It's just about the end of semester here at school. Final big projects are coming due, last tests and quizzes are being given, and stress permeates the atmosphere like a humid Arkansas summer afternoon. I must admit, I have been party to these stresses. I haven't quite been doing what I needed to stay on top of things and once again I find myself struggling to climb out of the holes I've dug for myself. Is it even worth it? What should I do? I also must confess that I haven't been going to church lately in the hopes of getting work done. I missed Tuesday and Sunday (and possible the Sunday before that). I didn't realize how that had affected me until tonight.
Last night, I had a breakdown. I was working on a project I had to present today. I'd procrastinated and was now desperately trying to get it together. The stress of school and being behind on everything had been building up in me; I was beginning to crack. I couldn't focus; I couldn't relax. I turned off the television but my suitemate complained. I turned it back on and decided I'd go to the library to work. I caught myself getting really upset. First there were a few quiet tears, but when I got in my car, I just lost it. I cried so hard.
What am I going to do? I don't know if I can do this. Are my grades even worth salvaging? Can I ever change? Am I doomed to fail every semester? The car was already on so I decided to drive. I got to the end of the street and cried even harder at the stop sign. I turned onto street in front of campus but I passed the library and kept going. I ended up driving around town, not really knowing where I was going. I didn't care. At this point, I'm certain I'm having some kind of breakdown. The whole time, I just cried. Eventually, I started to calm down a little bit (or at least stopped crying for a bit).
I get back and park. I start to text on my phone but in the middle of it Desiree calls with some questions about an assignment. I state I hadn't done it. Somehow, I cry again during the conversation and I pour out all my anxieties. She gives me a speech about doing the work we need to do. She apologizes several times but she feels the need to say it. I insist that it's what I need to hear. After our conversation. I get back to the apartment. I'd been out for about forty-five minutes by then. I force myself to sit down and work on it. I eventually finish it at 4am.
By the way, it takes a long time to print 42 color pages. This morning, I set back my alarm a couple times before getting up. I head to my first class. It's going all right until the not-unexpected pop quiz. I don't think I did well on it. The next class is the one where I had to present the project. I was all nerves. I'm fairly sure it was obvious how unprepared I was. I was supposed to take ten minutes but I rushed, forgot a lot of what I was going to say and did it only in five. By now, I feel defeated. It was not a happy morning. I have lunch with friends and go back to the apartment. I try to get some work done but distractions abound.
Before my afternoon lab I decide to post a glowing review of a professor on RateMyProfessor. Posting that review improved my mood quite a bit. Looking back, I think focusing on something I'm thankful for helped pull focus from my shortcomings to something outside myself that was good. I amused myself by reading the negative reviews (they really were funny) before heading to lab. I have fun with Desiree in lab, as usual. Lots of giggling, whining, and being lost.
My mood starts to sink again and I'm exhausted. I got less than four hours of sleep last night. I feel distinctly broken. My head felt strange, like I have a cold but it's not a physical illness. I try to nap but stresses invade my sleep and it's fitful. My alarm goes off. I make a simple dinner and head to church. It's obvious we're all stressed. We talk a bit before we dig into Galatians. We read chapter two, versus fifteen through twenty-one.
Throughout the discussion, I truly relax. God was speaking to me. I felt the way I know I'm supposed to feel, peaceful and full of love. I really needed that. I realized that by missing church, I'd short-changed myself. I allowed external things to get to me and be brought down by them and my human nature. I wasn't allowing God to show through as much as I should. I'd left myself vulnerable to attack. Digging into the Word and having fellowship builds us up and keeps us strong. We need each other. To remind each other of what we know and to keep focused on what matters, build Christ-esteem rather than self-esteem.
It was so refreshing tonight. I feel mended and whole, again. It's important we care for each other and study together. It's a huge part of functioning as the body of Christ, perhaps the most important thing next to loving and obeying God. In Him I am strong. Together in Him with my brothers and sisters, we are so much more than we could be alone.
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