I'm In Better Hands Now

          Despite the fact that I should be stressing over all that needs to be done, I'm not that worried. I still need to do 2.5 chapters of homework for physics, prepare for labs, catch up on notes, and go where I need to go and make it there on time. But I'm not stressing. I've really been at peace these past few days. It's as if I've found an island of calm in the storm of my life. It may be that at this point, I'm too tired to stress. Either I do what I need to do or I don't. The results are my fault and no one else. It could be God is providing of course. In his own strange mysterious way.
          I've finally canceled my World of Warcraft subscription. I told guild/friends about that fact. They make exceptions for military members about kicking them out after 2 weeks of no activity. I'll probably buy some game time for winter break. I've been in the guild for over a year and an officer in it for much of that time, it counts for something. They're so nice. I miss playing. If I could manage my time better I would not have had to cancel. Oh well. As I've said, consequences are the results of actions I take full responsibility for. I may not like it but, "It's my own damn fault." (Pardon the language but you have to agree).
          I've been trying to work out something (very quickly) about spring room- and suite-mate arrangements. My friends Grace and Ali are currently rooming together in the same apartment complex as me. Grace is spending spring semester abroad. I suggested Ali switch with my suite-mates. If nothing else, I'd move in with her so she would avoid a random roommate she doesn't know, or worse wouldn't like. Everyone except Grace & Ali's suitemates (whose positions I am unsure of yet) is for it. Keep your fingers crossed that it all works out.
          My head is so full yet empty these days. Like flitting birds, thoughts fly around but I cannot grab them. I'm feeling the need to be productive with so much to do but nothing really gets done. If only my newer laptop wasn't in a coma.
          My newer laptop that I got back in June was screwed. After downloading and installing an update last week I let it restart. As it was starting up it said something was wrong, so it did some sort of check and fix up thing. It told me it couldn't fix it! It then continues with start up and gets stuck on a regular disk check. It's really frustrating because I took it in to be checked over a month ago but Best Buy is no help. I'm taking it into some place called Wired (Solutions?) where I hear they're really good at helping for a reasonable price.
          I'm considering costumes for a Halloween party. Katie suggested a geisha, vampire or witch. When I told some of my other friends, Caleb suggested my doing all three. Max then said that idea was "very Japanese". It was funny, but you kind of had to be there to get how funny it was. What do you think? I'm going to look at costumes when I drop off my laptop to get looked at.
          Well, I've spent way too long working on this entry. I'll attempt to do something productive now. Love, grace and peace to you until I write again.

Going, going, going and running on empty.

          I haven't been posting much lately because I'm swamped. I now have very little free time, that times should be spent studying. Tuesday through Thursday is officially the busiest part of my week. Tuesday morning I observe two 9th grade physical science classes in a row (8:15am-10:10am) at a high school near campus. I have just enough time to drive back, change into more comfortable clothes, and get to my 10:50 class. Lunch is next followed by a short reprieve. Every couple of weeks, I attend the chemistry club meetings at X-period (1:30-2:30) before Organic 2 laboratory (2:40-5:20).
          Wednesday I have to get up early to take some extra time to look nice to observe yet another period of physical science at the end of the day. First I have class from 9-12. I get an hour for lunch then it's off to organic lecture. I have to get back to my car quickly enough to drive to that last hour of observation.
          Thursday! Oh man. Today I was on campus for 11 hours straight. As I said before, I'm a teaching assistant for an 8am organic 1 lab. After that, I had a snack. I went to an earlier physics lab to attempt some homework and hope I get some help. I got 1 problem done in three hours. After, I joined a friend who was in that lab for lunch at the cafeteria. I hadn't been there since I got annoyed this summer and gave up eating there. I got some stir fry and it was good. After lunch I had to attend my own physics lab (2:40-5:20). Directly after that, I worked on homework with the physics tutors (they were so patient) for two whole hours (5-7).
          Whew! I was lucky my 10:50 class did not meet today. So yeah. I am busy now. Back to doing homework! *sigh*

Academics

          I had signed up to be a TA (i.e. teaching assistant) for one lab a week (specifically an 8 am Organic I lab on Thursdays). I'll get paid minimum wage ($7.25/hr) for almost three hours a week. It's not much but it'll pay for gas and maybe even some groceries; a start at some independence from my parents. The paperwork all went through and the professor has agreed to the hire. My Internship I placement is all settled. I'll be going to a high school within five minutes of campus, visiting Tuesday mornings for a couple hours and Wednesday afternoons for one fifty-minute period. I'll be observing and eventually teach a single lesson before the class. At least it's a ninth-grace physical science class. I also have my field experience for the Cultural Perspectives class in order. I'll be volunteering at a local Boys and Girls Club for an or two each week.
          Haha! So I have even less time now for myself but it's all right. I go to school, study, get educational experience, engage in Bible study and occasionally indulge in my hobbies. Since I had a test in University Physics 1 and Organic 2 I have no immediate homework to do. I know tomorrow will have work a-plenty. Until then, I shall enjoy the small respite.

Damming the River of Love

          Depending on the situation I'm not a very open person. I bottle everything up and try to deal on my own without letting God do His thing to help me with my burdens. I've had Coldplay's "Square One" stuck in my head so far this week. It's a rather melancholy song. When I'm in those moods, that's what I listen to, especially when the lyrics resonate so much with me.

...You just want somebody listening to what you say...
Is there anybody out there who
Is lost and hurt and lonely too?
Are they bleeding all your colours into one?
And then you come undone
As if you've been run through
Some catapult had fired you
You wonder if your chance'll ever come
Or if you're stuck in square one

          When I was younger, I used to fight showers. I'd avoid them because, for whatever reason, I just didn't want to take one. But when I got in under that hot water and got all cleaned up, you couldn't get me out! It's the same way with opening up to people and letting them know I have a need, even if it's just someone who will listen.
          Last night was Grace's surprise birthday party (right before Christ Church meeting). Hearing everyone say what they did about her, while I agreed it was true I felt that's how I want to be known. Someone with wisdom and compassion and so much love. I can't be that person though, not if I trust in my own reason and not seek God's wisdom.
          I'm an introvert, it takes a lot for me to open up. After church we broke into our small groups for discussion and prayer as needed. I sat there for a while and realized I couldn't really talk to anyone in there. I went outside and stared at the moon and the stars, trying not cry. I thought of Coldplay's "Yellow" and how after reading 1 John, it takes on a whole new meaning. I sat down at the curb of the front walkway and sang to myself FFH's "Power in His Blood" in an attempt to comfort myself.

There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
There's power in his blood
Forgiveness in His hands
A peace in His love that we can't understand
There's joy in His spirit
Sufficient and full there's power in His blood
His love is all we need
There's joy in the spirit of the Lord

          It wasn't really helping. Ian was outside and he must have finished his phone conversation because he sat down next to me. Part of the reason I hate opening up is the crying part. After holding it in for so long, I start to cry. It all comes out. How I feel such a disconnect, my difficulty in expressing my needs; how seeing Alex this week reminded me of everything wrong in my life at the time, my depression and obsession and wanting to be free of it; my struggle with dealing with Max's decision not to be more than friends (disappointment, wondering his reasons why, rationalizing that it doesn't matter, he had his reasons and accepting that). Ian told me what I needed to hear; that how no matter what was going on in my life, no matter who I wanted, to depend on Jesus as the only one who could fulfill my needs. I wasn't really surprised to learn he had dealt with similar struggles and was rather introverted as well. I'm not really sure what I expected of him, but it makes sense.
          During my talk with Ian, I mentioned Ka'ne (haha) and how she was my strength, my inspiration. Before she was my strength and my comfort but now I see her as....this illustration is best: Where and when Christ leads, she urges me to follow. As any well-made character, she is not perfect. Far from it. She has her good qualities to be sure but she wouldn't want to be role model. She's made mistakes in her life and had to live with them. Imperfect as she is, she urges me to follow His perfection and wisdom.
          On the way back to school, I continued to ruminate over what had been said. All my holding in was like dam in my river of love. It would never run dry but this dam had slowed its flow to a trickle. I realized that I regularly needed face-to-face and heart-to-heart talks about what was going on in my life to keep that river clear and flowing full force. It hurts at first. It's hard to get started, just like getting in that shower and allowing yourself to be washed by the water. But when it's over, I feel so clean and light. I must remind myself of it so that I may gladly do it again.