Song of the moment: Falling For You by Seabird
It's is certainly now fall in the great state of Arkansas. I don't like the cold; I much prefer the heat. When you can no longer take off anymore layers you go inside, break out the water in the form of swimming or water war. Everything is green, you're not in school, you can eat neon colored frozen sugar water and watermelon and there's cookouts.
Fall? Well, it is easier to dress modestly. I don't understand the girls that can be half-naked in such freezing weather. Even in the summer, though, the sun is rather unkind to that which I prefer to keep under wraps. I digress, more reasons to love the cooler weather: I can wear leggings with skirts and shorts! I get to wear fuzzy boots. I love my fuzzy boots. I can play with layers in my clothing....it's awesome. What else? Egg nog is now in season. Some of you may shudder at the viscosity and calories but I like it. The colors are just as vibrant as in the spring and the promise of holidays with family and friends beckon.
So what have I been up to? A lot and not very much all once. I've always seen myself as a bundle of seeming contradictions but we can talk about that another time. I dropped physics 2. Of all my priorities, it always came up last and there was no place I was willing to budge to make time to study for it. I think attending church here in Conway, the Spanish and Wednesday services in Maumelle, the Truth Project and Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) were totally worth dropping physics for. Go ahead and question my priorities. I have no regrets. I've been focusing on maturing in my faith and church 5 times a week certainly isn't hurting. Yet...I've been wanting something more lately. All this learning is wonderful but what good is it if I don't do anything with it? Sure, I'm doing some things, even if it's just loving on fellow believers and trying to be light to those around me but I need to do more. I feel like a car with a tank almost full, now I just need to be driven somewhere...maybe lots of places!
So what am I going to do? I don't even know. I'm praying about going on a mission trip over spring break with the BCM. Yesterday I learned about Super Summer Arkansas and got really excited. Maybe I can do that? I've wanted to work at a summer camp for a while now (science or church would be fine with me). One of the recruiters, Dustin Sams, talked a little about works born of faith and it resonated with my desire go out and do things. A camp for junior and senior high students seems ideal considering I'll be qualified to teach 7th-12th when I finally graduate. It would force me to be more outgoing. I've been getting better about being more outgoing but this would take me out of my comfort zone and I'd sink or swim. It wouldn't be simply being outgoing either. I honestly believe it could help with my faith in general to become more of a leader and I don't even know what kind of awesomeness.
So, I filled out an interview application and was interviewed. If I wasn't so nervous I would have thought to ask more questions about what exactly I'd be doing as either administrative staff or possibly a small group leader. I suppose I'll find out if (and hopefully when) I get accepted and go to camp. That's the thing though, I feel a bit apprehensive about all this. It's not that I have anything to hide but I do feel so young in my faith. I'm filling out the online portion of the application today (even as I write this) and the questions that are asked leave me wondering how they'll see me. As the thought harasses me I think of what I've been telling myself: I need to remember Christ-esteem. He sees me as what I can be, the mold he created for me and I'm growing into. I know that as a teacher I learn from my students just as much, if not more than, they learn from me. Sometimes I fail...a lot. It happens but God's grace is sufficient. Every time I fall, he lifts me up and we continue walking together. I, of all people, should know just how merciful our God is.
As much I feel "I want to grow up now!" I know I can't rush it. I see my friends (most of whom are younger than me) as these spiritual giants doing things for God and displaying knowledge I just don't have. I have to keep reminding myself of what one of them told me once: we are all at different stages of conviction. I can only view it as an encouragement to what God is making me to be. These friends do see the growth in me, growth I've felt. I must keep that Kingdom focus, seeking after God's will and praying that I will always be maturing in Christ as the Spirit leads.
So now what? I don't know what future holds. I used to have a vague idea but now it's entirely hidden from my view. I used to think I'd graduate and begin teaching. I probably would not leave Arkansas. I don't see that now. I don't even know if I'll be teaching. I would laugh heartily if I married and then found myself in a foreign country with the job of stay-at-home mom. I'd be okay with that. The irony would be too much. I do know, though, that where I am and whatever I do I will find joy in it. As long as I pursue my relationship with God, he will give me the desire of my heart...which I've given up fighting and am now praying he conforms it to his will.
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