Life is really odd sometimes. You go along, trying to mind your own business, when something blows up in your face and you're left in the fallout wondering what just happened. This has occurred more times in my life than I care to remember. As a result of one such incident I can't be with my family for Thanksgiving this year. I'm not terribly upset for myself but I am disappointed in the poor communication displayed by some (not that I'm a great model for it myself). I am grateful for the invites extended to me in the past couple of weeks since then. I'm starting to think I'll just stay in and treasure the time alone with God.
I've come to terms with solitude in the past few months. It's neither empty nor lonely. It seems a lost art among introverts. It's something that has to be learned given our modern Western culture. Our lives are so full of stuff and very little substance. This season it's especially evident. BUY THIS NOW! OR THE WORLD ENDS! AND YOU'RE NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BUY! THIS! NOW! Don't lie to me, that's exactly the quiet desperation hidden behind every ad.
People live for the next shiny new thing because it's shiny and new (or gritty but diamond-dusted grit sells pretty well, too). We're surrounded by people looking for meaning and identity. They buy into the lie that "stuff makes you" and end up feeling empty. It's a hunger never satisfied and a dream never realized. This doesn't just apply to what you can buy in a store, catalog or website. I've seen my fair share of people seeking relationships with the same urgency. They may not even realize it but it's there. They all hide behind their masks, surrounded by stuff, devouring anything and everything to fill the void. It breaks my heart, especially when they look to me for some kind of answer or relief. It's not in me.
I digress (or do I?). For those of you going home for the holiday, I've a charge and a prayer for you. Encourage, exhort and edify fellow believers and be a light to those who are not. It's easy for old resentments to surface and allow unspoken (or very vocal) frictions to grate against your patience. Don't let that happen. Be on your guard. Turn the other cheek and bear with one another in love because much of what you fight over is not important. Really.
I don't know if I mentioned in an earlier post (I may have in a facebook status or tweet) but I've wanted to write letters to many of those whom I love and have impacted me in a positive way. Why should we wait until someone dies to say good things about them? I firmly believe that we should express our love and gratitude to others while we and they are alive. I wrote to a couple of people last year. I may or may not write more to others this year. I really need to keep a notebook to write down what exactly I'd say when I think of a good sentence or paragraph to include.
This probably stems from my prime love language being a mix of quality time [I just want to be with you.] and (especially) words of affirmation [tell me something good]. Forget random junk that you may or may not want or need. Let me write you even a small portion of my love for you. I know if I were to receive such a written note it would speak more loudly than any gift, act of service or hug could ever shout.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
'Cause I'm fallin', I'm fallin for you...
Song of the moment: Falling For You by Seabird
It's is certainly now fall in the great state of Arkansas. I don't like the cold; I much prefer the heat. When you can no longer take off anymore layers you go inside, break out the water in the form of swimming or water war. Everything is green, you're not in school, you can eat neon colored frozen sugar water and watermelon and there's cookouts.
Fall? Well, it is easier to dress modestly. I don't understand the girls that can be half-naked in such freezing weather. Even in the summer, though, the sun is rather unkind to that which I prefer to keep under wraps. I digress, more reasons to love the cooler weather: I can wear leggings with skirts and shorts! I get to wear fuzzy boots. I love my fuzzy boots. I can play with layers in my clothing....it's awesome. What else? Egg nog is now in season. Some of you may shudder at the viscosity and calories but I like it. The colors are just as vibrant as in the spring and the promise of holidays with family and friends beckon.
So what have I been up to? A lot and not very much all once. I've always seen myself as a bundle of seeming contradictions but we can talk about that another time. I dropped physics 2. Of all my priorities, it always came up last and there was no place I was willing to budge to make time to study for it. I think attending church here in Conway, the Spanish and Wednesday services in Maumelle, the Truth Project and Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) were totally worth dropping physics for. Go ahead and question my priorities. I have no regrets. I've been focusing on maturing in my faith and church 5 times a week certainly isn't hurting. Yet...I've been wanting something more lately. All this learning is wonderful but what good is it if I don't do anything with it? Sure, I'm doing some things, even if it's just loving on fellow believers and trying to be light to those around me but I need to do more. I feel like a car with a tank almost full, now I just need to be driven somewhere...maybe lots of places!
So what am I going to do? I don't even know. I'm praying about going on a mission trip over spring break with the BCM. Yesterday I learned about Super Summer Arkansas and got really excited. Maybe I can do that? I've wanted to work at a summer camp for a while now (science or church would be fine with me). One of the recruiters, Dustin Sams, talked a little about works born of faith and it resonated with my desire go out and do things. A camp for junior and senior high students seems ideal considering I'll be qualified to teach 7th-12th when I finally graduate. It would force me to be more outgoing. I've been getting better about being more outgoing but this would take me out of my comfort zone and I'd sink or swim. It wouldn't be simply being outgoing either. I honestly believe it could help with my faith in general to become more of a leader and I don't even know what kind of awesomeness.
So, I filled out an interview application and was interviewed. If I wasn't so nervous I would have thought to ask more questions about what exactly I'd be doing as either administrative staff or possibly a small group leader. I suppose I'll find out if (and hopefully when) I get accepted and go to camp. That's the thing though, I feel a bit apprehensive about all this. It's not that I have anything to hide but I do feel so young in my faith. I'm filling out the online portion of the application today (even as I write this) and the questions that are asked leave me wondering how they'll see me. As the thought harasses me I think of what I've been telling myself: I need to remember Christ-esteem. He sees me as what I can be, the mold he created for me and I'm growing into. I know that as a teacher I learn from my students just as much, if not more than, they learn from me. Sometimes I fail...a lot. It happens but God's grace is sufficient. Every time I fall, he lifts me up and we continue walking together. I, of all people, should know just how merciful our God is.
As much I feel "I want to grow up now!" I know I can't rush it. I see my friends (most of whom are younger than me) as these spiritual giants doing things for God and displaying knowledge I just don't have. I have to keep reminding myself of what one of them told me once: we are all at different stages of conviction. I can only view it as an encouragement to what God is making me to be. These friends do see the growth in me, growth I've felt. I must keep that Kingdom focus, seeking after God's will and praying that I will always be maturing in Christ as the Spirit leads.
So now what? I don't know what future holds. I used to have a vague idea but now it's entirely hidden from my view. I used to think I'd graduate and begin teaching. I probably would not leave Arkansas. I don't see that now. I don't even know if I'll be teaching. I would laugh heartily if I married and then found myself in a foreign country with the job of stay-at-home mom. I'd be okay with that. The irony would be too much. I do know, though, that where I am and whatever I do I will find joy in it. As long as I pursue my relationship with God, he will give me the desire of my heart...which I've given up fighting and am now praying he conforms it to his will.
It's is certainly now fall in the great state of Arkansas. I don't like the cold; I much prefer the heat. When you can no longer take off anymore layers you go inside, break out the water in the form of swimming or water war. Everything is green, you're not in school, you can eat neon colored frozen sugar water and watermelon and there's cookouts.
Fall? Well, it is easier to dress modestly. I don't understand the girls that can be half-naked in such freezing weather. Even in the summer, though, the sun is rather unkind to that which I prefer to keep under wraps. I digress, more reasons to love the cooler weather: I can wear leggings with skirts and shorts! I get to wear fuzzy boots. I love my fuzzy boots. I can play with layers in my clothing....it's awesome. What else? Egg nog is now in season. Some of you may shudder at the viscosity and calories but I like it. The colors are just as vibrant as in the spring and the promise of holidays with family and friends beckon.
So what have I been up to? A lot and not very much all once. I've always seen myself as a bundle of seeming contradictions but we can talk about that another time. I dropped physics 2. Of all my priorities, it always came up last and there was no place I was willing to budge to make time to study for it. I think attending church here in Conway, the Spanish and Wednesday services in Maumelle, the Truth Project and Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) were totally worth dropping physics for. Go ahead and question my priorities. I have no regrets. I've been focusing on maturing in my faith and church 5 times a week certainly isn't hurting. Yet...I've been wanting something more lately. All this learning is wonderful but what good is it if I don't do anything with it? Sure, I'm doing some things, even if it's just loving on fellow believers and trying to be light to those around me but I need to do more. I feel like a car with a tank almost full, now I just need to be driven somewhere...maybe lots of places!
So what am I going to do? I don't even know. I'm praying about going on a mission trip over spring break with the BCM. Yesterday I learned about Super Summer Arkansas and got really excited. Maybe I can do that? I've wanted to work at a summer camp for a while now (science or church would be fine with me). One of the recruiters, Dustin Sams, talked a little about works born of faith and it resonated with my desire go out and do things. A camp for junior and senior high students seems ideal considering I'll be qualified to teach 7th-12th when I finally graduate. It would force me to be more outgoing. I've been getting better about being more outgoing but this would take me out of my comfort zone and I'd sink or swim. It wouldn't be simply being outgoing either. I honestly believe it could help with my faith in general to become more of a leader and I don't even know what kind of awesomeness.
So, I filled out an interview application and was interviewed. If I wasn't so nervous I would have thought to ask more questions about what exactly I'd be doing as either administrative staff or possibly a small group leader. I suppose I'll find out if (and hopefully when) I get accepted and go to camp. That's the thing though, I feel a bit apprehensive about all this. It's not that I have anything to hide but I do feel so young in my faith. I'm filling out the online portion of the application today (even as I write this) and the questions that are asked leave me wondering how they'll see me. As the thought harasses me I think of what I've been telling myself: I need to remember Christ-esteem. He sees me as what I can be, the mold he created for me and I'm growing into. I know that as a teacher I learn from my students just as much, if not more than, they learn from me. Sometimes I fail...a lot. It happens but God's grace is sufficient. Every time I fall, he lifts me up and we continue walking together. I, of all people, should know just how merciful our God is.
As much I feel "I want to grow up now!" I know I can't rush it. I see my friends (most of whom are younger than me) as these spiritual giants doing things for God and displaying knowledge I just don't have. I have to keep reminding myself of what one of them told me once: we are all at different stages of conviction. I can only view it as an encouragement to what God is making me to be. These friends do see the growth in me, growth I've felt. I must keep that Kingdom focus, seeking after God's will and praying that I will always be maturing in Christ as the Spirit leads.
So now what? I don't know what future holds. I used to have a vague idea but now it's entirely hidden from my view. I used to think I'd graduate and begin teaching. I probably would not leave Arkansas. I don't see that now. I don't even know if I'll be teaching. I would laugh heartily if I married and then found myself in a foreign country with the job of stay-at-home mom. I'd be okay with that. The irony would be too much. I do know, though, that where I am and whatever I do I will find joy in it. As long as I pursue my relationship with God, he will give me the desire of my heart...which I've given up fighting and am now praying he conforms it to his will.
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