Thoughts on marriage and life

Not an El Salvador Travel Diary--Sorry!           God has this tendency to teach me things in an interesting way. The lessons learned take up an entire school semester and their purpose is only apparent in retrospect. The pieces of the puzzle are given in a seemingly random order and the complete picture often comes together in an instant. The a-ha! moment occurred only in the last week or so. I don't know the exact moment it happened or even the day, but suddenly there it was, like a newly published book on my shelf, already thoroughly read and studied. It's confounding.
          So what was last semester's revelation(s)? The first one (and probably the most important) is I fell into the pit known as "presumption of God's will". Now, you may want something very much and believe very strongly that it should happen or you should have it. If it's not God's will no amount of bull-headed belief, or misnamed "faith", will make it true. I firmly believed for much of last semester I was going to marry a certain man. He is certainly someone worth liking and has been a wonderful brother in Christ but I can't say he's my future husband with any certainty. Throughout the whole ordeal, I prayed that God's will be done, not mine. Even when I gave in to the idea, I still fought it and tested it. In the end, it came up empty. As much as I took it to heart I let it go so easily, you almost couldn't notice.
          That's not to say good did not come from it. I'm seeing a lot of good. The lesson of "don't presume God's will" was a hard-earned piece of wisdom cemented by reading Isaiah 30:1 (there are plenty more verses, I'm sure). It made me aware of the influence of others on me and pointed out the need to address that poor influence, as subtle as it was (yet powerful). I'm now more determined to trust my intuition more than others' advice. More often than not (but not 100% of the time, don't mistake me) the former is accumulated wisdom and the Holy Spirit whispering to me and the latter very audibly expressed ideas that may even be good but not for me or my situation. 1 John 4:1 is a nice place to start.
          The man I thought I'd marry? Proof of concept: many of the traits God has told me I need in a husband (and so I've come to desire) can and do exist in a single person. I find great comfort in that. I now know exactly who my husband is in character and to some extent what his personality may be but the face he wears and history he bears I do not know. This has prompted me to specifically ask that God work in me to be the woman he wants me to be. If I am to marry, may I be a wife worthy of the husband I desire. Even then, I would only marry someone because together we could accomplish more for the Kingdom than either of us could apart. If it is not to benefit of the Kingdom, then why would I marry? Why would I want to? I have my friends and spiritual family. In Christ, I am made complete (This I found lots for, haha: Ephesians 3:19; Philippians 1:4-6; Colossians 2:10; Colossians 2:2; James 1:4).
          That feels like a lot densely packed into only a few paragraphs. Maybe I didn't give full expression to it.../shrug What I've learned will hopefully be of use to you, my friends, and that alone would make it all worth it. I've already seen it give comfort to another in an entirely different situation. It's hard to say how this will affect things in the future but I know there may yet be more to learn and apply from this experience.

Ruminations

          Much has happened in the last month. It's all a blur with islands of sharply rendered memories. It would be overwhelming if not for my usual tactic of burying everything deeply. In time and pieces it will all return, like seeds that sprout or moths from cocoons, not looking much like what preceded but coming from it all the same. In short, my car died, I went on a ten-day trip to El Salvador, I read The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings series (including the appendices at the end of the third book) during that trip and now I wait in Texas for another car to hopefully be ready in time for school (which starts Thursday).
          In El Salvador we visited a couple beaches, visited ruins, got sick for a few days, endured a couple parties with extended relatives...so many relatives (tens of people) in El Salvador and I only caught a few names; I remember less. It was overwhelming, especially for an introvert like me. I was confronted yet again with the peculiarity of my nature, how people don't understand it and make wildly inaccurate assumptions about me. It's frustrating. A more comical example being the assumption that I eat one large serving of vegetables once or twice month when in truth I may have multiple servings a meal and start to go crazy if I don't consume any for more than 4-5 days (which happened). I don't think I'll be able to endure even the smell of pupusas and beans for a long time.
          When I get back home to Arkansas, I'll give a fuller account of the trip with pictures. It wasn't all bad. I actually loved it but getting sick soured my outlook and once I started to recover I was quite ready to go home. The profound unfamiliarity of it all was weighing heavily on me by that point. Such is life I suppose, it isn't always sunny beaches and laughing with family. I learned a lot about my heritage and subsequently about myself. Perhaps I will share some of that with you in my trip diaries. For now, I miss you all and look forward to seeing you again as well as a new semester.
          Love and blessings upon you,           
Mishal