This semester has brought some interesting challenges and insights in most areas of my life. Let's start with school.
I'm not taking any education courses but watching the professors for my classes, teaching the labs I TA for and even a little in research I'm still picking up things. Mainly it's seeing what a good teacher looks like in action. It's encouraging.
Dr. Kelley is kind of crazy but she's cool. She really forces you to apply the knowledge you're supposed to be learning. However, I'm...failing her class. I just don't know how to study. It's all descriptive and there's no homework. I'm terrible at memorizing stuff. In that sense it's like biology, which I hate with a passion. Maybe I should ask the students that are doing well how they study...I'm figuring out how to put together my minireview. If I can do okay on that, the rest of the tests and do well on the case studies I could pass. Maybe.
Physics is much better. When I took it a year ago I was convicted of the fact that I could've had a good grade if I'd studied. This semester is proof of that. I have a mid to high B according to my calculations. I do fairly well on the homework and keeping up with labs; my first test was an A and I feel I did at least a B job on the second (I should find out this coming week).
As usual, I love being a TA. Mondays are bit more gophering and babysitting but it's cool to see the students do labs I've worked on in research. Wednesdays are a test, to be sure. I don't know if it's the students, the instructor's classroom management style/philosophy is different from mine or both but it's a very draining two hours. Thursdays are great, though. Once again, I see the professor's emotional investment in his students. He is genuinely upset when students don't do well. He wants them to do well. I understand his pain. I feel it when there's a streak of poor answers in the labs I grade. I want to cry, I sometimes laugh and I get exhausted. Despite the drawbacks, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
On the spiritual front, had a bit of a scrape. A couple Wednesdays ago, had a conversation after church that left me feeling we'd made the enemy angry. Later, when I tried to get to bed, I wasn't allowed to. It took some serious prayer, reading of the Bible, and singing, all with Desi's help, for it to go away. It wasn't fun. On the good side of things, God's keeping me fairly sane about life in general. School isn't overwhelming (yeah, yeah, it's only two classes but with the three labs my days can fill up pretty easily).
God's definitely been working on my heart. He told me to cut off a false hope I was imparting to dear friend. I love how I've prayed a few times for God to take my heart and seal it, now I just don't care about dating at all. I figure God will prompt me to open my heart at the right time. I also pour a lot of love into my friends. They take care of me and I do what I can for them. It's how being single should be. It's not lonely by any means. It's full of love and joy and caring for each other.
I think I know myself pretty well, but I keep learning more things. I suppose I'll never completely understand myself. I'm okay with that. I really need to figure out when it's okay to brush off others' (I think) overly emotional reactions to things I say/do and when I should address them. Let's just be honest here: I'm blunt. Sometimes that offends people. I often don't mean anything one way or the other, but people (mainly...never mind) often misunderstand my meaning. It's difficult for me to predict when something will elicit a negative reaction. It's rather frustrating. Having a strong thinking preference with little knowledge of (or even caring about) about social conventions and taboos can be an impediment.
Desi posited an idea that I did not immediately answer: maybe I'm afraid of emotion. We were talking about fears, real fear, not like my deep hatred of spiders but of failure or rejection, something like that. I mentioned that I couldn't think of one. I'm sure I have them but even now I cannot think of any. So I ask you, do you think I fear having emotions? Perhaps I fear romantic relationships? Ian had mentioned that it's great and all that I'm called to be single for the moment but not to bash those wanting to be with someone.
I don't think I'm against relationships and feelings. There is a time and place for them. I embrace the emotions I feel are appropriate. I may not be as expressive as my roommate but I feel every bit as intensely if not more so. When it comes to relationships I advocate calculated risk-taking. Don't be afraid of a negative answer to a query for affection but know what it is you truly want from the relationship. It is what you think need or is it truly something you can pour yourself into? I don't want to be in a relationship if I'm not all in.
Well, I'm rambling. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
TL;DR Biochem is kicking my butt. Physics is getting pwned. TAing is still awesome but tiring. Am I afraid of my own emotions? Maybe, but still waters run deep. Am I against relationships? Go for it, so long as your motives are pure. It's just not the right time for me.
