few choice carrots and slowly I brush off the dirt, finding little nuances I'd forgotten.

BeachReach '09
          BeachReach is a lot of things (like a spring break mission trip involving pancakes, sand and reaching the drunken masses of students), for me it was a spiritual honeymoon. Days before I joined other volunteers from the baptist collegiate ministry (BCM) I was involved with at the time on this venture, I made a leap of faith and decided to trust God with my life. Cris was one of the others that went. I didn't really know him until we went on this mission trip. Over that week, we talked and got to know each other better. I was impressed at how diligently he worked, his focus, and his humor. Talking over pancakes, burying himself in the sand, hearing of how well he managed with the call center and getting attacked by his roommates with pillows, the random silliness on the ride back... I was so impressed that I developed an infatuation with him. Looking back, I still ask, "What's not to like? To love?" but I was already dating someone and clearly God had other plans.

Organic Chemistry 2
          The following spring, we were lab partners in a chemistry class. I already love chemistry and labs, the professor is one of my favorites but Cris made that lab so much more enjoyable. I don't know how he put up with me, I often told him he was doing it wrong and did very little work (well, it seems like it looking back) One lab, we didn't have the glass stir rod needed to mix the chemicals together. Cris, the creative problems-solver, decided that an NMR tube was a great alternative. I expressed my hesitation at using it but he insisted it would be fine.

Glass stir rods are cheap and plentiful in most chemical labs.	NMR tubes are less common and far more expensive. That's all that matters to the story.

          The professor walks over and freaks out a little (maybe more than a little) at our using an NMR tube and locates glass stirring rod for us. Naturally, I pointed out that I thought it was a bad idea. It goes without saying I should have gotten a glass stir rod myself. We could have avoided the chiding. We all laughed about it in recent months.
          Another lab probably half way through the semester, Cris expressed surprised at me smiling. I remember asking, "In the past year we've been friends you haven't seen me smile once?" "Nope," he said. I've laughed. Well yes, but not smiled. I'm sure I have and for some reason he never saw, I guess. I can assure you he saw plenty more since then.
          At the end of that semester, I got out early out of a really rough physics test and decided to go watch his group's presentation on a project they'd worked on in another class. I remember coming in when he was getting grilled with questions by our organic chem professor. Cris had been asked to draw the mechanism of a reaction. I saw where he missed an atom coming off (or coming in) and thought "Oh, oh, it's right there, get it!" and silently cheered (in my head) when he got it. I was so proud. After the presentation, he thanked me for showing up, especially since I had a test. (I was going to fail that class anyway, haha).

And time passed
          I'm sorry I didn't keep in regular contact with him the past few months. He was a teaching assistant for one of my labs (the same one that he did a presentation on) but I was more worried about getting the lab done and done right that catching up with him. We ran into each other in the halls of the chemistry building now and then as well as in my few visits to the BCM. We even attended the same conference in October. I remember staying late one day after a lab and talking with Cris and Dr. Mauldin about chemistry and teaching, what we'd learned and our hopes for the future. We can make all the plans we want but sometimes, God says nope, come on home.
          I can't imagine how some of you are feeling; how you're dealing with it. I rest on the simple fact that Cris was a Christian. The proof of his relationship with God was in how he lived his life. I won't ever see him again in this life but I know I'll see him in the next.