Can't get away from talking about relationships
As much as I hate talking about love and relationships...I love talking about love and relationships. I suppose as it has as much to do with my aversion (once paper-cut, twice machete-shy) as it does that I'm still working to understand it all. Chances are, I'll never fully realize that understanding. We're defined by our relationships, or lack thereof, whether we like it or not. I realized that in the past year. It keeps coming up; a truth I can't avoid. That's okay with me, though. Self discovery often means stumbling onto familiar paths. I forget what I learn so easily. I forget myself so often. I need the reminders.
I thought I was okay with being single six months ago but looking back, I really wasn't. I was very anti-relationship, at least romantically, even to the point of feeling antagonistic towards some of those those that were in such relationships. That's not healthy. I'm starting to see them in a healthier light but I still feel very jaded to the poor imitations that the world would push upon us. Since August, I've been a shown a clearer picture of what I need in a husband and I've discovered more of what exactly it is that I want.
Maturity and marriage
Just in the past week or so, I'm seeing a theme among Christian married couples: they had gotten to the point where they okay with being single; basically saying, "Okay, God, it's just you and me; I wouldn't have it any other way." That's hit home for me. I want to be there; it seems to be a mark of maturity, something attainable with God's help. If I reach that point, I could be single my whole life but maybe (just maybe) I'd meet my husband.
That isn't to say I want it so I can marry (lol). I'd decided last fall that the point of my life is to glorify God and further his kingdom. To that end only would I marry, that clearly more could be accomplished in a covenant marriage relationship than I or my husband could do alone (perhaps even with others). I find that beautiful (some of you are shaking your head, I'm sure, lol) but really, what else is there? I find no greater joy than what I have in the Lord.
What I desire in a mate
So what exactly do I need and want in a husband? [assuming I marry] I need man who is serious about his faith and earnestly seeking after God. I need someone who is like Christ: patient, truthful and kind; joyful but focused, passionate and wise. Someone who sees the best in me, will hold me accountable to a higher standard and believe that I can achieve it, will steady me when I stumble and calm my stormy seas, lift me up when I am depressed, move me when I can't move myself. That is the man I need, as long as he has these attributes the rest doesn't matter.
I want [in descending importance] a man who is sensible and intelligent. I don't care what he does as long as he loves it. A nerd/geek would be nice, he doesn't necessarily have to nerd out over science, computers, math or games; it can be literature, music, paintings or politics. Physically, I find glasses very attractive but (again) not necessary; as long as it's a healthy range I don't really care about weight. I tell myself I prefer blondes but I've found myself attracted to men with darker hair more often than not. It'd be kind of cool to marry someone who speaks Spanish but if nothing else, my mother will teach it to her grandchildren (I made her promise to speak only Spanish to them).
Okay, okay! I'll finish up
Do I know any men that fit my criteria? I might know a few. All of the criteria? I can't say without knowing them better. I guess I should befriend them or maybe even (gasp) date. :P That's another funny thing. I'm noticing guys a lot more. There are few in which I passing interest and one I'm becoming properly attracted to. Who? Don't worry yourself. I don't take my crushes seriously and neither should you. If there is something to be serious about, I trust God to be in it every step of the way. I already have a spiritual relationship advisory team put together in my head: the first three people I know that know me and I can trust to give Godly counsel in wisdom, truth and love. Then, maybe, I'll talk to you. :P
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
5 Love Songs That Don't Annoy Me
It seems most of the so-called love songs out there are sappy/needy or hypersexual. It was tough but with a little thought, I was able to come up with five. These are all songs I personally like. I tried to pick different artists and I think they're all from somewhat different genres, as well. So here they are:
5. Giving Up by Ingrid Michaelson
At first listen, it seems a rather melancholy song but it's more optimistic than you would think. It's a series of "What if..." questions. This one's fun, peppered with whimsical lyrics in between deeper questions: "What if there's always cups in the sink?/What if I'm not what you think/I am?" I think she's giving up wondering, worrying, guessing and divining all the things that could go wrong with the relationship and trusting her lover instead.
4. A Message by Coldplay
Naturally, there would be a Coldplay song on the list. Haha! A Message claims from the first phrase, "My song is love." It expresses it such simple and straightforward lyrics. The best part though, is the in chorus. It's unrepentant and unabashed love. "And I'm not gonna take it back./And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that./You're the target that I'm aimin' at./Gotta get my message home."
3. Falling for You by Seabird
I don't think Seabird is that well known. It's a shame if that's true, though, because their music is fantastic. Like Switchfoot, they could have broad appeal but their lyrics have Christian overtones that encourage fellow believers. I digress. Fallin' is a bright sunrise on a beach you didn't even know you were standing on. It's a little like "A Message" in its honest confession but more of a wide-eyed first love feel. It's glorious as that sunrise and as wondrous, too. "I'm fallin', I'm fallin' for you/Oh daring, it's finally true/And I won't let your heart turn to stone/'Cause when I found you my heart found a home."
2. Satellite by Guster
I can't finish this list without a nerdy love song. (I suppose I could have mentioned MC Chris's Nrrrd Grrrl but I don't love it like this one.) It has a great spacy feel with the electronic instrumentations. "Shining like a work of art/Hanging on a wall of stars./Are you what I think you are?//You're my satellite/You're riding with me tonight/Passenger side, lighting the sky/Always the first star that I find..." With such adoring, rather poetic (and nerdy) lyrics like that, it's a hard song to beat. However, there's one more...
1. Collide by Jon Foreman (lead singer of Switchfoot)
This was the only recording I could find on youtube of this song, it starts about a minute in. I was there when he played this song during an aftershow in October. It was a handful of loyal fans, Jon, a guitar and the chilly midnight air. It was so beautiful and totally worth the wait in the cold late at night. There's a purity of emotion in his music and it's especially true of this song. These lyrics seem born of a love nurtured over a lifetime. Love isn't always easy but if it's true, if you're true, you'll work at it. "We've had our disagreements/Our separate points of view/The thread that runs between us/Could be the thread that pulls us through."
Maybe that's why I love that last song so much: it's genuine and realistic. I know I seem really jaded when it comes to love but maybe this gives you a better idea of how I see it. I'm not romantic by most people's standards but I appreciate real love, true love, God's love.
5. Giving Up by Ingrid Michaelson
At first listen, it seems a rather melancholy song but it's more optimistic than you would think. It's a series of "What if..." questions. This one's fun, peppered with whimsical lyrics in between deeper questions: "What if there's always cups in the sink?/What if I'm not what you think/I am?" I think she's giving up wondering, worrying, guessing and divining all the things that could go wrong with the relationship and trusting her lover instead.
4. A Message by Coldplay
Naturally, there would be a Coldplay song on the list. Haha! A Message claims from the first phrase, "My song is love." It expresses it such simple and straightforward lyrics. The best part though, is the in chorus. It's unrepentant and unabashed love. "And I'm not gonna take it back./And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that./You're the target that I'm aimin' at./Gotta get my message home."
3. Falling for You by Seabird
I don't think Seabird is that well known. It's a shame if that's true, though, because their music is fantastic. Like Switchfoot, they could have broad appeal but their lyrics have Christian overtones that encourage fellow believers. I digress. Fallin' is a bright sunrise on a beach you didn't even know you were standing on. It's a little like "A Message" in its honest confession but more of a wide-eyed first love feel. It's glorious as that sunrise and as wondrous, too. "I'm fallin', I'm fallin' for you/Oh daring, it's finally true/And I won't let your heart turn to stone/'Cause when I found you my heart found a home."
2. Satellite by Guster
I can't finish this list without a nerdy love song. (I suppose I could have mentioned MC Chris's Nrrrd Grrrl but I don't love it like this one.) It has a great spacy feel with the electronic instrumentations. "Shining like a work of art/Hanging on a wall of stars./Are you what I think you are?//You're my satellite/You're riding with me tonight/Passenger side, lighting the sky/Always the first star that I find..." With such adoring, rather poetic (and nerdy) lyrics like that, it's a hard song to beat. However, there's one more...
1. Collide by Jon Foreman (lead singer of Switchfoot)
This was the only recording I could find on youtube of this song, it starts about a minute in. I was there when he played this song during an aftershow in October. It was a handful of loyal fans, Jon, a guitar and the chilly midnight air. It was so beautiful and totally worth the wait in the cold late at night. There's a purity of emotion in his music and it's especially true of this song. These lyrics seem born of a love nurtured over a lifetime. Love isn't always easy but if it's true, if you're true, you'll work at it. "We've had our disagreements/Our separate points of view/The thread that runs between us/Could be the thread that pulls us through."
Maybe that's why I love that last song so much: it's genuine and realistic. I know I seem really jaded when it comes to love but maybe this gives you a better idea of how I see it. I'm not romantic by most people's standards but I appreciate real love, true love, God's love.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Thoughts on marriage and life
So what was last semester's revelation(s)? The first one (and probably the most important) is I fell into the pit known as "presumption of God's will". Now, you may want something very much and believe very strongly that it should happen or you should have it. If it's not God's will no amount of bull-headed belief, or misnamed "faith", will make it true. I firmly believed for much of last semester I was going to marry a certain man. He is certainly someone worth liking and has been a wonderful brother in Christ but I can't say he's my future husband with any certainty. Throughout the whole ordeal, I prayed that God's will be done, not mine. Even when I gave in to the idea, I still fought it and tested it. In the end, it came up empty. As much as I took it to heart I let it go so easily, you almost couldn't notice.
That's not to say good did not come from it. I'm seeing a lot of good. The lesson of "don't presume God's will" was a hard-earned piece of wisdom cemented by reading Isaiah 30:1 (there are plenty more verses, I'm sure). It made me aware of the influence of others on me and pointed out the need to address that poor influence, as subtle as it was (yet powerful). I'm now more determined to trust my intuition more than others' advice. More often than not (but not 100% of the time, don't mistake me) the former is accumulated wisdom and the Holy Spirit whispering to me and the latter very audibly expressed ideas that may even be good but not for me or my situation. 1 John 4:1 is a nice place to start.
The man I thought I'd marry? Proof of concept: many of the traits God has told me I need in a husband (and so I've come to desire) can and do exist in a single person. I find great comfort in that. I now know exactly who my husband is in character and to some extent what his personality may be but the face he wears and history he bears I do not know. This has prompted me to specifically ask that God work in me to be the woman he wants me to be. If I am to marry, may I be a wife worthy of the husband I desire. Even then, I would only marry someone because together we could accomplish more for the Kingdom than either of us could apart. If it is not to benefit of the Kingdom, then why would I marry? Why would I want to? I have my friends and spiritual family. In Christ, I am made complete (This I found lots for, haha: Ephesians 3:19; Philippians 1:4-6; Colossians 2:10; Colossians 2:2; James 1:4).
That feels like a lot densely packed into only a few paragraphs. Maybe I didn't give full expression to it.../shrug What I've learned will hopefully be of use to you, my friends, and that alone would make it all worth it. I've already seen it give comfort to another in an entirely different situation. It's hard to say how this will affect things in the future but I know there may yet be more to learn and apply from this experience.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Ruminations
Much has happened in the last month. It's all a blur with islands of sharply rendered memories. It would be overwhelming if not for my usual tactic of burying everything deeply. In time and pieces it will all return, like seeds that sprout or moths from cocoons, not looking much like what preceded but coming from it all the same. In short, my car died, I went on a ten-day trip to El Salvador, I read The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings series (including the appendices at the end of the third book) during that trip and now I wait in Texas for another car to hopefully be ready in time for school (which starts Thursday).
In El Salvador we visited a couple beaches, visited ruins, got sick for a few days, endured a couple parties with extended relatives...so many relatives (tens of people) in El Salvador and I only caught a few names; I remember less. It was overwhelming, especially for an introvert like me. I was confronted yet again with the peculiarity of my nature, how people don't understand it and make wildly inaccurate assumptions about me. It's frustrating. A more comical example being the assumption that I eat one large serving of vegetables once or twice month when in truth I may have multiple servings a meal and start to go crazy if I don't consume any for more than 4-5 days (which happened). I don't think I'll be able to endure even the smell of pupusas and beans for a long time.
When I get back home to Arkansas, I'll give a fuller account of the trip with pictures. It wasn't all bad. I actually loved it but getting sick soured my outlook and once I started to recover I was quite ready to go home. The profound unfamiliarity of it all was weighing heavily on me by that point. Such is life I suppose, it isn't always sunny beaches and laughing with family. I learned a lot about my heritage and subsequently about myself. Perhaps I will share some of that with you in my trip diaries. For now, I miss you all and look forward to seeing you again as well as a new semester.
Love and blessings upon you,
Mishal
In El Salvador we visited a couple beaches, visited ruins, got sick for a few days, endured a couple parties with extended relatives...so many relatives (tens of people) in El Salvador and I only caught a few names; I remember less. It was overwhelming, especially for an introvert like me. I was confronted yet again with the peculiarity of my nature, how people don't understand it and make wildly inaccurate assumptions about me. It's frustrating. A more comical example being the assumption that I eat one large serving of vegetables once or twice month when in truth I may have multiple servings a meal and start to go crazy if I don't consume any for more than 4-5 days (which happened). I don't think I'll be able to endure even the smell of pupusas and beans for a long time.
When I get back home to Arkansas, I'll give a fuller account of the trip with pictures. It wasn't all bad. I actually loved it but getting sick soured my outlook and once I started to recover I was quite ready to go home. The profound unfamiliarity of it all was weighing heavily on me by that point. Such is life I suppose, it isn't always sunny beaches and laughing with family. I learned a lot about my heritage and subsequently about myself. Perhaps I will share some of that with you in my trip diaries. For now, I miss you all and look forward to seeing you again as well as a new semester.
Love and blessings upon you,
Mishal
Friday, December 9, 2011
Mint Chocolate Cupcakes: Easiest dessert you'll ever love
I don't remember when I first made these but I love them because they're so easy to put together and everyone can't get enough! You can easily substitute the Andes for any other candy you think would be suitable, I tried chopped caramel-filled chocolate bars and they were just as popular. I always add a package of instant pudding mix to my cake recipes for moisture and richness. Don't bother with frosting for these cupcakes, they're rich enough as it is and stand well enough on their own.
- Ingredients
- 1 package of Devil's Food chocolate cake mix
- 1 package of french vanilla instant pudding mix
- 1 package of chopped Andes mints
- Directions
- Heat oven as directed for cake mix.
- Add the chocolate cake mix, the pudding mix and whatever else the cake mix requires (usually eggs, water and oil) to a large bowl.
- Mix/beat as directed.
- Stir in Andes.
- Transfer to cupcake pan lined with cupcake liners.
- Bake as directed.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Thoughts and Thanksgiving
Life is really odd sometimes. You go along, trying to mind your own business, when something blows up in your face and you're left in the fallout wondering what just happened. This has occurred more times in my life than I care to remember. As a result of one such incident I can't be with my family for Thanksgiving this year. I'm not terribly upset for myself but I am disappointed in the poor communication displayed by some (not that I'm a great model for it myself). I am grateful for the invites extended to me in the past couple of weeks since then. I'm starting to think I'll just stay in and treasure the time alone with God.
I've come to terms with solitude in the past few months. It's neither empty nor lonely. It seems a lost art among introverts. It's something that has to be learned given our modern Western culture. Our lives are so full of stuff and very little substance. This season it's especially evident. BUY THIS NOW! OR THE WORLD ENDS! AND YOU'RE NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BUY! THIS! NOW! Don't lie to me, that's exactly the quiet desperation hidden behind every ad.
People live for the next shiny new thing because it's shiny and new (or gritty but diamond-dusted grit sells pretty well, too). We're surrounded by people looking for meaning and identity. They buy into the lie that "stuff makes you" and end up feeling empty. It's a hunger never satisfied and a dream never realized. This doesn't just apply to what you can buy in a store, catalog or website. I've seen my fair share of people seeking relationships with the same urgency. They may not even realize it but it's there. They all hide behind their masks, surrounded by stuff, devouring anything and everything to fill the void. It breaks my heart, especially when they look to me for some kind of answer or relief. It's not in me.
I digress (or do I?). For those of you going home for the holiday, I've a charge and a prayer for you. Encourage, exhort and edify fellow believers and be a light to those who are not. It's easy for old resentments to surface and allow unspoken (or very vocal) frictions to grate against your patience. Don't let that happen. Be on your guard. Turn the other cheek and bear with one another in love because much of what you fight over is not important. Really.
I don't know if I mentioned in an earlier post (I may have in a facebook status or tweet) but I've wanted to write letters to many of those whom I love and have impacted me in a positive way. Why should we wait until someone dies to say good things about them? I firmly believe that we should express our love and gratitude to others while we and they are alive. I wrote to a couple of people last year. I may or may not write more to others this year. I really need to keep a notebook to write down what exactly I'd say when I think of a good sentence or paragraph to include.
This probably stems from my prime love language being a mix of quality time [I just want to be with you.] and (especially) words of affirmation [tell me something good]. Forget random junk that you may or may not want or need. Let me write you even a small portion of my love for you. I know if I were to receive such a written note it would speak more loudly than any gift, act of service or hug could ever shout.
I've come to terms with solitude in the past few months. It's neither empty nor lonely. It seems a lost art among introverts. It's something that has to be learned given our modern Western culture. Our lives are so full of stuff and very little substance. This season it's especially evident. BUY THIS NOW! OR THE WORLD ENDS! AND YOU'RE NOTHING! BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BUY! THIS! NOW! Don't lie to me, that's exactly the quiet desperation hidden behind every ad.
People live for the next shiny new thing because it's shiny and new (or gritty but diamond-dusted grit sells pretty well, too). We're surrounded by people looking for meaning and identity. They buy into the lie that "stuff makes you" and end up feeling empty. It's a hunger never satisfied and a dream never realized. This doesn't just apply to what you can buy in a store, catalog or website. I've seen my fair share of people seeking relationships with the same urgency. They may not even realize it but it's there. They all hide behind their masks, surrounded by stuff, devouring anything and everything to fill the void. It breaks my heart, especially when they look to me for some kind of answer or relief. It's not in me.
I digress (or do I?). For those of you going home for the holiday, I've a charge and a prayer for you. Encourage, exhort and edify fellow believers and be a light to those who are not. It's easy for old resentments to surface and allow unspoken (or very vocal) frictions to grate against your patience. Don't let that happen. Be on your guard. Turn the other cheek and bear with one another in love because much of what you fight over is not important. Really.
I don't know if I mentioned in an earlier post (I may have in a facebook status or tweet) but I've wanted to write letters to many of those whom I love and have impacted me in a positive way. Why should we wait until someone dies to say good things about them? I firmly believe that we should express our love and gratitude to others while we and they are alive. I wrote to a couple of people last year. I may or may not write more to others this year. I really need to keep a notebook to write down what exactly I'd say when I think of a good sentence or paragraph to include.
This probably stems from my prime love language being a mix of quality time [I just want to be with you.] and (especially) words of affirmation [tell me something good]. Forget random junk that you may or may not want or need. Let me write you even a small portion of my love for you. I know if I were to receive such a written note it would speak more loudly than any gift, act of service or hug could ever shout.
Friday, November 11, 2011
'Cause I'm fallin', I'm fallin for you...
Song of the moment: Falling For You by Seabird
It's is certainly now fall in the great state of Arkansas. I don't like the cold; I much prefer the heat. When you can no longer take off anymore layers you go inside, break out the water in the form of swimming or water war. Everything is green, you're not in school, you can eat neon colored frozen sugar water and watermelon and there's cookouts.
Fall? Well, it is easier to dress modestly. I don't understand the girls that can be half-naked in such freezing weather. Even in the summer, though, the sun is rather unkind to that which I prefer to keep under wraps. I digress, more reasons to love the cooler weather: I can wear leggings with skirts and shorts! I get to wear fuzzy boots. I love my fuzzy boots. I can play with layers in my clothing....it's awesome. What else? Egg nog is now in season. Some of you may shudder at the viscosity and calories but I like it. The colors are just as vibrant as in the spring and the promise of holidays with family and friends beckon.
So what have I been up to? A lot and not very much all once. I've always seen myself as a bundle of seeming contradictions but we can talk about that another time. I dropped physics 2. Of all my priorities, it always came up last and there was no place I was willing to budge to make time to study for it. I think attending church here in Conway, the Spanish and Wednesday services in Maumelle, the Truth Project and Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) were totally worth dropping physics for. Go ahead and question my priorities. I have no regrets. I've been focusing on maturing in my faith and church 5 times a week certainly isn't hurting. Yet...I've been wanting something more lately. All this learning is wonderful but what good is it if I don't do anything with it? Sure, I'm doing some things, even if it's just loving on fellow believers and trying to be light to those around me but I need to do more. I feel like a car with a tank almost full, now I just need to be driven somewhere...maybe lots of places!
So what am I going to do? I don't even know. I'm praying about going on a mission trip over spring break with the BCM. Yesterday I learned about Super Summer Arkansas and got really excited. Maybe I can do that? I've wanted to work at a summer camp for a while now (science or church would be fine with me). One of the recruiters, Dustin Sams, talked a little about works born of faith and it resonated with my desire go out and do things. A camp for junior and senior high students seems ideal considering I'll be qualified to teach 7th-12th when I finally graduate. It would force me to be more outgoing. I've been getting better about being more outgoing but this would take me out of my comfort zone and I'd sink or swim. It wouldn't be simply being outgoing either. I honestly believe it could help with my faith in general to become more of a leader and I don't even know what kind of awesomeness.
So, I filled out an interview application and was interviewed. If I wasn't so nervous I would have thought to ask more questions about what exactly I'd be doing as either administrative staff or possibly a small group leader. I suppose I'll find out if (and hopefully when) I get accepted and go to camp. That's the thing though, I feel a bit apprehensive about all this. It's not that I have anything to hide but I do feel so young in my faith. I'm filling out the online portion of the application today (even as I write this) and the questions that are asked leave me wondering how they'll see me. As the thought harasses me I think of what I've been telling myself: I need to remember Christ-esteem. He sees me as what I can be, the mold he created for me and I'm growing into. I know that as a teacher I learn from my students just as much, if not more than, they learn from me. Sometimes I fail...a lot. It happens but God's grace is sufficient. Every time I fall, he lifts me up and we continue walking together. I, of all people, should know just how merciful our God is.
As much I feel "I want to grow up now!" I know I can't rush it. I see my friends (most of whom are younger than me) as these spiritual giants doing things for God and displaying knowledge I just don't have. I have to keep reminding myself of what one of them told me once: we are all at different stages of conviction. I can only view it as an encouragement to what God is making me to be. These friends do see the growth in me, growth I've felt. I must keep that Kingdom focus, seeking after God's will and praying that I will always be maturing in Christ as the Spirit leads.
So now what? I don't know what future holds. I used to have a vague idea but now it's entirely hidden from my view. I used to think I'd graduate and begin teaching. I probably would not leave Arkansas. I don't see that now. I don't even know if I'll be teaching. I would laugh heartily if I married and then found myself in a foreign country with the job of stay-at-home mom. I'd be okay with that. The irony would be too much. I do know, though, that where I am and whatever I do I will find joy in it. As long as I pursue my relationship with God, he will give me the desire of my heart...which I've given up fighting and am now praying he conforms it to his will.
It's is certainly now fall in the great state of Arkansas. I don't like the cold; I much prefer the heat. When you can no longer take off anymore layers you go inside, break out the water in the form of swimming or water war. Everything is green, you're not in school, you can eat neon colored frozen sugar water and watermelon and there's cookouts.
Fall? Well, it is easier to dress modestly. I don't understand the girls that can be half-naked in such freezing weather. Even in the summer, though, the sun is rather unkind to that which I prefer to keep under wraps. I digress, more reasons to love the cooler weather: I can wear leggings with skirts and shorts! I get to wear fuzzy boots. I love my fuzzy boots. I can play with layers in my clothing....it's awesome. What else? Egg nog is now in season. Some of you may shudder at the viscosity and calories but I like it. The colors are just as vibrant as in the spring and the promise of holidays with family and friends beckon.
So what have I been up to? A lot and not very much all once. I've always seen myself as a bundle of seeming contradictions but we can talk about that another time. I dropped physics 2. Of all my priorities, it always came up last and there was no place I was willing to budge to make time to study for it. I think attending church here in Conway, the Spanish and Wednesday services in Maumelle, the Truth Project and Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) were totally worth dropping physics for. Go ahead and question my priorities. I have no regrets. I've been focusing on maturing in my faith and church 5 times a week certainly isn't hurting. Yet...I've been wanting something more lately. All this learning is wonderful but what good is it if I don't do anything with it? Sure, I'm doing some things, even if it's just loving on fellow believers and trying to be light to those around me but I need to do more. I feel like a car with a tank almost full, now I just need to be driven somewhere...maybe lots of places!
So what am I going to do? I don't even know. I'm praying about going on a mission trip over spring break with the BCM. Yesterday I learned about Super Summer Arkansas and got really excited. Maybe I can do that? I've wanted to work at a summer camp for a while now (science or church would be fine with me). One of the recruiters, Dustin Sams, talked a little about works born of faith and it resonated with my desire go out and do things. A camp for junior and senior high students seems ideal considering I'll be qualified to teach 7th-12th when I finally graduate. It would force me to be more outgoing. I've been getting better about being more outgoing but this would take me out of my comfort zone and I'd sink or swim. It wouldn't be simply being outgoing either. I honestly believe it could help with my faith in general to become more of a leader and I don't even know what kind of awesomeness.
So, I filled out an interview application and was interviewed. If I wasn't so nervous I would have thought to ask more questions about what exactly I'd be doing as either administrative staff or possibly a small group leader. I suppose I'll find out if (and hopefully when) I get accepted and go to camp. That's the thing though, I feel a bit apprehensive about all this. It's not that I have anything to hide but I do feel so young in my faith. I'm filling out the online portion of the application today (even as I write this) and the questions that are asked leave me wondering how they'll see me. As the thought harasses me I think of what I've been telling myself: I need to remember Christ-esteem. He sees me as what I can be, the mold he created for me and I'm growing into. I know that as a teacher I learn from my students just as much, if not more than, they learn from me. Sometimes I fail...a lot. It happens but God's grace is sufficient. Every time I fall, he lifts me up and we continue walking together. I, of all people, should know just how merciful our God is.
As much I feel "I want to grow up now!" I know I can't rush it. I see my friends (most of whom are younger than me) as these spiritual giants doing things for God and displaying knowledge I just don't have. I have to keep reminding myself of what one of them told me once: we are all at different stages of conviction. I can only view it as an encouragement to what God is making me to be. These friends do see the growth in me, growth I've felt. I must keep that Kingdom focus, seeking after God's will and praying that I will always be maturing in Christ as the Spirit leads.
So now what? I don't know what future holds. I used to have a vague idea but now it's entirely hidden from my view. I used to think I'd graduate and begin teaching. I probably would not leave Arkansas. I don't see that now. I don't even know if I'll be teaching. I would laugh heartily if I married and then found myself in a foreign country with the job of stay-at-home mom. I'd be okay with that. The irony would be too much. I do know, though, that where I am and whatever I do I will find joy in it. As long as I pursue my relationship with God, he will give me the desire of my heart...which I've given up fighting and am now praying he conforms it to his will.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)