Happiness

          Last night Grace had a spa party. A Mrs. Sebrena Coleman and walked us through some lovely treatments. It was wonderful to spend a night with friends, having some girl time together. It really was a relaxing experience. This morning I woke up to sunshine and I just thanked God for it. I feel so relaxed and at peace with a calm energy. I can't remember the last time I felt like this.
          What is interesting, though, is what woke me up. I was must have been dreaming but as soon as I was conscious there was this melody in my head. It was melancholy but promised to be brighter. I instantly knew it was Ka'ne's theme from Ka'ne-Yuri. After nine years of learning about her life and her world, this song revealed itself to me. It's lovely. It would break your heart. Right now, an orchestra is playing. The strings are on the main melody. Low brass gives depth. Woodwinds vary the color. There's more going on, I'll have to listen to it more to find it all. The virtual piano software I have is helping to compose but I need a real piano so I can play more than one note at a time and explore this song more fully.
          Anyway, I'm looking forward to the Halloween festivities with my dear friends tonight. I may post something about it next week.

When Satan attacks, or how I regained my sanity (for the moment)

          I'm better today than I have been in a while. I've been struggling with procrastination and its consequences on my school life. I know exactly what I need to do, I have for some time. The content is not hard, it just requires work. They say knowing is half the battle, acting on it is a major part of the other half to be sure. I've always had a problem with procrastination. I remember my mom getting on to me about keeping up with the homework I had when I was in elementary school.
          I finally realized last night Satan is just trying to bring me down by working on that weakness. Telling me I'm a failure, lazy and hopeless. Reminding me about how if I don't pass, my dad always bring up cost of taking those courses over again. Or when I get just a C my dad basically tells me only the mediocre do so badly. Satan must really not want me to become a teacher if he's getting this desperate.
          Nothing other than becoming a teacher makes sense. All this makes me even more determined now, more evidence that this is what God wants me to do. I just have remind myself that my dad (and God) only want what's best for me, for me to do well and my dad do want to be a good steward of your money (not that I make it easy). That God doesn't want me to fail. He gave me this love of science and the passion for teaching.
          For those of you that were/are: Thanks for praying. Please continue to pray, specifically that I keep perspective and trust in God.

Drowning in a puddle

          There's been a decline in my disposition over the past few days. It could be the turning of the seasons, the return of rain and clouds, almost anything. After so many years suffering from it, I've learned to recognize the symptoms of depression when they emerge. Right now it's mild-moderate yet pervasive. It usually starts with a lack of motivation. I just don't have the strength to go on. Then it sinks into hopelessness and I can feel myself going down.
          I feel like I'm drowning in a puddle. I only have to get up but I seem unable to lift myself enough to breathe. Procrastination is something I struggle with every semester and every semester I lose. I'd already reached the point where it doesn't even bother me anymore. Now I just don't care; I actively avoid my studies now. I've resigned myself to complacency and only wish to get away from it all.
          I would reach out to my friends but what I need is a taskmaster, someone to light a fire under me and make me do what needs to be done. They are not my parents, they are not my babysitters. I'm an adult, they shouldn't have to take that kind of responsibility. I'm seriously considering dropping out. I wonder if maybe this isn't where God wants me to be but it doesn't make sense.
          It's like a physics problem. I'm a Mac truck on a three-mile-high cliff, in physics that would be huge potential. I want to roll forward and take full advantage of it but the friction is too great so I go nowhere.
          Help me...

Strings around my heart

          There was a Stargate Universe watch party last night. Matt made tres leche cake with vanilla frosting and brownies. The food was to die for. There were a lot of people that showed up, it wouldn't have been anywhere near as fun to watch alone. We had Drew, Grace, Ali and Aaron, Caleb, Max, Matt, Katie and Grant (not the same Katie as my brother's g/f), Trevor, and Ian showed up later. All that nerdiness in one room, it was awesome. We all played some Smash Bros. for the Wii. I failed but it was fun anyway. :D
          The show itself wasn't bad. It'll take some time to get used to the new characters. It was kind of funny, I let out a girly squeal when General O'Neill showed up. After the show we hung out for a while and screwed around. Grace was made into a burrito and carried around for a while. Ian and a couple others climbed up to their second floor balcony from the back side of the building. We watched some videos on youtube, including a few "[insert movie name here] in 5 seconds" videos and a Watchmen/Wall-E trailer mash up.
          It was a bit strange for me being around Matt again for such an extended period of time after being apart for so many months. It seems I have some attachment to him as more than a friend, perhaps his being a bit more mature (not that I'm a great model of it all the time) had something to do with it. I love him; as my friend, my brother in Christ but I can't let this get to me. There's a reason I broke up with him (actually, a few reasons) and I doubt those will change. When you squirm and feel so uncomfortable that you want to scream and run away when your boyfriend is being affectionate there's a problem.
          I don't regret the relationship because I learned from it; but I see what went wrong. Allowing myself to be pressured into it and breaking my rule of "just friends for at least two weeks" (to see if it's more than infatuation) was the just the beginning. We're meant to be friends, maybe even very close friends but not boyfriend and girlfriend. He deserves someone better than me. I'm sure a little more time apart (which should be easy considering our schedules) and I should be all right. I've already convinced myself that I'd have to be extremely sure of how I feel to even think about a second chance. As I've said, these feelings will pass and all will be normal (relatively).
          Wow, it's getting late. I'm looking forward to church tomorrow morning, a possible lunch, and costume shopping if all goes according to plan. For now, a shower will be just the thing to end my week.

Yesterday...

Yesterday...
          I turned in my hours for the first pay period of my job as a teaching assistant. I learned that that my three month old laptop that was in a coma will need to be wiped clean and everything re-installed and that it can be temporarily resurrected so I can back up the files on it before it's wiped clean.

Last night...
          I learned a whole new way to look at marriage and relationships. I played in the rain, with swords. I ate a late meal with friends and didn't get back to my room until after midnight.

Today...
          I took a test in physics. Played with M&Ms and learned about aromatic compounds. I hope to go look at costumes and get my phone back. I'll join a nerdy party and watch the premiere of Stargate Universe.