So the highlight of my day is full of leavings. Derek sent me a message today saying we weren't right for each other. I kind of saw this coming. I'd mentioned to someone that I didn't really see it going anywhere. For some reason, I have the song Quicksand by Natalie Walker stuck in my head. I keep thinking I should be all heartbroken and sad but I'm not. These feelings are like a star in the distance. I can see them but they are so far away, the only evidence is a single point of light in my vast sky. I honestly felt much worse when Max said he didn't think it would work out and those feelings were not unbearable. C'est ma vie. Forget sparkly vampires and celebrity crushes, my unrealistic standard for men is Ryumaru (shy, adoring, patient and understanding) and he's not that unrealistic. Someday I will find my Ryumaru...
My brother left with our dad back home, too. Six hundred miles away they will be. I won't see my brother for three to four weeks. When he comes back here it will be my turn to go home. I may be spending my birthday with just my parents and maternal grandmother who lives with us. I'm considering going back as soon as my summer class is over and spending only a week or two at home before returning. It would just be long enough to get a new license plate and driver's license. This way I could spend my birthday with my friends and family.
I'm wondering if maybe I'm being too cautious about love. I always say go for it. I went for it, twice, and it didn't work out so no regrets there. I just think I may be holding back, not investing as much as I could and probably should. Sure it makes things easier if it doesn't work out but am I making it more likely to end up this way by investing so little? The irrational girl inside of me wants answers as to why he's saying this but my rational self insists the means do not matter, in the end the result is the same. His reasons are his own and he owes me no explanation. [On a random note, I've just learned I don't really like cherry flavored AirHeads.]
In other news, I aced the calculus test last Monday. I'm so happy. I just have to keep working and I can make it out with a B. I'm tired if being lazy and not studying which results in C's or D's and a repeat of the class (I don't think I've ever had an F though). I don't understand why I fight it so. I may seem nice and at times I may be too forgiving and giving but I am a willful person and I tend to do what I want. This passive aggressiveness led teachers back in grace school to believe I had ADD but I was just not interested. My dad insists if I really do have OCD it's "selective". Truth is, I'm a bit absent-minded but not ADD and my OCD is likely an overcompensation for it.
I am so ambiguous.
I am quiet if I'm not loud. Sweet and yielding if not headstrong and tactless. I am easily distracted when not intensely focused. I will eat with great control (parfait of granola, fruit and yogurt) only to easily down the entire meal at a hibachi restaurant (in my defense it's really good, fresh food). I show great maturity and wisdom yet later do not take my own advice. I am melancholy and almost equally sanguine. I am hard to predict at times, you don't know which side of me you'll get. I wonder if perhaps this all is my human nature warring with the spiritual...
No comments:
Post a Comment