Recent Reveries: A Year(ish) In Review

          So much going on in my head! Allow me to dump it out and attempt to share it in an organized fashion. 'Tis the season to reflect, right? Oh, who am I kidding? Do it all the time! Scroll to the bottom for a tl;dr.

Moving and writing
          It's just crazy to think how ten years (and a few months) ago, on my birthday, my family left Oklahoma for Arkansas. I was angry. They took me from everything I'd known and loved for the past six years. I told my parents I would never forgive them. I now know it's one of the best things to happen to me. I was thrown into a deep depression but I was already headed there. Due to the move, I was able to get help.
          I also threw myself into my writing. Pages and pages poured out. It wasn't that good but it was the only place I pour out all my pain and upset. I had no real reason to be depressed, I'd thought, but my characters would. I and the story grew together for many years. As I came out of the darkness and found real joy, the story fell by the wayside. Though never quite forgotten, I felt I had to be in a rather dark place to indulge the thoughts needed to write it.
          Yet, in the past few weeks I'm finding myself talking to the main character again and dreaming of her travels. I see her in a new light. She was always herself but I understand her and her world better now. I'm finding the need to tweak plot details, develop characters in ways I'd never thought of before, excavate themes I didn't realize were buried under it all. Watching the new Hobbit movie (twice!), reading the Chronicles of Narnia (and a handful of other books, fiction and nonfiction), reading about writing, feminism, Christianity, education, psychology, science, and symbolism in movies and books all feeds into this resurrected tale. Yeah, woah.
          I realize now that it will take years to craft the tale to my liking, much less to an editor's. It could be a decade or more, studying the cultural inspirations and psychology of the characters. I'm oddly excited about it. It's like my Sistine Chapel ceiling, it won't be comfortable or easy but it will be worth it. I hope.
          OH! And let me mention the other stories in my head I wish to write: a comic-book like story set mostly in my now beloved Arkansas and a not-too-distant future, a different kind of Little Mermaid story, an anti-undead story in which the few living are rebels in a dead and dying world. Good times. They may not ever see the light of day.

The thing I hated to love talking about
          Love and marriage. I can never quite escape it in my mind, can I? I put much of the blame squarely on God. In the past 18 months I've gone from nearly swearing it off and all but romantic relationships to a healthier acceptance of the fact, you know, I just might get married someday and it might even be kind of amazing. Still, I realize the greatest hindrance is my fear of being hurt.
          It's something I could only have seen in retrospect. My crush-turned-I-think-I'm-going-to-marry-him crazy phase broke me of being so against relationships (among other things). I was afraid to believe the notion that entered my head. It made it easier to let it go in the end. Then I had another (admittedly shallow) crush with someone who did everything right but was very wrong for me. It would have been okay, my crush would have passed as a temporary, suppressed annoyance but then he connected the dots from facebook and returned my interest. /sigh It took months for me not to smile like a fool when we conversed.
          Spring Kaleo conference, joining BCM leadership and especially Super Summer made me realize there are a lot of amazing, Godly, Christ-seeking men out there. From that one crazy crush to now, I realized the kind of man I want, that I need (as far as God has shown me to need and desire) can and probably does exist. I'm also really, really honored to call such men my brothers in Christ. It made me appreciate the Godly men in my life, not just the cute, young guys that happen to be single (they're so much more than that) but also the husbands, fathers, mentors and church leaders. It blows my mind. I trust them. Considering I greatly distrust (and even fear) most men, this is a big deal.
          That doesn't mean I have crush on every single one of the "available" young men among my acquaintances. Yes, several of them are attractive. That's nice. I have a passing interest in a few, but no infatuations. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. The kind of man I want and need has to decide he wants me and chase me. I've decided this. I refuse to chase boys. There are too many variables, like: who would I chase? No. I'm open to a relationship but not actively seeking it. I've better things to do with my time and energy like doing science, reading, maybe writing but most importantly doing what God wants me to do.

But what does God want me to do?
          It's a lifelong quest, divining His will. I'll surely be asking this in six months, six years, and at sixty years old. What am I doing? I'm going to school to be a science teacher to students facing adulthood. I used to think teaching is exactly what I would do and I would stay in Arkansas for the rest of my life (if I could help it). BUT...that one crazy crush. Suddenly, I was open to living abroad and maybe not even teaching or doing science. I'm working on an ESL endorsement, now, though. I'm excited for the possibilities it could open up.
          I no longer have a vision for what my future may hold. There are too many probable paths, I can't see myself following any one in particular. All I know is I can trust His lead.

Finally, as year dies, let me speak of death
          I don't mean to be morbid but life is too fragile and short to live as if I'm immortal and invincible. This is the legacy of my depression and a friend who many feel died far too young. I've already decided, Acts 20:32 must be the first thing said at my memorial/funeral:

And now I entrust you to God and the message of his grace that is able to build you up and give you an inheritance with all those he has set apart for himself. (NLT)

I'm sure that among you there is someone who can unpack that verse and apply it to the context of my memorial. If the organizers can throw in Switchfoot's "Souvenirs" (kind of cliche sounding) and/or "Where I Belong", that'd be cool.
          So, how will I be remembered? What words would I leave to those I love? I would tell them, tell you:

I have loved you with a love I didn't know could be had, that I couldn't contain. I hope you experienced the merest taste of it. What follows is a memorial of my life; a eulogy. "Good words." I certainly hope they are. Now, remember well my example and live how you want to be remembered. Life is too short and fragile to live otherwise.

I want to remembered for sharing God's radical love and being Christ to the world. I wasn't perfect and though I feel I rarely got it right, I always dug in my will and tried again, I kept going. I always sought to be true to myself and to God. Remember me thus.

TL;DR
          I thank my parents for moving us all to Arkansas; it was a major (good) step to what I am today. I may start writing again. I'm finally okay with the idea of marriage. Future is unknown but I trust God. I'm just trying to live my life how I want to be remembered; I hope you will, too.

Keeping it Simple, Sweetie...but not short

Let's just do a quick list of what's happened in my life this semester. It may not be a short list but if I keep the explanations minimal (or nonexistant) I might be able to touch on everything. Lol.

1. I am a plant. I was a seed, planted long ago. Rising through close darkness, I eventually sprouted, unfurling leaves and soaking up the sun and rain. Now I am in my spring, blooming bright and colorful. I feel I'm finally coming into myself. Soon, the bloom will die away and fruit will grow in its place.
2. I'm much more confident and outgoing this semester.
3. I'm just SO ALIVE. Full bloom, y'all.
4. I've been in the South too long.
5. Some days I drink sweet tea like it's going out of style.
6. I'm in love in with Arkansas, it's beauty both natural and personable. I could live here forever, I think. Even with the humid heat.
7. Christian music might, in part, be responsible for my growth this semester. Mainly Switchfoot.
8. I really do take joy in seeing spiritual growth in others, even if I'm not directly responsible. It makes me so proud. It's encouraging.
9. Desi is moving out. It's kind of sad. After two years, we've grown to such love as sisters in Christ.
10. We've had way more laughs than we probably should have.
11. Yet, I'm glad we are parting. We'll always be friends but God has other plans than us living together.
12. We've sharpened each other (naturally with ample friction and sparks) but we've come away better for it and stronger in our faith (at least for me).
13. I'm okay with being single for....the rest of my life.
14. I'm okay with dating.
15. ...but I still don't think I'm quite ready for a serious relationship.
16. I've learned more about marriage living with Desi than I probably could have any other way (except marriage).
17. People tend to marry those they date. Don't they? (there are exceptions, of course)
18. So why date someone you wouldn't marry? (just sayin' y'all)
19. I probably have too many male friends.
20. A fair amount I might be willing to date (well one date, no promises on second dates).
21. I honestly doubt any would ask me out. (I'm happy with that.)
22. I only desire to be what God would have of me to best serve the Kindgom, married or not.
23. I don't like being friends with many girls because they're annoying and full of drama.
24. Then I realized legit Christian girls are totally awesome.
25. I'm gonna miss D-group.
26. I didn't realize how much I needed that girl-on-girl fellowship.
27. Paul wasn't kidding when he told the Philippians that Christ gives a peace beyond all reason.
28. There are few situations the 4th chapter of Philippians don't apply.
29. The heart of a problem is the key to fixing it.
30. This works with physics and life. (Underlying concept or heart issue)
31. I enjoy doing physics homework.
32. My second research advisor is amusingly absentminded and awkward. Like me.
33. I love having purple hair. It fits that bloom theme.
34. Six months ago, I was excited but mostly nervous about staffing Super Summer Arkansas (I was accepted a couple weeks ago!).
35. Now I'm all excited and feel more able to face the challenge and awesomeness it's sure to be.
36. I'm at peace with being a leader.
37. To me it means doing everything out of love and taking joy in the service.
38. I think the leadership at BCM is simply amazing and way more awesome than me.
39. "It doesn't get better than this!" - Kaleo (ministry leadership conference) speaker. I had great hope when others were groaning. :D
40. Praise the Lord, O my soul...
41. I believe gingers do have souls...
42. ...of FIRE.
43. We all sparkle sometimes.
44. Edward ain't got nothin' on Pillar.
45. I really do love the students in the labs I TA for. I claim them as my own.
46. Realizing one suicide caused me to questions everything and decide teaching was the way to go.
47. Realizing one tragic accident was the catalyst for my involvement in the BCM and my growth there.
48. Wishing death wasn't necessary for life change.
49. Wanting to live like tomorrow isn't coming.
50. I must speak good words and share my love every moment.
51. The legacy I want to leave is Christ and His love.

Can't get away from it

Can't get away from talking about relationships
          As much as I hate talking about love and relationships...I love talking about love and relationships. I suppose as it has as much to do with my aversion (once paper-cut, twice machete-shy) as it does that I'm still working to understand it all. Chances are, I'll never fully realize that understanding. We're defined by our relationships, or lack thereof, whether we like it or not. I realized that in the past year. It keeps coming up; a truth I can't avoid. That's okay with me, though. Self discovery often means stumbling onto familiar paths. I forget what I learn so easily. I forget myself so often. I need the reminders.
          I thought I was okay with being single six months ago but looking back, I really wasn't. I was very anti-relationship, at least romantically, even to the point of feeling antagonistic towards some of those those that were in such relationships. That's not healthy. I'm starting to see them in a healthier light but I still feel very jaded to the poor imitations that the world would push upon us. Since August, I've been a shown a clearer picture of what I need in a husband and I've discovered more of what exactly it is that I want.

Maturity and marriage
          Just in the past week or so, I'm seeing a theme among Christian married couples: they had gotten to the point where they okay with being single; basically saying, "Okay, God, it's just you and me; I wouldn't have it any other way." That's hit home for me. I want to be there; it seems to be a mark of maturity, something attainable with God's help. If I reach that point, I could be single my whole life but maybe (just maybe) I'd meet my husband.
          That isn't to say I want it so I can marry (lol). I'd decided last fall that the point of my life is to glorify God and further his kingdom. To that end only would I marry, that clearly more could be accomplished in a covenant marriage relationship than I or my husband could do alone (perhaps even with others). I find that beautiful (some of you are shaking your head, I'm sure, lol) but really, what else is there? I find no greater joy than what I have in the Lord.

What I desire in a mate
          So what exactly do I need and want in a husband? [assuming I marry] I need man who is serious about his faith and earnestly seeking after God. I need someone who is like Christ: patient, truthful and kind; joyful but focused, passionate and wise. Someone who sees the best in me, will hold me accountable to a higher standard and believe that I can achieve it, will steady me when I stumble and calm my stormy seas, lift me up when I am depressed, move me when I can't move myself. That is the man I need, as long as he has these attributes the rest doesn't matter.
          I want [in descending importance] a man who is sensible and intelligent. I don't care what he does as long as he loves it. A nerd/geek would be nice, he doesn't necessarily have to nerd out over science, computers, math or games; it can be literature, music, paintings or politics. Physically, I find glasses very attractive but (again) not necessary; as long as it's a healthy range I don't really care about weight. I tell myself I prefer blondes but I've found myself attracted to men with darker hair more often than not. It'd be kind of cool to marry someone who speaks Spanish but if nothing else, my mother will teach it to her grandchildren (I made her promise to speak only Spanish to them).

Okay, okay! I'll finish up
          Do I know any men that fit my criteria? I might know a few. All of the criteria? I can't say without knowing them better. I guess I should befriend them or maybe even (gasp) date. :P That's another funny thing. I'm noticing guys a lot more. There are few in which I passing interest and one I'm becoming properly attracted to. Who? Don't worry yourself. I don't take my crushes seriously and neither should you. If there is something to be serious about, I trust God to be in it every step of the way. I already have a spiritual relationship advisory team put together in my head: the first three people I know that know me and I can trust to give Godly counsel in wisdom, truth and love. Then, maybe, I'll talk to you. :P

5 Love Songs That Don't Annoy Me

          It seems most of the so-called love songs out there are sappy/needy or hypersexual. It was tough but with a little thought, I was able to come up with five. These are all songs I personally like. I tried to pick different artists and I think they're all from somewhat different genres, as well. So here they are:

5. Giving Up by Ingrid Michaelson
          At first listen, it seems a rather melancholy song but it's more optimistic than you would think. It's a series of "What if..." questions. This one's fun, peppered with whimsical lyrics in between deeper questions: "What if there's always cups in the sink?/What if I'm not what you think/I am?" I think she's giving up wondering, worrying, guessing and divining all the things that could go wrong with the relationship and trusting her lover instead.

4. A Message by Coldplay
          Naturally, there would be a Coldplay song on the list. Haha! A Message claims from the first phrase, "My song is love." It expresses it such simple and straightforward lyrics. The best part though, is the in chorus. It's unrepentant and unabashed love. "And I'm not gonna take it back./And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that./You're the target that I'm aimin' at./Gotta get my message home."

3. Falling for You by Seabird
          I don't think Seabird is that well known. It's a shame if that's true, though, because their music is fantastic. Like Switchfoot, they could have broad appeal but their lyrics have Christian overtones that encourage fellow believers. I digress. Fallin' is a bright sunrise on a beach you didn't even know you were standing on. It's a little like "A Message" in its honest confession but more of a wide-eyed first love feel. It's glorious as that sunrise and as wondrous, too. "I'm fallin', I'm fallin' for you/Oh daring, it's finally true/And I won't let your heart turn to stone/'Cause when I found you my heart found a home."

2. Satellite by Guster
          I can't finish this list without a nerdy love song. (I suppose I could have mentioned MC Chris's Nrrrd Grrrl but I don't love it like this one.) It has a great spacy feel with the electronic instrumentations. "Shining like a work of art/Hanging on a wall of stars./Are you what I think you are?//You're my satellite/You're riding with me tonight/Passenger side, lighting the sky/Always the first star that I find..." With such adoring, rather poetic (and nerdy) lyrics like that, it's a hard song to beat. However, there's one more...

1. Collide by Jon Foreman (lead singer of Switchfoot)
          This was the only recording I could find on youtube of this song, it starts about a minute in. I was there when he played this song during an aftershow in October. It was a handful of loyal fans, Jon, a guitar and the chilly midnight air. It was so beautiful and totally worth the wait in the cold late at night. There's a purity of emotion in his music and it's especially true of this song. These lyrics seem born of a love nurtured over a lifetime. Love isn't always easy but if it's true, if you're true, you'll work at it. "We've had our disagreements/Our separate points of view/The thread that runs between us/Could be the thread that pulls us through."

          Maybe that's why I love that last song so much: it's genuine and realistic. I know I seem really jaded when it comes to love but maybe this gives you a better idea of how I see it. I'm not romantic by most people's standards but I appreciate real love, true love, God's love.

Thoughts on marriage and life

Not an El Salvador Travel Diary--Sorry!           God has this tendency to teach me things in an interesting way. The lessons learned take up an entire school semester and their purpose is only apparent in retrospect. The pieces of the puzzle are given in a seemingly random order and the complete picture often comes together in an instant. The a-ha! moment occurred only in the last week or so. I don't know the exact moment it happened or even the day, but suddenly there it was, like a newly published book on my shelf, already thoroughly read and studied. It's confounding.
          So what was last semester's revelation(s)? The first one (and probably the most important) is I fell into the pit known as "presumption of God's will". Now, you may want something very much and believe very strongly that it should happen or you should have it. If it's not God's will no amount of bull-headed belief, or misnamed "faith", will make it true. I firmly believed for much of last semester I was going to marry a certain man. He is certainly someone worth liking and has been a wonderful brother in Christ but I can't say he's my future husband with any certainty. Throughout the whole ordeal, I prayed that God's will be done, not mine. Even when I gave in to the idea, I still fought it and tested it. In the end, it came up empty. As much as I took it to heart I let it go so easily, you almost couldn't notice.
          That's not to say good did not come from it. I'm seeing a lot of good. The lesson of "don't presume God's will" was a hard-earned piece of wisdom cemented by reading Isaiah 30:1 (there are plenty more verses, I'm sure). It made me aware of the influence of others on me and pointed out the need to address that poor influence, as subtle as it was (yet powerful). I'm now more determined to trust my intuition more than others' advice. More often than not (but not 100% of the time, don't mistake me) the former is accumulated wisdom and the Holy Spirit whispering to me and the latter very audibly expressed ideas that may even be good but not for me or my situation. 1 John 4:1 is a nice place to start.
          The man I thought I'd marry? Proof of concept: many of the traits God has told me I need in a husband (and so I've come to desire) can and do exist in a single person. I find great comfort in that. I now know exactly who my husband is in character and to some extent what his personality may be but the face he wears and history he bears I do not know. This has prompted me to specifically ask that God work in me to be the woman he wants me to be. If I am to marry, may I be a wife worthy of the husband I desire. Even then, I would only marry someone because together we could accomplish more for the Kingdom than either of us could apart. If it is not to benefit of the Kingdom, then why would I marry? Why would I want to? I have my friends and spiritual family. In Christ, I am made complete (This I found lots for, haha: Ephesians 3:19; Philippians 1:4-6; Colossians 2:10; Colossians 2:2; James 1:4).
          That feels like a lot densely packed into only a few paragraphs. Maybe I didn't give full expression to it.../shrug What I've learned will hopefully be of use to you, my friends, and that alone would make it all worth it. I've already seen it give comfort to another in an entirely different situation. It's hard to say how this will affect things in the future but I know there may yet be more to learn and apply from this experience.

Ruminations

          Much has happened in the last month. It's all a blur with islands of sharply rendered memories. It would be overwhelming if not for my usual tactic of burying everything deeply. In time and pieces it will all return, like seeds that sprout or moths from cocoons, not looking much like what preceded but coming from it all the same. In short, my car died, I went on a ten-day trip to El Salvador, I read The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings series (including the appendices at the end of the third book) during that trip and now I wait in Texas for another car to hopefully be ready in time for school (which starts Thursday).
          In El Salvador we visited a couple beaches, visited ruins, got sick for a few days, endured a couple parties with extended relatives...so many relatives (tens of people) in El Salvador and I only caught a few names; I remember less. It was overwhelming, especially for an introvert like me. I was confronted yet again with the peculiarity of my nature, how people don't understand it and make wildly inaccurate assumptions about me. It's frustrating. A more comical example being the assumption that I eat one large serving of vegetables once or twice month when in truth I may have multiple servings a meal and start to go crazy if I don't consume any for more than 4-5 days (which happened). I don't think I'll be able to endure even the smell of pupusas and beans for a long time.
          When I get back home to Arkansas, I'll give a fuller account of the trip with pictures. It wasn't all bad. I actually loved it but getting sick soured my outlook and once I started to recover I was quite ready to go home. The profound unfamiliarity of it all was weighing heavily on me by that point. Such is life I suppose, it isn't always sunny beaches and laughing with family. I learned a lot about my heritage and subsequently about myself. Perhaps I will share some of that with you in my trip diaries. For now, I miss you all and look forward to seeing you again as well as a new semester.
          Love and blessings upon you,           
Mishal