Recent Reveries: A Year(ish) In Review

          So much going on in my head! Allow me to dump it out and attempt to share it in an organized fashion. 'Tis the season to reflect, right? Oh, who am I kidding? Do it all the time! Scroll to the bottom for a tl;dr.

Moving and writing
          It's just crazy to think how ten years (and a few months) ago, on my birthday, my family left Oklahoma for Arkansas. I was angry. They took me from everything I'd known and loved for the past six years. I told my parents I would never forgive them. I now know it's one of the best things to happen to me. I was thrown into a deep depression but I was already headed there. Due to the move, I was able to get help.
          I also threw myself into my writing. Pages and pages poured out. It wasn't that good but it was the only place I pour out all my pain and upset. I had no real reason to be depressed, I'd thought, but my characters would. I and the story grew together for many years. As I came out of the darkness and found real joy, the story fell by the wayside. Though never quite forgotten, I felt I had to be in a rather dark place to indulge the thoughts needed to write it.
          Yet, in the past few weeks I'm finding myself talking to the main character again and dreaming of her travels. I see her in a new light. She was always herself but I understand her and her world better now. I'm finding the need to tweak plot details, develop characters in ways I'd never thought of before, excavate themes I didn't realize were buried under it all. Watching the new Hobbit movie (twice!), reading the Chronicles of Narnia (and a handful of other books, fiction and nonfiction), reading about writing, feminism, Christianity, education, psychology, science, and symbolism in movies and books all feeds into this resurrected tale. Yeah, woah.
          I realize now that it will take years to craft the tale to my liking, much less to an editor's. It could be a decade or more, studying the cultural inspirations and psychology of the characters. I'm oddly excited about it. It's like my Sistine Chapel ceiling, it won't be comfortable or easy but it will be worth it. I hope.
          OH! And let me mention the other stories in my head I wish to write: a comic-book like story set mostly in my now beloved Arkansas and a not-too-distant future, a different kind of Little Mermaid story, an anti-undead story in which the few living are rebels in a dead and dying world. Good times. They may not ever see the light of day.

The thing I hated to love talking about
          Love and marriage. I can never quite escape it in my mind, can I? I put much of the blame squarely on God. In the past 18 months I've gone from nearly swearing it off and all but romantic relationships to a healthier acceptance of the fact, you know, I just might get married someday and it might even be kind of amazing. Still, I realize the greatest hindrance is my fear of being hurt.
          It's something I could only have seen in retrospect. My crush-turned-I-think-I'm-going-to-marry-him crazy phase broke me of being so against relationships (among other things). I was afraid to believe the notion that entered my head. It made it easier to let it go in the end. Then I had another (admittedly shallow) crush with someone who did everything right but was very wrong for me. It would have been okay, my crush would have passed as a temporary, suppressed annoyance but then he connected the dots from facebook and returned my interest. /sigh It took months for me not to smile like a fool when we conversed.
          Spring Kaleo conference, joining BCM leadership and especially Super Summer made me realize there are a lot of amazing, Godly, Christ-seeking men out there. From that one crazy crush to now, I realized the kind of man I want, that I need (as far as God has shown me to need and desire) can and probably does exist. I'm also really, really honored to call such men my brothers in Christ. It made me appreciate the Godly men in my life, not just the cute, young guys that happen to be single (they're so much more than that) but also the husbands, fathers, mentors and church leaders. It blows my mind. I trust them. Considering I greatly distrust (and even fear) most men, this is a big deal.
          That doesn't mean I have crush on every single one of the "available" young men among my acquaintances. Yes, several of them are attractive. That's nice. I have a passing interest in a few, but no infatuations. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut. The kind of man I want and need has to decide he wants me and chase me. I've decided this. I refuse to chase boys. There are too many variables, like: who would I chase? No. I'm open to a relationship but not actively seeking it. I've better things to do with my time and energy like doing science, reading, maybe writing but most importantly doing what God wants me to do.

But what does God want me to do?
          It's a lifelong quest, divining His will. I'll surely be asking this in six months, six years, and at sixty years old. What am I doing? I'm going to school to be a science teacher to students facing adulthood. I used to think teaching is exactly what I would do and I would stay in Arkansas for the rest of my life (if I could help it). BUT...that one crazy crush. Suddenly, I was open to living abroad and maybe not even teaching or doing science. I'm working on an ESL endorsement, now, though. I'm excited for the possibilities it could open up.
          I no longer have a vision for what my future may hold. There are too many probable paths, I can't see myself following any one in particular. All I know is I can trust His lead.

Finally, as year dies, let me speak of death
          I don't mean to be morbid but life is too fragile and short to live as if I'm immortal and invincible. This is the legacy of my depression and a friend who many feel died far too young. I've already decided, Acts 20:32 must be the first thing said at my memorial/funeral:

And now I entrust you to God and the message of his grace that is able to build you up and give you an inheritance with all those he has set apart for himself. (NLT)

I'm sure that among you there is someone who can unpack that verse and apply it to the context of my memorial. If the organizers can throw in Switchfoot's "Souvenirs" (kind of cliche sounding) and/or "Where I Belong", that'd be cool.
          So, how will I be remembered? What words would I leave to those I love? I would tell them, tell you:

I have loved you with a love I didn't know could be had, that I couldn't contain. I hope you experienced the merest taste of it. What follows is a memorial of my life; a eulogy. "Good words." I certainly hope they are. Now, remember well my example and live how you want to be remembered. Life is too short and fragile to live otherwise.

I want to remembered for sharing God's radical love and being Christ to the world. I wasn't perfect and though I feel I rarely got it right, I always dug in my will and tried again, I kept going. I always sought to be true to myself and to God. Remember me thus.

TL;DR
          I thank my parents for moving us all to Arkansas; it was a major (good) step to what I am today. I may start writing again. I'm finally okay with the idea of marriage. Future is unknown but I trust God. I'm just trying to live my life how I want to be remembered; I hope you will, too.

Impressions

[Have you ever been going about your business and all of a sudden there's this explosion and you're left dazed, wondering what happened? It was like that. After an earthquake, it's best to get away from the rubble and gas leaks before an aftershock strikes.] Anyway, I have something more interesting to talk about anyway, school!
          So the first couple of days were great. I spend Wednesday writing notes for organic from the powerpoint the instructor. Oh thank God for internet and blackboard! Thursday was the start of classes. I got up early and met with a professor before class to talk about my job (going to be a TA for a couple of his labs this semester). The meeting was only about 10 minutes so I was half an hour early for my first class of the day (organic). I was pleased to learn there are about four people in that class I know. I immediately noticed a problem though, sitting next to one of my buddies has made me more talkative (it's related to the class but still not needed). I don't want to be a disruption in the class, otherwise I'll get on the instructor's bad side (do not want!). I actually like this instructor, he's energetic and clearly loves what he's doing. He checks often for understanding and as a result (at least in my opinion) his class moves along faster than the others. We usually end up a chapter ahead of them.
          My next class was (I want to say learning and development) classroom management. This is another good instructor. He taught junior high english for a few years. I had learning and development with him last spring and it was a great class. This will be 4000 (senior) level course but I'm not too worried about it. He doesn't make it too hard to make a B or even an A but we still learn a lot and are challenged throughout the course.
          There was an amusing moment in that class. We did an exercise where we had to walk around the room and talk at the same time; choosing three things to say about ourselves from a short, fun questionnaire we were given. The guy who went before me decided to go with the "I think ______ is overrated." line as of his three things. He chose science. I was going to say "I have never been [skydiving] but want to some day." but a few others had chosen that as well. Instead I went with the subject area and grade level(s): chemistry, 11th-12th grades because [blah blah blah]. We all had a good laugh. I really need to talk to that guy and help set him straight on his science literacy. Scientists are not full of themselves, thinking they know it all. We're not like that. Granted, we know more than you (lol) but we're fully aware that there's so much more to discover and that what we think we know and understand could be turned on its head with the next publication.
          Moving on: university physics I (again). This time is a different instructor. I actually had him for Descriptive Astronomy last year. I really liked that class; I learned a lot about celestial objects and what we know about our universe. It was easy, but then again it only required algebra, not calculus. His style is a bit different from the instructor I had last semester but I think I like it. The class is small, we only have 1 lab and about 30 people. He didn't use a powerpoint presentation for the first session but he didn't really need one. Now lab reports are a bit different, he doesn't want them written quite the same way as we did with the other professor. It's simpler but seems to convey just as much information. I like that. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm saying...
          The only class I haven't been to yet is Organic Spectroscopy. It's taught by the same professor whose labs I'm working.
          Okay, well I've avoided productive work long enough. Need to catch up on being ahead. If I finish early enough, I might play some World of Warcraft. :P

School Diaries Jun 7, 2009

          So my first week of summer school was interesting. My roommate and I seem to getting along. If it continues like this, then my first experience with having a roommate will not be unpleasant. We'll see, I guess. We're very different. She's more outgoing and worldly. I'm fairly sheltered and inexperienced. She has some mild guy stuff going on. I'm kind of interested to see how it works out. Hopefully for the best.
          Yet, I still have some things to complain about (but no my roommate) here on campus. First, the cafeteria: it sucks. It's not exactly a five-star dining experience during the regular school year but this last week was a new low. Breakfast is only the comfort line and the biscuits with gravy station. They don't keep cereal and there's no muffins or pastries. They severely cut back on their hours, making it very inconvenient to actually use up my meals for the month.
          Boys State was held on campus. I thought it was a band thing but apparently it's an experience in government or something. It was entertaining to have all those high school juniors on campus. Without the kids campus would have felt so empty. Also, it was nice to think that I had their attention, if only in passing. lol. It's only natural for them to look at college girls, right?
          Saturday I went back to the town where my family used to live here in Arkansas (my brother's girlfriend is here too). She got me an appointment at the salon she works at. It took about two hours but my hair got trimmed and now sports high-lights and low-lights. I wasn't two minutes back on the highway when my tire blew out. I didn't here it go but I did hear the flat rolling against the asphalt at sixty miles an hour. Believe me, it's not a sound you want to hear. I got off the highway and was able to pull into a tiny used car lot. The owner was getting some business so it took him about half an hour before he could help me. My tire was shredded. I was able to drive back to school on the spare. Most of the way is 70mph zone but I went sixty with my emergency lights on so people wouldn't get too annoyed with me going to slow. I called my dad, apparently the tires are about ten years old so they need replacing. I'm going to call the dealer tomorrow to order new tires. The car is over twenty years old so it might be difficult to get tires for it from other sources. Hopefully I'll get them on the car by Friday. This coming Saturday, I'm heading up to see Derek for the day. I might say hi to my brother since he has a test and I wouldn't want to bother him (too much).
          I'm looking forward to my class this week. I think should I should stop wasting time though and do some homework. ^^;

And then summer really began

          Whew! So yesterday we drove up from Texas to my brother's apartment near his campus. Ten hours is always a tiring ride (must have been worse for my dad driving it). We picked up my small fridge that we left with him and went to the grand opening Mexican restaurant that was within walking distance of his place. His girlfriend and his roommate joined me and my dad. The food was awesome but the Mariachi band was a little louder than conversation could overcome. Afterward we went back to the apartment and had some desert (brownie, strawberry cake, "cookie" cake made with yellow butter batter and chocolate chips). I suggested they try the demo for Mirror's Edge, it took a good 15-20 minutes to download and install (bleh). I'm not so sure they liked it though. Oh well.
          This morning I had a couple pastries and a blueberry mini-muffin from the continental breakfast at the hotel we were staying at. I was hoping to see Derek before leaving but my parents decided to leave early when I stated my intention of trying to get in touch with him. It upset me but I kept thinking on the scenic drive down that I could have sent him a message the night before to confirm or cancel any plans for the morning.
          My room for summer is small and I'm sharing with another girl. We bunked our beds to make more room. It looks kind of nice now. The bathroom isn't so great though. We share it with another pair of girls on the other side of it. We haven't seen them yet but they left little room for us to put our stuff in there. I managed to fit everything in my closet so it's okay. I can take it in there with me as I need. I just hope I deal well with having a roommate for the first time. Ever. Unless you count my brother from when we were really young. XP

Why the name, an introduction, and to new beginnings

Why "Of Rain and Orchids"
          It's raining outside; of course. I love my new orchid. I love orchids. Roses are pretty and carnations are nice but orchids are truly things of beauty. Exotic in shape and color, I'm just drawn to them. Hence the title. I made a header for this blog but until the creator of the stock I used okays it, it can only be seen in my deviantART gallery (see right).

An Introduction
          There are those of who you know my real name; to those of you who do not you may call me Michelle. My general online alias is Koneko Decaelum. Koneko is Japanese for kitten. Decaelum is Latin and means "of heaven". I am also on Facebook and deviantART (I highly encourage you check out my page and gallery).
          I am a junior in college and this is my fourth year of school. I have an associate of arts from a junior college not too far from where I now attend. I was originally a psychology major. Upon transferring I changed it to Chemistry and Secondary Physical/Earth Science Education. I hope to teach high school chemistry.
          If nothing else, I strive to live in truth and love. If you live by those two simple principles you may yet live a long and happy life without regrets. 1 John is my favorite book of the Bible and speaks to me and my nature.

To New Beginnings
          Finals are coming; they're next week in fact. It's a great relief to think the semester about over but I'm a little sad, too. I've made some wonderful friends this semester and grown closer to the ones I've had. I've met two wonderful young men. One I dated and other I should have (I may discuss this later). I've learned many new things and others I have been reminded of. There are things I wonder if I'll ever learn. I will face the coming week with hope and determination. Then I pack and retreat home for a few weeks before I must return for summer class.