I insisted that would never happen but he scoffed. I was trying to explain how God had changed my life but I felt I wasn't doing a very good job of it. I stared out at the window as he drove, briefly pondering the creeping green tide of kudzu slowly engulfing the Mississippi countryside. I silently prayed for the right words but none came. I shifted subjects. There was no point in continuing. I was merely arguing.
In the weeks since that conversation, I've thought about it off and on. I don't regret my decision to follow Christ. In my case, it was a clear yet gentle invitation and undramatic acceptance. It just made sense to me. It was followed, a few months later, with a firm and inspiring, "Do this on purpose." So I did. I haven't looked back since. No matter the struggles or dry spells, the times I'd wondered, "Have I really changed?" I had assurance in my choice and in God's never letting me go.
Why? All I have to do is dig out one of my notebooks from the past four or so years and see the difference. I can see the person I used to be, full of anger and hatred for the world and all that was in it. (Except my cat, but he made me sneeze.) I was directionless, lonely, and anxious. I'm amazed I had any friends. I can read the lessons I've learned, the blessings I've received, the love I'm continually growing in. Whenever I doubt, I can remember what God has done in and through my life. How many times did He tell Israel: "Remember when I rescued you and made you mine."? He has never let me down; despite all my failures and imperfections, I've never been alone. He takes care of His own.
Sometimes I wonder if my brother sees my "getting super religious" and becoming Christian means a boat load of rules and regulations; that I miss out on all the fun and live a "safe," sheltered life. But I don't feel I've missed out. What have I missed? I'm happy to have "missed out" on hangovers, losing all I am and have to drugs, post-hook up blues, pregnancy and STD scares, or the constant, anxious struggle to keep up with the Joneses.
My life is so much more. I've been stretched and challenged to live with reckless faith. For God, I do things I would never have dreamed I could do, much less, wanted to do and become someone I never thought I could be. Do I regret it? No. My only regrets are the times I didn't trust God, to wait or act exactly as He told me when He told me the first time.
If this is turns out to be the greatest farce in all of history, it will be sad, yes, but I won't regret a moment. God called me to be His agent in this world and build His kingdom on earth, on based on truth and love. All I have to do is love others and show them kindness even when I'm hated and hurt, be an eager and humble servant no matter my position or "due", have a grateful attitude in all situations even when it seems there's nothing to be thankful for, not worrying about anything but trusting to only concern myself with my part to play. What is there to regret?
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Galatians 5:22-23
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Timothy 4:7
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
Philippians 3:12
