When you work it out

          I've had God Put a Smile Upon Your Face by Coldplay stuck in my head for the past week. I'm not really bothered by that anymore. I let it play over and over in my head until it runs its course. It hasn't yet, though. I should mention that when I hear it I think of the Prelude prequel to the main Ka'ne-Yuri story I've been working on for quite a while. I can picture it all, like a montage from start to finish. Condensed properly it'd be an awesome trailer for the movie or nice to way to cover those events at the beginning of the main Ka'ne-Yuri.
          The story has so many twists and turns and back-story (not to mention setup) you'd think this was some kind of sci-fi/fantasy soap opera but I assure you it's not so melodramatic. I sometimes wonder that if I ever truly finish this (to my satisfaction) and publish it, would people try to say I was hoping to make the next Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or something? I almost would be insulted at the suggestion. They're great works in their own right but my story is so different from both. I feel my writing has not matured and improved quite well enough to do the story justice. I try my best when I do rewrites but I always fall short, in my opinion. It's grown with me for nine years now and I understand the world and characters so much better then I did when I first created it all. I look back at the plot and the major points of it that I created, underlying themes that emerged and how the characters and world developed in my mind.
          At fourteen (with a normal suburban life), I couldn't understand or explain to others why characters acted the way they did. At fourteen I didn't really know despair, the strength of the bond between a Guardian and their charge, the weight of responsibility, what it can drive a person to or allow themselves to do, feeling so trapped and wanting to get away but afraid and unsure how because as terrible as life was for her not knowing anything else (almost). Then we moved. I had the predisposition for it before, I'm sure, but being taken away from everything I loved and knew at sixteen threw me over the edge and into a terrible depression. It's only in the past few months (maybe year or two) I feel I've finally recovered. In the depths of such sorrow and pain I found solace in Ka'ne. I slipped into her world often to hide away from mine. I could transfer my burden to her; see through her eyes, feel what she felt.
          You wouldn't think depression is a state that promotes creativity (the evidence seems inconclusive either way) but for me it was a powerful catalyst. In the first semester at the new school I had filled twenty-five pages of scribbles of Kane's story during and between classes and at lunch. I was diagnosed and treated but the treatment left me numb and rather dull. It's strange, getting used to being twenty-three. I see Ka'ne-Yuri with fresh eyes and ever plumb deeper into my characters and their world. Now it is a pleasant escape, a haven away from the hectic and sometimes isolating college life. I think about her on the way to and from classes, when other songs trigger thoughts of situations and characters, when I'm scared or lonely.
          Ka'ne is not just some fictional character, she is part of me more intimate than any external relationship can be (or internal with myself for that matter). She is my mother, my daughter, my sister, my head, my heart, my soul, my joy, my heartbreak, my comfort, my strength. She is that great and powerful part of me that I draw from, a slightly dissociated version of myself but yet so different from me you wouldn't recognize at times.
          and maybe that's why i'm not really sure i could ever finish the story...because giving her up to the world would be baring the deepest parts of me.

Senses and Sensibilities

          I am now acquainted with all my classes and teachers. I'm taking Cultural Perspectives: Family, School, and Community Partnerships (3 hours), University Physics I (calculus based, 4 hours), Secondary Science Methods and Material (4 hours), and Organic Chemistry II (4 hours). Fifteen hours is a fairly standard course load for college but these all require heavy time commitments for study. I'm convinced that I should cancel my World of Warcraft subscription as it would only be a major distraction. Internship I is only 1 credit hour, it's a co requisite for my Methods and Materials class. I have to go off campus and observe a classroom so many hours a week. I may also have to participate in the teaching. *eep!*
          Cultural Perspectives I expect it to be the usual education class, perhaps a little more work but not excessively so. The teacher is a bit strange but sincere and clearly knows what he's doing. I'm required to have ten hours of "field experience" with a student (high school age in my case) of a different race, ethnic background, religion, or socioeconomic status (perhaps even gender?). I have to write about it as well.
          Physics is clearly going to be time consuming if I want to pass, much less get a decent grade. No other teacher or professor has ever managed to make me hate them and their class so much in one session. Lab was a headache and he asked us to use the Macs there to make a chart and graph the results. We all were PC people. We wasted over ten minutes trying to find the spreadsheet program, input the data and figure out how to make a chart. I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just get my chemistry degree and finish up my educational classes, just forgetting about being qualified to teach anything else. Then I remember, it's probably better if I do it all...
          Methods and Materials will be the most challenging class, I'm sure. I have to come up with a mini-unit (with three lessons) as well as an interactive lab, write a paper on the Nature of Science and teach a lesson before a real class. It's exciting and scary all at once. Most people don't realize (or appreciate) how complex teaching really is. There's more to it than teaching in the classroom. Preparation, talking to parents, grading papers, cooperating with fellow teachers, keeping up with accreditation (professional development)...for many teachers they may work 45-60 hours a week (including classroom time). True, I get same vacations as my students but chances are that time may be taken up with jobs to supplement income or in training/professional development.
          Finally, organic chemistry will be both a blast and headache (perhaps caused by the blast). I have the same professor as I did in organic 1 I took this spring. I'm sure it will be more challenging the organic 1, she equates chemistry with language (an apt description in my opinion). In organic 1, we learned words (functional groups and basic reactions). In the second course we learn sentences (a lot of mechanisms--how a reaction goes and how fast--and many more types of reactions).
          So, no free time. Or is there? I am certain I will find it, hidden between project and homework or somewhere.

Shopping and Sake-tinis

         So today was my brother's last day here at home. Tomorrow he heads back to his girlfriend and school. We decided to actually go out today and do something (other than watching TV and playing WoW). We head into a town a little north of here and go shopping. We walk down the main street (which is home to more gift shops and antique stores than you would think is necessary in so few blocks). At the first one we found a couple gifts for his girlfriend's mother. For his girlfriend he got a shirt (as she had requested). We then went to a shopping center a few miles from our house. We wandered around a bit, checking the stores for my sandals or his shorts. We found neither but he did find a shirt (25 dollars off) to play tennis in. The stores everywhere were packed. Back to school sales or something.
         After we had lunch at Red Robin (we stuffed ourselves so that we didn't even want to think about dessert). We headed home for a couple hours before we all went to the theater to see Funny People. I'll try not to ruin everything but it's pretty dark and not exactly what I would consider a comedy even though it's about comedians (had it's jokes).
         Dinner was surely the highlight of the day. Aside from our family there was a couple and a mother/daughter pair having a mother/daughter day. They all had plenty to drink (Sake-tinis I beleive they were called). The mother kept hitting on our chef (she had the most to drink). We all had fun watching the show (but our family had seen it all before since we prefer to eat at hibachi restaurants). It was fun seeing the mother try to catch shrimp in her mouth (the chef flung a few). She offered him some of her Sake-tini a few times.
         So now we're watching the first Men in Black movie. Still entertaining. :P